So, MGM are out of their financial straits and Sam Mendes is, if his ex-wife is to be believed, still on board to direct the next James Bond film, due in 2012. So, with mixed reviews for Bond's last adventure, Quantum Of Solace, what do we want to see in the new film?

And, no, a new actor as James Bond is not one of them, you CraigNotBond.com wags... (Besides, that's clearly going to be Henry Cavill when Craig is done in the role. You just wait and see...)

1. Keep the stunts grounded

James Bond films have always been famous for their practical stunts and the films are all the more exciting when we know that the action was done for real. Think of Bond's best stunts, the rotating Mustang in The Man With The Golden Gun, the Aston Martin crash in Casino Royale and the speed boat flip in The World Is Not Enough. All done for real, where stuntmen's lives were actually in danger. 

Unfortunately, while Quantum Of Solace had some decent, although frantically edited action (the opening car chase), there was also a lot of CGI-enhanced set pieces, notably the 'jumping out of the plane' sequence in Bolivia. Now, there were ways they could have done this without CGI. For example, with stuntmen and models. But instead Marc Foster opted for the easier route and in a Bond film, it just looked out of place.

We should not be able to notice good CGI, so if you are going to use it, Mr Mendes, use it subtly and not in the film's main set pieces.

2. Retain Bond's allies

Bond may be a super spy, but it's always good to see he's not alone. Whether it's Felix Leiter, M or his best friend in MI6, Bill Tanner (who was re-introduced in the last film), making sure Bond has people to turn to, stops him from turning into a One Man Army, which, again, makes Bond lose his realism. 

Which was better: Bond freeing the US/UK and Russian submarine crews to launch an all out attack on Stromberg's men in The Spy Who Loved Me or Bond shooting everyone in sight by himself on Carver's stealth boat, like some sort of Terminator?

Perhaps, see a couple of 00 agents join Bond in an initial raid on a QUANTUM safe house in the opening sequence, before they are brutally killed....?

3. Bring back Q Branch

I'm all for making Bond grittier and more grounded, but whether you agree or not, gadgets have always been a key element of the Bond films (even the more serious ones). So, let's get a few missile launchers on the Aston Martin, instead of simply a defibrillator.

Also, one of my favourite parts of any Bond film was where Bond when to Q Branch and, as well as tormenting Q, you got to see all the other cool gizmos the department was working on. ("We're building it for the Americans. I call it a Ghetto Blaster!")

Of course, the reintroduction of Q Branch will require a new Q. Unfortunately, Desmond Llewelyn has passed on, John Cleese was a bit awkward in the role, so how about the likes of Mark Addy or Hugh Laurie as the constantly frustrated gadget master?

4. Humour

Bond is now over Vesper, bringing those responsible to justice, so I think he can now crack a smile or two. Of course, I'm not talking about Roger Moore style one-liners or the awful attempt at humour that came up in Die Another Day ("I'm bird-watching ..."). But along the lines of Casino Royale, which walked that line between Bond's laconical nature and seriousness perfectly. 

Perhaps bring back Moneypenny to get some of the flirting banter back in the series? I don't believe, like many, that she is crucial to the franchise, but her re-introduction would be nice to see.

5. Keep the storyline unexpected

I remember one of the funniest complaints I ever read about Casino Royale was that it 'didn't follow the basic Bond film layout', which involved:

a) A stunt filled opening sequence

b) Bond being sent on a mission

c) Bond going undercover (but revealing himself as an M15 agent within five minutes)

d) Meeting first Bond girl

e) Getting first Bond girl killed

f) Breaking into bad guy's base

g) Killing bad guy

h) Bedding secondary Bond girl ("Oh, James!")

Now, we already have a dozen Bond films like this, so why do we need more of the same? I liked the unexpected twists and turns of the last two Bond films and I hope that the next film will be as unorthodox.

However...

6. Make it a standalone mission

A major complaint about Quantum Of Solace was that, if you hadn't seen Casino Royale since you'd seen it in the cinema, you may not have a clue what was going on. Who's Mr White? What had Vesper done, again?

Bond films are not traditionally sequels, but standalone adventures, and the new Bond film should make sure it doesn't confuse audiences by referencing the two previous films too much.

James Bond is now trusted by M and is a fully fledged MI6 agent, so now is the time to unleash him on the world. However, we do want to know what QUANTUM are up to, so by all means have them back as the film's villains. They are clearly the 21st century's SPECTRE, after all.

Craig has already said of the new film, "We've finished this story as far as I'm concerned. We've got a great set of bad guys. There is an organization that we can use whenever we want to. The relationship between Bond and M is secure and Felix is secure. Let's try and find where Moneypenny came from and where Q comes from. Let's do all that and have some fun with it."

7. A brilliant theme song

While Another Way To Die was by no means the worst James Bond theme (stand up, Rita Coolidge's All Time High (Octopussy)), it didn't have many fans. Chris Cornell had given Casino Royale an excellent theme with You Know My Name, which captured the coldness of Craig's Bond perfectly, but Alicia Keys and Jack White's song was all over the place.

Plus the line, "Another ringer with the slick trigger finger for Her Majesty" should not be anywhere near a Bond theme.

How about getting the likes of Muse or The Killers in to do the next theme song?

Composer David Arnold has confirmed he will be back doing the film's score, so that's a bonus, even if his Quantum score lacked the bombastic quality of his previous Bond soundtracks. Track Night At The Opera was stunning, though.

8. We want to see what's going on!

As previously stated, Quantum Of Solace had some great action scenes, but we could barely see what was going on, due to the film's rapid style of editing. The opening car chase, the boat sequence and most of the fight scenes, all of them were cut so rapidly you could barely see the action.

It's a shame, as you feel that all the stuntmen's work was wasted, if the audience couldn't see it. In comparison, Casino Royale's free-running sequence and airport chase sequence was filmed relatively steadily, so the audience could see the fights, Daniel Craig doing most of his stunts and more importantly, what was going on!

9. A villain who is an actual threat to Bond

QUANTUM is clearly going to return as the 'big bad' in the next Bond film, but who will be revealed as the head of the evil organisation? There have been rumours of Rachel Weisz pulling the strings, and if this turns out to be the case, she is really going to have to have a henchman to provide a physical threat to Bond.

So far, Bond hasn't really been physically tested by the villains. Le Chiffre was killed by Mr White and Dominic Green was hardly a challenge in hand-to-hand combat, so perhaps it is time to have a villain the equal of Bond, such as Alec Trevelyan (Goldeneye), Necros (The Living Daylights) and Stamper (Tomorrow Never Dies).

How about someone like Goran Visnjic (who was almost cast as Bond) as the villain? Or even a global superstar like Shah Rukh Khan to make the next Bond adventure even more internationally appealing?

Whoever they go with, let's have someone who can actually knock Bond on his ass.

10. Make the Bond Girls Bond Women

Now, I like Gemma Arterton as much as the next red-blooded male, but casting a then 21-year-old as an M15 agent opposite the 40-year -old Daniel Craig was a bit icky. Dare I say, we want our Bond Girls with a bit of maturity, as well as the requisite curves?

For my money, Michelle Yeoh was one of the best Bond girls the series has had, confident, independent and could quite possibly floor Bond if the situation required it.

Instead of 20-25-year-old 'it-girls', why not cast stunning actresses like Rachel Weisz, Kate Beckinsale and Noomi Rapace to give weight to an otherwise light role? Saying that, I have liked how they have tried to give the recent Bond girls of Vesper Lynd and Camille more depth than previous female leads.

So, that's what I think will benefit the next Bond film. Do you agree or disagree, or are you, like me, simply happy that James Bond is returning?

Add your thoughts to the comments section below.

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Small Spoiler Warning: we discuss the ending of the film in this review, although we don't, of course, tell you what the ending is. Just wanted to put this warning here to be absolutely on the safe side.

Let's get something straight first of all: The Tourist has absolutely no pretensions of being anything other than a big, pretty vehicle for its two huge, pretty stars. One thing you cannot accuse it of is a surplus of ambition.

For what it's worth, here's a brief summary of the plot. Average Joe, Frank (Johnny Depp), meets glamorous stranger, Elise (Angelina Jolie), on a train from Paris to Venice. After a flirtatious dinner, he thinks that he's seen the last of her, but on arrival in Venice they keep bumping back into each other, and soon they find themselves on the run both from Russian gangsters and the police.

The plot of The Tourist is, to put it kindly, an afterthought, an awkward necessity which is just there as a way to bring two of the most bankable stars of the modern era together at last.

The classic movie star vehicle is a rarity now, as there are very few genuine movie stars in the classic tradition (uniquely striking, magnetically charismatic and utterly demanding of your attention at all time). But Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp are certainly two of the few actors left who fit into that bracket.

For The Tourist to succeed, therefore, it depends almost entirely on their performances and their on-screen chemistry as a couple. So, here's the rub: they're both terrible.

Let's start with Jolie. Watching her eerily float around the film dead-eyed and bolt upright, I couldn't help but be reminded of the beehived Martian Girl who invades the White House in Mars Attacks!. Jolie's weirdly stiff, perpendicular gait is probably borne out of not wanting to scuff up any of the many exquisitely fitted designer dresses that she models in nigh on every scene. 

Similarly, she remains almost completely expressionless throughout the entire film, presumably because cracking a smile or displaying any form of recognisable human emotion would risk disturbing the meticulously applied eye shadow and lipstick that adorns her constantly, even when she's in the middle of a late night speedboat rescue. It's hard not to feel sometimes that you've been tricked into watching an incredibly self-indulgent, ninety minute L'Oreal advert.

On top of that, it inexplicably feels as if the film is desperate to convince you that Angelina Jolie is a really sexy woman, a point that I wasn't aware needed reiterating to anyone on the planet with eyes, and I certainly don't think it needed to be sledgehammered home with the frequency and intensity that it is in this film.

The Tourist fetishises Jolie to a ludicrous degree. There is shot after shot of stunned men left staring and drooling in her wake as she wheels past awkwardly, like the world's sexiest shopping trolley. I got so fed up with these incessant reaction shots that, to amuse myself, I began to imagine that the reason the men were staring was due to an errant length of bog roll left hanging out the back of her tights.

It's clear throughout that Jolie is concentrating mainly on her clothes, her hair, her make-up, and her accent. Injecting any sort of charisma, pathos or empathy into the role is clearly way, way down on her agenda.

Johnny Depp, on the other hand, is playing a schlubby maths teacher, so he doesn't share Jolie's problem of attending to a demanding wardrobe and make-up set up in every scene. There is one problem with his role, though, namely that Johnny Depp is playing a schlubby maths teacher.

If alarm bells don't start ringing in your head when you read that, then I want to visit your school, because my maths teachers mostly resembled either vicars or, occasionally, ex-convicts.  If you're going to cast Johnny Depp as an average Joe, why not just have done with it and cast Steve Buscemi as Superman, and we'll all ride the stupid train further into Moronland together.

Immediately, then, you don't buy into his character, and he is made even more irritating by the tics in Depp's performance. His idea of acting ‘average' or ‘normal' is to mumble all of his lines and look permanently constipated. It's comfortably the most boring performance I've ever seen from Depp, but it's not hard to see why he took the role. "A couple of months in Venice with Angelina Jolie, eh? Kissing scenes, you say? Can I have lots of money as well? I can? I'll see if I'm free."

I guess I'm being cynical, but this is a very cynical film we're talking about. Needless to say, when these two weird performances rub up against one another it hardly sets the screen alight, and when one of them declares their love for the other late on in the film (it's not really a spoiler, is it?) it's outright laughable, such has been the utter paucity of chemistry between them up to that point.

The dialogue is consistently laboured and groan-worthy, and the plot, what little there is of it, is utterly, totally forgettable. I saw it a matter of hours ago, and I'm genuinely struggling to recall what happened in the middle third of the film.

What you will remember, however, is one of the dumbest twists I've seen in a film for a very long time, and what's more, I figured it out literally within the first ten minutes. Now, I'm not one of those people who claim to have figured out The Sixth Sense halfway through the opening credits, but,  a) this film is demonstrably not The Sixth Sense, and b) the twist is so forehead-slappingly stupid and obvious that I spent the whole film hoping that I was wrong, but sure enough, I wasn't. It is unbelievably stupid in ways that I can't even begin to describe. And why does this film even need a twist? It's hardly Fight Club.  I promise you that even the people who will like The Tourist will have no desire to ever want to watch it again.

Steven Berkoff and Timothy Dalton show up to make things moderately entertaining for a few minutes, but by then the damage has been done.

The real tragedy is that the film was directed by the talented  Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, who directed the excellent The Lives Of Others, a taut suspense drama that could not be more removed from the airy idiocy of The Tourist. It's a sad indictment of American cinema that he chose to make this film as his first foray into Hollywood, and he joins a number of talented directors (Alexandre Aja, Gavin Hood), who have made utter dreck once they've made it over to the States.

The Tourist is not an offensively bad film, but it is, at points, a laughably bad one. If you're desperate to see it, then I'd recommend hunting down a copy of Mars Attacks! on DVD for a few quid. You'll get much the same effect, really, only with the added bonuses of exploding alien heads, cows being set on fire and  a Tom Jones cameo. Which I think we can all agree would have improved The Tourist immeasurably. 

Follow Paul Martinovic on Twitter @paulmartinovic.

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PLEASE NOTE: Scroll to the bottom for the latest update.

Alien Paradise. If the latest rumours coming in from the US are true, that's the full name for Ridley Scott's previously untitled Alien prequel.

We've soaked up much of the news and hearsay regarding Scott's franchise revisit so far, but this one in particular fills us with horror of entirely the wrong sort, and we sincerely hope that the rumours, which arrive courtesy of Vulture, aren't true.

Alien Paradise. Say it out loud a couple of times, as we already have. What's next? Alien Rainbows? Alien Love Bubble? It has all the wrong connotations. That is, unless Scott intends to set the movie on a gorgeous tropical island, with Giger's hideous beasts leaping out of palm trees at a heroine in a skimpy bikini. While that scenario has its own dubious allure, it's even less in keeping with the spirit of the franchise than Alien Resurrection, with its cheesy script and twitchy-nosed pink alien.

Ranting aside, there are other rumours still to relate. Shooting is thought to be set to commence far sooner than originally suggested, early February, in fact (the rumoured year-long delay we reported on has turned out to be false). Furthermore, Paradise has been described as a "reboot" of the Alien franchise, reprising the same basic stalk and kill structure of the 1979 original.

Noomi Rapace is said to be the frontrunner for the lead role of Elizabeth Shaw, the film's Ripley analogue. Inglourious Basterds' Michael Fassbender was sought to play a prototype android, but could be out of the running due to the amount of money his representatives had demanded.

Leonardo DiCaprio, a big name that has apparently long been attached to the Alien project, is apparently out of the picture, and there's been no mention of Natalie Portman, who was also rumoured for a starring role.

Instead, there's talk of an appearance from Hong Kong movie legend Michelle Yeoh, set to play a tough character by the name of Vickers.

Then there's Engineer 1, a character who, like the pioneering irritation that was Jar Jar Binks, or pretty much the entire cast of Avatar, will be very tall, and rendered entirely via the magic of computers. Could this character be the living, breathing space jockey of the original film, whose story Scott is so interested in exploring?

Also, one rumour is now suggesting that there won't be two prequels. We've got nothing concrete on that at this stage, however.

Finally, there are suggestions that Alien Paradise will, indeed, be the R-rated picture Scott originally wanted, as opposed to a PG-13, and that it will be released exclusively in 3D.

Is it just us that's starting to get a rather bad feeling about the whole project? And what's with that title, Alien Paradise? On the Internet, no one can hear you scream.

UPDATE: The latest Tweet from a Fox rep suggests that the film will not be called Alien: Paradise. We're chasing further confirmation at the moment.

Vulture
Bleeding Cool

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We should point out for the outset that there's no new footage for the Doctor Who Christmas special residing in this latest promo clip for the BBC's drama output over Yuletide.

But the trailer does, nonetheless, showcase Doctor Who as a massive part of the corporation's festive plans, as you might expect, and there are one or two other interesting shows in here, too.

Here's the promo...

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For all the negative comments that news on the upcoming Transformers: Dark Of The Moon has generally been greeted with across the Internet over the past months, there's little doubting that it's part of one of the biggest movie franchises on the planet.

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen overcame hostile reviews to bring in over $800m around the world. And who would really bet against Transformers 3 doing the same?

Yesterday, then, we brought you the first poster for Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, suggesting that the trailer might be with us soon. As it turns out, we've got the trailer right here.

And you'll not be surprised to hear that Michael Bay isn't going out of his way to overcome his doubters. Instead, this is just the kind of bombastic, expensive, and effects-filled stuff that, you have to say, has helped propel the Transformers franchise to the level it's at.

Love it or hate it, then, here's the trailer (Me? I liked it). And Transformers: Dark Of The Moon is arriving next July.

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Pictures of the shoot of Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides are nothing new. Heck, even producer Jerry Bruckheimer has been uploading them to his Twitter account as he goes along, and many passers-by have also taken shots of Johnny Depp and the rest of the cast as they put the film together.

Here, though, are the first official shots to have been released by Disney regarding the film. They've popped up over at USA Today, and inevitably, they focus on Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow.

The trailer for Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is being released next week, and we'll bring it to you as soon as we can get our grubby paws on it.

USA Today

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Outside, it was a blazing hot day in California. But inside the offices of Digital Domain, the effects studio putting the finishing touches to the forthcoming Tron: Legacy, it was air conditioned and cool.

For Joseph Kosinski, taking on Tron: Legacy is surely a trial by fire – a seasoned director of commercials for such well-known brands as Nike and videogames Halo and Gears Of War, this belated follow-up to Steven Lisberger’s groundbreaking 80s original is his first feature, a sprawling epic of special effects, expensive costumes and vast sets.

But if Kosinski’s feeling any pressure, he certainly doesn’t show it. As we settled down for a brief chat with the director, he seemed relaxed and as cool as the air con, clearly enthusiastic about the movie he was in the process of finishing, but anxious not to give too much away…

The footage I’ve seen so far looks amazing.

Even the rough stuff we showed?

Even the rough stuff.

Oh good. Because it’s always hard for a director to let them show that kind of stuff out of our editing bay before we’ve finished the effects and sound and everything.

I suppose it’s getting that creative distance after working on it for so long, too.

Yeah, it’s three years in. But I know on a movie like this, it’s all about the final polish. It’s all about the final sound mix, it’s all about finishing all those effects. But Disney felt it was important to show at least a little sneak peek to you guys so you could see some hint of what’s coming.

But I had to make sure we didn’t give any of the really good stuff away, just give you a hint.

I was going to say that you seem too have played your cards quite close to your chest – we’ve seen nothing of Tron himself, for example…

[Enigmatic smile] Hmm.

So I assume that’s intentional, that you don’t want to reveal any of that too soon?

It’s all about experiencing stuff in the theatre. So for me, you know, I don’t want to show anything until the movie comes out, but obviously, Disney’s not going to let that happen. It’s important to market the film and get the right message out about it, you know?

Because I think there’s a lot of misconceptions about what the movie is, because it’s Tron and because Tron is a videogame. You know, people out there think it’s just a videogame movie, and it’s important to get the message out that this isn’t just a videogame movie, and that it has a story at its centre that everyone can relate to, so it should play to a broader audience than a narrow tech-geek film can.

As your first feature, did you feel a weight of expectation when taking on a name like Tron?

I feel like every director, no matter what scale you’re working on, feels pressure to make something great and true to their vision. I felt pressure on every short film I worked on, and every commercial I worked on. So this is just on a much bigger scale, and working with many more people. And obviously there’s the innovation of that first film, like the title itself promises something new and different, so there’s a pressure for us to do that.

In the footage we saw today, the safe house looks very like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Was that an intentional Kubrick reference?

2001 was a hugely influential film. For me, the design of the safe house was Kevin Flynn trying to create some semblance of the real world in Tron, which is why he selected the fireplace and the bed and the table with food, and all that stuff.

Even though he only has access to Tron materials, he’s trying to create some semblance of what real life is like, so it made sense to me that he’d have these little touches of the real world there, but each one would be ‘Tronified’ in terms of their materiality and texture.

Did you come up with the visuals ideas before the story, or vice versa?

It was very much a parallel process. The way we made this film was very different from most. In most films, you write the script then work on the visuals, but in this case, we knew that Tron is unique, and you can’t just write a script separate from the world itself.

Which is one of the main reasons I did that short test footage for the studio before we had a script, to establish a look a feel and tone of the world, to not only show the studio how it would look, but also show the writers what the look and feel of the movie was going to be like, so they could write to that tone. I think it’s a smart way to do a movie like this.

Once you had the premise – the triangle between these characters – did you then look around to see where the technology could take that story? Did it help you creatively?

David Fincher was in production on Benjamin Button at the time, and he had shown me what they were doing on that movie. Once I saw they were taking Brad Pitt to 70 years old, I knew it was possible to take Jeff Bridges back in time using the same technology.

Once Benjamin Button was finished, I hired the same special effects supervisor, Ed Barber and his team to do that, because it’s only recently that it’s become possible to do that. Without Benjamin Button, I don’t think we’d have been able to do what we’ve done in this movie.

I feel like the legacy of Tron, the original Tron, is that it pushed the boundaries in completely different ways, so we felt we had to do something similar with our movie.

When creating Clu with the digital technology that you’ve used, was it a worry that he wouldn’t look convincing enough?

There’s nothing more difficult than creating a human being. If you’re creating some sort of creature other than a human being, you don’t have the same standard you’re being held to. It’s our biggest challenge on the movie, and we’ve set the bar very high. But I think, when you see Clu in the context of the film, it’ll work well.

I was reading the other day that, in the original film, one minute of footage took two months to complete. Has making Tron: Legacy been similarly painstaking?

Gosh, I don’t know. Obviously, there’s thousands of man hours put into every second of this movie, for sure. Everything had to be designed from scratch, then built and shot or digitally built and then rendered and tweaked, so yeah, every second has had so many thousands of man hours, I can’t imagine.

And the fact that we’re doing it in 3D means that every shot has to be done twice – once you finish a shot, then you have to do it again for the other eye, because we’re not doing any conversion in this film, this is a true 3D movie.

The original Tron pushed numerous technical boundaries. What boundaries do you think Legacy has pushed?

Hopefully, storytelling. That’s the most important thing, for me – that we’re telling a story that couldn’t be told before. That triangle between Flynn, Sam and Clu, is a relationship you could only do in a movie like this. That’s what I’m most interested in pushing.

You’ve done promos for Gears Of War and Halo, of course – do you see this as just an extension of those?

Maybe in terms of the technology we used, yeah. Definitely a lot of my commercial experience played into how we made this movie, because there’s so much technology. Commercials are a great test bed for new technology, so I think my commercial experience definitely helped with the technique, but instead of selling a product you’re telling a story, so it’s a different goal. But it definitely played a role.

The original Tron was directed by Steve Lisberger, who’s co-producer on Legacy. What was his capacity? Was he involved from an early stage?

He was great. We describe him as a kind of Obi Wan Kenobi, you know? If you’ve talked to him or heard him talk, he has these big, broad ideas of what Tron means, which is always nice to have around. It’s obviously great to have the creator of the whole world attached to the project, so my relationship was fantastic, really great.

And Jeff Bridges as well, it’s interesting to get him back to a character so long after the first film. Where’s his character gone, do you think?

Kevin Flynn, we remember him as this genius programmer from the 80s, he’s been trapped inside this world he’s created for 20 years. And in the world of Tron that ends up being – the multiplier is 50 to one – so for Flynn it’s been a thousand years that he’s been trapped inside this system. And that time has had an effect on his personality – he’s not quite the same man that we saw in the first film.

So the idea is, hopefully, the arrival of his son will bring back some of that spirit that we all love from the first film.

Joseph Kosinski, thank you very much!

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Games are by their nature infuriating. Just like a good thriller, a good game sets us a problem then frustrates our attempts to solve it. For some, the frustration can become too much: the red mist descends, controllers are thrown across rooms and household pets flee in terror.
These people should not be allowed to play Super Meat Boy.

While Xbox owners have been able to enjoy two months of teeth grindingly tricky gameplay as skinless hero Meat Boy, PC gamers have had to wait to get their masochistic thumbs on the year’s most talked about platformer.

A collaboration between Edmund McMillen, of Gish, Braid and Aether fame, and programmer Tommy Refenes, creator of clever fluid simulation game Goo!, Super Meat Boy has an impressive lineage. If there were such a thing as a canon of indie games, Team Meat’s collective output would be top of the list.

Super Meat Boy knowingly draws on 30 years of platform gaming heritage, so it seems only appropriate that the opening cut scene features a damsel in distress. Like a grand guignol Princess Peach or mummified Zelda, Bandage Girl has been kidnapped by the monocled Dr Fetus to lure the titular hero through a series of fiendish traps. There the story ends, but what follows is over 300 levels of some of the hardest gameplay released this year.

The controls seem deceptively simple: you can walk, you can run, and you can jump. That’s it. But this disguises a great deal of subtlety. Meat boy has real weight and is nuanced in the way that makes the Mario and Sonic franchises such a joy to play. Lacking skin is not just a macabre visual gag; Meat Boy’s glutinous physique allows him to stick momentarily to vertical surfaces. His gooey residue allows him to gradually climb walls by jumping repeatedly; releasing jump allows him to slide downwards.

Taking this finely crafted control scheme, Team Meat has created maps that will take you to the very edge of your sanity. The aim is simple: manoeuvre Meat Boy from the beginning of the level to find Bandage Girl at the end.

If you are successful, each level could be completed within a minute, but the design is such that many, many attempts are required. A jump might take 20 knuckle-biting attempts to get right, but the feeling of satisfaction when you finally succeed is worth the effort.

All the platform clichés are present: spinning blades, vats of lava, spikes, fans, collapsible blocks and a range of cutesy NPCs. If a game was popular in the last 30 years, you can bet Team Meat has made reference to it. Despite the familiarity, the game never feels tired. The levels have been designed meticulously and the learning curve is very smooth.

Completing a level within a set time awards you an A+, and unlocks a dark alternative - a more difficult version of the level, with added extra traps. A nice touch is that the changes are rendered semi opaque, allowing you to see how the originals have been modified.

The art design manages to tread a difficult path between cartoony cuteness and gross-out comedy. The gore is sufficiently abstracted to avoid being distasteful and keeps the humour to the fore. Meat Boy’s simplistic large eyed character design makes him without a doubt the most endearing gob of raw flesh on any platform.

Being skinless does have its downside. Everything you touch is covered in a veneer of blood, so as you navigate the level, walls, ceilings, and floors turn a cardinal red. The stains endure even after you die, and act as both a totem of your failed attempts, and a clue to help you learn from your previous mistakes. Coupled with the various squelching, splashing and splattering effects, this raises otherwise retro feeling graphics to something quite contemporary.

If you manage to complete a level you’re rewarded by a rerun of all your previous attempts played simultaneously. Seeing several hundred Meat Boys lured to their doom by your impatient unskilled thumbs is a sobering sight. Deaths in Super Meat Boy are often horribly violent comic affairs, so the ability to save and share your countless demises is good for a few laughs with friends.

Extra characters, all borrowed from other prominent indie games, can be unlocked by either collecting bandages scattered throughout the levels or completing retro-themed mini games accessed via hidden warp zones. It’s not just the sprite that is borrowed but the control scheme too. Play the levels as Captain Veridian from VVVVVV, and you can no longer jump, but instead flip gravity to walk on the ceilings. Play as Tim from Braid, and you are able to rewind time and undo previous mistakes.

Playing with a different control scheme adds enormous replay value, as each level presents a fresh set of challenges. Add to this the fact that some bandages are positioned so that you can only reach them if you switch character, and you have a game that will last well into the new year.

The action is complemented by a wonderfully reminiscent crunchy-8 bit inspired soundtrack. Created by Danny Baranowksy who composed the music for the excellent Canabalt and Gravity Hook, the soundtrack provides a uniquely nostalgic chip sound with a modern guitar twist that you’ll be humming long after the game is over.

It’s testament to the popularity of Super Meat Boy that animal rights group PETA has seen fit to create the parody Super Tofu Boy to promote a meat free lifestyle. It’s not the first time PETA has courted controversy by reimagining popular games. Cooking Mama had a bloodthirsty facelift to promote a meat-free Thanksgiving, and Super Mario Bros. became Super Chick Sisters to protest against inhumane slaughter practices carried out by McDonald’s.

It is probably the first time, however, that game makers have fought this misappropriation. Typing the cheekily coined “petaphile” code unlocks Tofu Boy for use in Super Meat Boy, but unable to jump as high or move as fast as his carnivorous cousin, you’ll find him an ineffective character - a swipe by the developers at what Team Meat appears to see as a toothless organisation.

Though the spat is rather juvenile (and doesn’t hurt publicity), the ability for a game to respond within one day, and through gameplay rather than press release, is really quite exciting. If updating the games is this fast and simple on PC, then I look forward to seeing which topical game characters might be added in the future. 

For the uninitiated, Super Meat Boy is an accessible way in to the wonderful, quirky world of independent gaming. It introduces a roster of characters for you to play, and encourages exploration of the original games. For seasoned indie gamers, the pleasure is in spotting the references and revisiting old favourites in a new context.

Add to this great gameplay mechanics, an irreverent sense of humour, plus some deliciously annoying level design, and you end up with what has to be one of the best games of the year.

Super Meat Boy is available now for PC on Steam and Direct2Drive, Xbox Live Arcade, with Mac and Wii versions to be announced.

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Massive robots punching each other in the face. That’s the premise that lies at the heart of DreamWorks’ forthcoming Real Steel. Playing like a sci-fi reworking of Rocky, Hugh Jackman stars as a down-on-his-luck boxing promoter who attempts to change his fortunes by training his own gigantic metal pugilist for a shot at winning the World Robot Boxing Championships.

Even from the brief trailer you can see here, it’s evident that director Shawn Levy (Night At The Museum, Cheaper By The Dozen) has taken the film far from the Twilight Zone episode on which it’s based – instead of the men in masks that had to pass for robots in 1963, the boxing rings of Real Steel are populated by 18-feet-tall monstrosities with Mohawks and scowling faces.

Lost’s Kevin Durand and Evangeline Lilly join Hugh Jackman as the fleshy human members of the cast, but it’s the robots that most people will probably be paying to see, and very shiny they look, too.

Real Steel will arrive in UK cinemas on 7 October 2011.

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This episode's guest star is Valerie Harper, whose career began in the 50s as a dancer and chorus girl on Broadway. She would later try her hand at improvisational comedy with the acclaimed Second City Theatre, whose alumni are amongst the most well respected and successful comedic performers of all time.

Although Harper appeared in a few films, she mainly worked on television with roles on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, where she won three of her four Emmys. Harper also starred in the show's spin-off, Rhoda, and later another starring series, Valerie, which also featured previous Muppet Show guest host, Sandy Duncan. But can Harper deliver the goods in a way that Duncan failed to?

This episode is interesting, as it's really the only one in the first series that captures the spontaneity and chaotic tone that would typify much of the future episodes.

The sense that the guest turned up unannounced and had to audition for her role adds an air that many of the performances are off the cuff, and are quite enjoyable, despite the fact that they're obviously very well planned out.

Harper's audition involves her dropping the revelation on Kermit that she's taken care of the scheduled opening act and will be performing a rendition of Broadway Baby from Stephen Sondheim's Follies, backstage. Throughout the performance, Harper changes costumes and adopts a number of personalities for which she also changes her vocal delivery. A nice showcase for her versatility as a performer.

Another song from a musical that Harper performs is Nobody Does It Like Me from Seesaw, as the show's closing number, which finds her playing up to the lyrical content of the song, which is about someone who can't do anything right and constantly clashes accidentally with her chorus line of Cloudhoppers.

Other than the two musical numbers, Harper's contributions are mainly in small sketches backstage where she talks to Hilda about makeup and Kermit about the aforementioned closing number. She also appears in a fairly entertaining Muppet News Flash sketch, but the absence of the usual Talk Spot segment is noticeable.

Floyd Pepper is given the spotlight and performs away from The Electric Mayhem with a rendition of The Coasters Searchin'. The Jaggeresque vocal delivery is very fitting with his persona and the sketch that the performance is built around provides a suitable fit for the song's lyrical content, as Floyd searches for the elusive Mary Louise.

The running theme of Statler attempting to seek out Harper backstage in order to ask her out ties the episode together nicely, as much of the comedy from the backstage antics is gleaned from the out of control plant he looks to present to her to win her affections. Whilst not as cohesive a theme as the previous episode, which saw the best execution of material in the series so far, this is still a step in the right direction.

My only real complaint with the episode is that Harper seems a little underused, but she injects infinitely more personality into the performance than Sandy Duncan did. Even with the sense that she's underused, when she's on the screen she takes the opportunity to shine, showcasing impeccable comic timing and an affability that makes her a very enjoyable guest star and this a solid episode as a whole.

You can read our remembrance of episode 19 here.

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When Robert Rodriguez was casting his casting nets for Machete, he approached Chris Cooper with the role of Senator John McLaughlin.

The American Beauty and Jarhead actor read the script and allegedly dismissed it as "the most absurd thing I've ever read". Instead, Robert De Niro ended up playing the hardline Texas politician, which is actually a better outcome.

The odd 'fun Bobby' moment (I'm thinking his Meet The Parents stuff and the whole stoner smoking a bong with Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown affair) is refreshing if you aren't in the mood for Taxi Driver or Raging Bull.

Nevertheless, the issue here isn't De Niro's evaluation of potential jobs, but Cooper's. "The most absurd thing I've ever read"? Really? Has he never scanned a copy of Take A Break magazine? (This week's cover story: "Mum Knows Best: My Baby's Not Dead!")

By not leaping on board Rodriguez's Troublemaker pickup truck and digging his Machete designs, Cooper missed out big time. I get the impression that he not only failed to see the point (Machete is meant to be absurd!) but also narrow-mindedly rejected a significant piece of pop culture because it seemed a bit silly and schlocky.

On the blood-splattered surface, Machete simply looks like a cheap ‘n' sleazy Tex Mex take on Blaxploitation movies. It's Robert Rodriguez expanding a tribute trailer produced for Grindhouse into a feature length action orgy, but that doesn't mean it's not important.

This picture has a point (in fact, it has several very sharp points and Danny Trejo wields them all so skilfully). I put it to the world that Machete is a highly relevant film that should be appreciated, pondered upon and regarded as a crucial artefact as we move into a bold future of movie entertainment.

Even if it isn't the monolith that will project us through a cosmic evolutionary experience, in my view, Machete is a vital cinematic touchstone of progressive power and sentient character.

To get figurative and drag this geological imagery out, it's only one tiny clod of sweat-soaked rock on a wide cinematic landscape. Nevertheless, I'd argue that it's crucial, as we stand on the beach of blockbuster dreams with our eyes on the stormy seas of an uncertain future, to pause and pick up that earthy touchstone and have a meditative 'see the Universal truth in a single pebble' moment. Indeed, the essence of motion picture entertainment lies within this little lump.

Philosophically, I see solutions and possibilities for Hollywood salvation in the thing. If they don't want dirty stones and bad translations of Far Eastern spirituality in their fancy offices, then the movie moguls can just put up one of the very cool Machete marketing posters on their wall.

Like Guy Pearce in Memento using tattoos to remember his purpose, the gurus need to stay grounded, and keeping Rodriguez's kickarse riot of a flick in mind can help them do that.

With his ‘Mariachi-style' the moviemaker teaches us much about filmmaking and the fundamental principles of motion picture entertainment. Machete is possibly the strongest expression of his methods and core ideals, so observe and absorb the following slithers of wisdom offered up...

Inspiration and empowerment is essential

Machete is 66-year-old Danny Trejo's first gig as an action movie lead after years as a cult supporting player. It's sweet to see the grizzly-faced, hardass icon's career trajectory finally take him to a starring title role, but also to see an authentic, inspirational ‘gutter to the stars' story reach a milestone.

Over time, Trejo has gone from being a heroin-addicted petty criminal to an in demand, successful actor and respected role model. Machete is empowering, not just for providing that career zenith, but also because it shows minority groups and society's underdogs rising up. Machete is a reminder, like the Blaxploitation flicks and loose waves like 'Queer Cinema', that marginalised groups can rally and realise some power through film (or, in fact, any form of pop culture).

Movies should be uplifting and inspire people and well told underdog tales help them access hope and determined resolve. Audiences deserve motion pictures that empower them and shouldn't be insulted by patronising products that put them down.

If Hollywood isn't providing that galvanisation and fair representation, it's up to the marginalised to create their own media to build momentum.

Budgets needn't be big

Cash is crass and can kill the spirit of invention. Looking back to his debut movie, El Mariachi, Rodriguez managed to produce an enjoyable and intriguing hitman flick on the most meagre of budgets (half of which he raised from participating in clinical drug trials).

Machete may have been made with far more than $7,000, but it's still a pretty inexpensive venture if you consider other material cranked out by big studios and Rodriguez's economical approach makes sense in the 'current harsh climate'.

Gareth Edwards' superb sci-fi road movie, Monsters, is another example of how something truly great can be realised on constrained resources (an estimated budget of $200,000 and a location shooting cast and crew of seven).

You don't need to splash the cash to make spectacular movies.

It's okay to have obscene amounts of fun

Machete is stupidly and outrageously over the top and wears that proudly on its sleeve. It's a wild rampage of sex, guts and mariachi-tinged rock 'n' roll, with riotous action and so much delicious violence I spent the entire thing laughing with an ear to ear smile on my face.

Rodriguez's work isn't to everyone's taste, but if you're up for the trip you'll have a blast.

You can tell that everyone involved enjoyed making this movie and the sense of enthusiastic energy seeps from the frames. I'd rather feel that kind of a vibe at the cinema than get the sense I'm watching something that has been pumped out in workmanlike conditions as ‘just another job'.

Altogether, making art shouldn't be a loveless ordeal and it's OK to enjoy a movie just for the sake of having fun.

Politics needn't be po-faced

The immigration issues and subtexts about American society are central to Machete and it does nice work in mirroring the real world back upon the audience. It's a movie with a message but not a 'message movie' in that it doesn't batter you with heavy-handed preachiness.

It goes to show, you can actively communicate and communicate progressive ideology with humour and you don't have to drop the entertainment for grave grandstanding.

Here endeth the lesson. Marvel at Machete and venerate it as a sage, sharp-edged mentor.

James' previous column can be found here.

James sketched a series of movie spoof comics and they can be found here.

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Inside the press pack there's a quote that proudly claims that Outcast is "The Most Original Horror Movie Since Let The Right One In!" While I'd dispute its claims at originality, at least it doesn't claim that Outcast is in any shape or form good because, sadly, it isn't.

A laboured and po-faced affair, Colm McCarthy's debut feature is a far from impressive piece of work, which seems to have little or no grasp of what type of movie it aspires to be. Is it a Guillermo del Toro-style fusion of ancient folklore with the modern world?  Is it a kitchen sink drama with a supernatural edge? Is it a classic ‘beast on the loose' story? Is it a chase movie? The answer is that it's all of the above, while also managing to be none of them, either convincingly or effectively.

The plot follows the mysterious Mary (Kate Dickie) and her teenage son, Fergal (Niall Bruton) as they move into a new flat on a run down Scottish council estate. On the run from the mysterious Cathal (James Nesbitt), both Mary and her pursuer are locked in a form of mystical/magical stalemate that ties back into this particular dysfunctional family's own chequered history, a history which now threatens to catch up with both mother and son.

However, when a brutal series of murders (seemingly perpetuated by a mysterious ‘creature') begin to plague the estate, remaining hidden suddenly no longer appears possible for these two outcasts.

The root of the film's problems lay in the banal and unfocused screenplay that Tom McCarthy and his brother Colm have delivered. In another press release revelation, we're informed that the first draft of Outcast was "full of holes". If those problems were ever fixed is debatable, but the finished film is riddled with issues that hobble the film, and stop it gaining any momentum at every turn.

However, despite the myriad flaws, there are occasional glimmers of life and certainly the most successful strand of the film is its evocation of life on a Scottish council estate. There's a real texture and tactility to these scenes, which evokes, at least visually, some of Ken Loach's work and wouldn't be out of place in some of Channel 4/Film 4's output.

Unfortunately, that also brings up another of the film's big issues, that it doesn't feel cinematic, but rather much more like an episode of a television programme. Given Colm McCarthy's background is as a director of British television shows such as Spooks and Murphy's Law, maybe that shouldn't be a surprise.

What this does mean is that McCarthy, unlike some first time directors, is used to working with decent actors and that is reflected in the strong performances he draws from Dickie, Bruton and Hanna Stanbridge as Fergal's would-be girlfriend, Petronella. Dickie, in particular, is superb (just as she was in Andrea Arnold's Red Road), and her turn as the earthy and unhinged Mary almost makes this a movie worth watching.

Less successful is the whole 'hunter' strand of the plot, which is both horribly expositional and contains a one-dimensional performance by James Nesbitt as the clearly 'crazy' Cathal. The fact that Nesbitt is saddled with some appalling dialogue and several ludicrous set pieces certainly doesn't help matters, but nor does director McCarthy's attempts to evoke Stanley Kubrick's The Shining in Nesbitt's climactic scenes. I'm not sure what the intention was here, but it merely serves to underline that, while James Nesbitt is certainly no Jack Nicholson, Colm McCarthy really isn't Stanley Kubrick.

Aside from the uncertainty of tone, the film also suffers from a distinct lack of tension and pace. This is, in part, due to some rather flat direction, but the principle flaw lies, once again, with the script.

In every sense this is a film of no surprises, where every 'revelation' is so obviously and laboriously telegraphed that you're almost willing the characters to open their eyes, catch up with the plot and get a move on before the pubs shut. This is particularly true during the midsection of the film, which seems to lose any sense of momentum and clearly could have done with a serious trim in the edit suite.

The final disappointment the film serves up is in the area of the 'beast'. Sadly, yet again, Outcast stumbles when it needs to convince and the monster, a sort of unfortunate cross between an Uruk-hai, the Hulk and a werewolf, is another element that seems ill-conceived and misjudged in its execution. Which, in the final analysis, is probably the best summation of Outcast as a whole.

A British horror movie that's as original as Let The Right One In would be something to cherish, but until it arrives, don't bother with Outcast, sadly.

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Somewhere opens with a nice, big metaphor. A sports car speeds across the frame and out of shot, the distant roar of its engine the only clue that it's still going. Seconds later it reappears, flashes past, then disappears again. And then again, and again, and again.

It's going round in circles, basically. And Sofia Coppola's film tells the story of a man whose life is just that: a sports car going nowhere, a life full of fleeting excitement that's ultimately meaningless. Clever, huh?

Okay, that's a little hokey. But Somewhere doesn't do hokey at all after that. In fact, it doesn't do much of anything at all after that. If Marie Antoinette showed a director trying too hard, then her follow-up to her follow-up to Lost In Translation goes the other way. It's almost as if she's trying not to try. 

Like Lost In Translation, Somewhere tells the story of a movie star, Stephen Dorff's Johnny Marco. Although "story" might be pushing it.  here isn't much to go on here, just a series of things happening. Johnny has a drink and smokes a cigarette. Johnny watches two pole dancers perform for his enjoyment. Johnny goes to an Italian film festival and sleeps around a bit. And, most importantly, Johnny spends time with his daughter (Elle Fanning's Cleo).

Somewhere is so slight that it makes Bill Murray's escapades in Japan seem like a David Lean adventure. Even dialogue is hard to come by in the film's opening fifteen minutes. Coppola simply follows Dorff's Johnny around as if this is a documentary about a man with nothing on that day. Well, nothing except that private pole dancing show.

Not even a movie star routine can shift the film into a higher gear. Dorff's visit to get a mould of his head made is so stretched out and lacking excitement that it becomes hilariously banal. Coppola simply lets her camera sit there, a passive observer in a silent world. And Somewhere feels like eavesdropping on someone's life.

Of course, this isn't just any life. It's Johnny the Movie Star's life. So, the film is filled with comic vignettes highlighting the ridiculousness of it all: a massage gone wrong, a press conference filled with inane questions ("Who is Johnny Marco?", one journalist asks, which curiously neither Johnny nor the film ever answers), an awards presentation, kinda gone wrong. Coppola tells the same thing more than once. This is an existence of simply smiling and moving onto the next thing, wherever that may be.

Dorff, exiled from the straight-to-DVD hell he's been unfairly consigned to for the better part of the last decade (although Felon was pretty good), underplays it for all its worth. And, incredibly, he takes a cue out of the Joey from Friends school of acting. This is as much about reacting as it as acting. A slight smile is all it takes to draw us in, a glazed over look at the surreal happenings he has to contend with enough to provoke a laugh.

It's in keeping with the film's tone. Because even when Fanning's Cleo enters the picture, Coppola refuses to make Somewhere what you think it will become. Sure, there's a message in here, but there's none of the histrionics that usually accompany it, no melodramatic soundtrack urging us to cry, and no big hugs going round.

Somewhere is funnier than it is moving, but like Coppola's camera, it lingers longer than you expect. That sports car opening is more than just a metaphor too. You keep thinking something's going to happen there. Is the car going to veer off? Is it going to change direction? Is it going to do anything other than just go round and round? No, it's not. It's just going to keep doing what it's doing. Coppola's film is exactly the same. 

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With the new trailer that appeared back in November, The Green Hornet magically transformed from a film we were somewhat concerned about, to one we’re now looking forward to seeing. The much publicised production difficulties appeared to be far behind it, and Michel Gondry’s quirky sense of humour was more strongly in evidence.

And as the weeks tick down to The Green Hornet’s UK release (we have to get that pesky Christmas festival out of the way first), a new collection of behind-the-scenes images have landed in our inbox.

Some show Gondry hard at work with his cameras and scientific apparatus, while others show Seth Rogen and Jay Chou in character as the titular Green Hornet and sidekick Kato.

As ever, click on the thumbnails to get an expanded view.

The Green Hornet arrives in UK cinemas on 14 January.

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This review contains spoilers.

3.8 Entrada

We've been building up to the realisation that the Olivia that Peter is now in a relationship with is actually not the same one that he's been getting to know for the last two seasons and a third. But I, for one, was a little surprised that the confrontation it was bound to cause happened so quickly in Entrada.

With just a few minutes, a secret that's been privy to the viewers for the previous eight episodes was out in the open, and everyone at Fringe division realised they'd been duped. Is it me, or was this like saving pennies for months and then blowing the whole enchilada on a single horse?

But what I didn't really follow about proceedings was that, if Altivia's mission was effectively complete, which it appears it was, then why was she still hanging around anyway?

As they tried to track her down I also kept wondering why they didn't power up that wonderful device that Walter made which creates a window into the other dimension and use it to spy on them as a means to gather information as to their next move.

Entrada, in the end, started very well and then lost its momentum when it got to the later stages, where Colonel Broyles is convinced to help Olivia escape and the ultimate drastic consequences of this choice.

What I did enjoy was the sequence in the train station where a shape-shifter turns up to prepare Altivia for her return trip, with the FBI and Fringe division in hot pursuit. The twist they inserted into this, with the woman stumbling into them in the bathroom was slick, if slightly predictable. And it left me wondering how they'd explain to that young woman that the person she saw shot in the head wasn't her mother, who presumably was already dead.

It all ended rather flat, with Peter being sensitive and romantic at Olivia's beside, presumably wondering how he'd drop into the conversation how good the alternate version of her was in bed. My plot spies tell me that doppelganger sex is a subject that's given some mileage in the next episode, which is the last of 2010 before the show goes on its annual hiatus until the end of January.

I'm slightly concerned that Entrada tied up rather too many plot threads in one go, and we've got relatively little now to follow other than the rather mysterious machine that Walternate has everyone searching for pieces of.

That said, the standard that Fringe has achieved this season has been very high, and maintaining that level was always going to be a challenge for the creative team. I'll be very surprised if episode 9, Marionette, doesn't throw us a couple of curve balls to keep the viewers tuning back in when it returns.

I'm also hoping that Walter comes back into form, as he's been quite suppressed (and depressed) his season, and we need him back in full straightjacket-crazy mode as soon as possible.

Read our review of  episode 7, The Abducted, here.

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This review contains spoilers.

10. No Ordinary Sidekick

I'm running out of things to say about where this show went wrong, and where it continues to go wrong. The writers' plan in this week's episode appears to have been to cause the two 'sidekick' characters to flip against their normal characters and suddenly become egotists.

Quite why they thought this would be fun is beyond me, because I found this entire part of the show tiresome in the extreme. It also generated some head-slapping moments, like when Katie Andrews is told by The Watcher that his name isn't Will, but Joshua, and she accepts it like he's just told her he changed cologne. I know she's supposed to be somewhat naive, but nobody is that stupid, surely?

And to cap it all they introduced a plot hole that you could drive a Mack truck through, when The Watcher arrives at the Powell home to find only Daphne home alone. This is the bit of the show that they labelled in pre-production as 'drama', because according to the No Ordinary Family playbook, each episode must have a touch of drama, along with some sappy teenage angst, and some truly painful father/son or mother/daughter moments.

For just a split second I thought they might kill off Daphne, and inject some genuine edge to the show, but alas, instead she has her mind wiped! I groaned so loudly at this point that a neighbour came around to check I hadn't had a coronary.

The logic of this entirely escaped me, because if The Watcher can erase people's memories, then why is he leaving a trail of bodies everywhere? Surely it would be much easier, and less likely to attract police interest to give them amnesia than to kill them?

The whole subplot here about The Watcher wanting permanent superpowers, not just the injected variety, was entirely lame, because even if he did find out how the Powells are different, he's not got the skills to use that knowledge.

After ten episodes, this show hasn't really gone anywhere in particular. The only time all four of them got together to solve a problem using their powers was when the old Mustang broke down, which is possibly a metaphor for this show.

The problem from the outset is the writers won't decide if this is a new version of the Brady Bunch or a rehash of Heroes, seemingly believing that they can have both and get the collective audience. I don't know if they've noticed the viewing figures, but they haven't found a new perfect combination.

I actually like it when the show gets darker, but if anything it's got lighter as the weeks have progressed. The cast is trying very hard, but they need much better scripts than they've been fed so far.

Using my secret abilities, which I call 'googling', I can tell you that No Ordinary Family returns on January 11th. The dispersal of that information probably classifies me as a super-villain.

Read our review of episode 9, No Ordinary Anniversary, here.

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Every year, at this time, the shelves of your local DVD shop start bulging under the weight of stand-up comedy releases. This year is no different, and we've rounded up some of your many options right here, all in one place.

Without further ado...

DARA O BRIAIN: THIS IS THE SHOW

A terrific tour and another terrific DVD release from one of the very best stand-ups currently on the circuit. It helps, too, that this is O Briain's most confident set to date, tackling subjects such as videogaming, Roland Emmerich, grizzly bears and a bit of piracy, too. Plus, there's an outstanding, just for the DVD, ending. Excellent stuff.

The extra material is superb, too, from a piece demonstrating the organ that stands unused for so long at the Hammersmith Apollo, through to the now-infamous drinking game commentary that O Briain includes on his discs.

This time, he's brought in Andy Parsons and Ed Byrne to watch the DVD back with him, and they make quite a few sage comments in between the drinking.

KEVIN BRIDGES: THE STORY SO FAR

The maiden DVD from Kevin Bridges sees him playing the SECC in Glasgow. It's a massive arena, and the set that Bridges performs is relatively general. But there are more hits in it than misses.

The highlight material for us is the segment where Bridges discusses the television viewing habits of his father, but there are lots of chuckles littered through a solid set.

The only extra you get on the disc is Bridges' Live At The Apollo set, which doesn't add a great deal to the package. But it's a decent inclusion, anyway.

RHOD GILBERT & THE CAT THAT LOOKED LIKE NICHOLAS LYNDHURST

Rhod Gilbert's second DVD release keeps the standard just as high as last year. Once more, he's put together some decent extra feature material, but it's the wonderful tempo of the main feature that's the gold here.

Gilbert is famed already for his rants, and his sheer anger at the most trivial of things. But there's a lot more than that in his set here, and while he ties material from the previous gig into this one, there's no shortage of hefty laughs.

There's a real technique to what Gilbert does that perhaps he doesn't always get full credit for, and the explanation of the show's title alone is worth checking the disc out for.

TIM VINE: PUNSLINGER

Hurling gags aplenty from the moment he takes to the stage, Tim Vine revisits his earlier show, Punslinger, for this year's DVD release. Massively underappreciated, Vine throws out joke after joke after joke, and it's easy to dismiss the craft underpinning his set by the sheer wonderful silliness of it all. It's not the best material he's put on DVD, but it's still a good, funny gig.

The extras are terrific, again, as Vine is one of the comedians who regularly goes the extra mile for the DVD release. The two highlights? Lots of try-out material, including lots of misses, and a genuinely interesting commentary track.

JIMMY CARR: MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH

Another jam-packed DVD, and this one has the distinction of presenting pretty much the entire gag, complete with the interval. It works well, too, giving you a chance to take advantage of a natural break in the act, as you would were you seeing Carr on stage.

The material is well tuned, varied, and hits the funnybone with regularity. And the disc package itself is brilliant, with lots of behind the scenes stuff to explore.

Carr says that he wants his DVDs to be as close to the feeling of going to one of his shows as possible, and including material such as the meet and greet afterwards only adds to this. Another strong disc.

BILL BAILEY: DANDELION MIND

A tighter gig than Tinselworm, Dandelion Mind inevitably has its peaks and troughs, but whenever Bill Bailey hits his stride, he takes material and presentation in directions that none of his peers can match. And the good news is that he's on fire for good stretches of this performance. The crowd are very much on his side, too, and do make sure you keep seated until the credits have rolled.

Credit, too, for the interesting behind-the-scenes tour documentary, which finds Bailey hunting for a missing minibus in the Shetland Islands.

LEE MACK: GOING OUT

A masterclass in performance as well as comedy, Lee Mack also includes lots of extras on his DVD. There's the entire support act from Simon Evans, for starters. Then there's an interesting documentary following Mack on tour, including the early starts so he could hammer out scripts for Not Going Out as he travelled.

The gig is brilliant, up there with O Briain's as one of the top two gigs on disc of the season.

Agonisingly funny at times, pacey, and including a welcome Q&A at the end, we can only hope Mack will be back on the road soon, such is the quality of this release.

STEPHEN K AMOS: THE FEELGOOD FACTOR

Amos is a naturally fun man, and that sometimes get him through otherwise less successful parts of his set. That's the case anyway with his new DVD, which is enjoyable, but tickles the ribs less than some of the titles in this round-up.

It really does have its moments, though, not least a terrific ending that Amos has put together for the DVD. It just about has the edge on last year's release, but it does leave you with the feeling that Amos' definitive DVD gig is still in the future.

SEAN LOCK: LOCKIPEDIA

Madonna, Twitter, and strange confrontations on trains are just some of the topics covered in Sean Lock's second stand-up DVD. By turns whimsical, bitter and surreal, Lock's varied approach ensures that his material never lingers on one topic or mood for too long and the result is one of the more unpredictable, rambling stand-up DVDs you'll see this year.

Lock's oblique monologues are separated by his new invention, Audience Battleships, where he attempts to come up with jokes based on disparate words blurted out by audience members. Watching Lock desperately trying to think of amusing things to say - a kind of verbal escapology - is often as funny as his more rehearsed material.

Lock's closing routine, which involves Madonna scuttling around in a seedy hotel room in the dark, is wonderfully bizarre, ensuring that Lockipedia ends on a surreal high.

SIMON AMSTELL: DO NOTHING LIVE

We end our round-up on the weakest of this year's DVD releases, and we say that as big fans of Simon Amstell. His set here, though, doesn't at any point spark into life.

It feels as if Amstell is trying to be distinctive in what he talks about, yet as he goes about telling his stories, and throwing in welcome references to My So Called Life, he just seems to forget the jokes. On the one hand, we warm to the fact he's taking chances with his material. On the other, it really doesn't work very well.

It's quite a short set you get on the disc, too, measuring in at just over an hour. But it's still quite hard going.

All of the stand-up DVDs in our round-up are out now and available through the Den Of Geek Store by clicking on their DVD cover image.

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Director Marc Webb is busy shooting the forthcoming Spider-Man reboot in Los Angeles, and the first images (which you can see to the left) give us the first sighting of Emma Stone in the role of Gwen Stacy, the love interest of new web-slinger Andrew Garfield.

Shot on the steps of an LA cathedral, the scene depicts Stacy leaving a funeral – and according to Internet dwellers who know far more about Spider lore than I do personally, the service could be for Gwen’s father, George, played in the movie by Denis Leary. This is, of course, mere conjecture at this stage.

What I can tell you, having done a bit of research, is that the coat Emma Stone is wearing consists of 60% wool, 38% polyester and 2% nylon, and is dry-clean only, while her gloves are made of 100% genuine leather, with a knitted short pile furry lining. Fascinating stuff.

As usual, click on the miniature images to see larger, more detailed versions.

Just Jared

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We’ve already hung up the bunting, and decorated an action man to look a bit like Nathan Drake in celebration – Naughty Dog has announced a third Uncharted game in its PlayStation 3-exclusive action series, called Drake’s Deception.

As you’ve probably guessed from the image on the right, Uncharted 3 will be based in the Arabian desert.

Further, we’ve just caught sight of the game’s cover art, which shows Drake standing moodily in front of a wrecked plane. It wouldn’t be an Uncharted game without the protagonist being involved in some sort of vehicular accident, would it?

The box art, which arrives courtesy of Now Gamer, also reveals that Uncharted 3 will support Sony’s new fangled 3D televisions.

Meanwhile, Kotaku reports that Naughty Dog will show off the first live footage of its new game on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon (which, as far as we can work out, is some sort of US talk show in the mould of Russell Harty or Terry Wogan) on Monday 13 December.

Given the out-and-out brilliance of the last Uncharted game, Among Thieves, we’re very excited indeed about the prospect of getting our hands on Drake’s Deception – but you’ve probably already gathered that.

More news on Uncharted 3 as we get it.

Kotaku

Now Gamer

As many of our favourite shows finish or break for the winter and holiday hiatus, we reach the short lull before the madness of Christmas scheduling.

But there's still lots of great telly to be found in the upcoming week and we give you the highlights of the next seven days' worth of televisual delights and curiosities.

Tonight, Friday, December 10th, The Walking Dead finale airs at 10:00pm on FX. Entitled TS-19, the episode begins with our group of survivors finally reaching what appears to be a zombie-free haven. But that would be too easy, wouldn't it? It was far too short a series with far too long to wait until it starts again, but have a look and see if you agree with our review and the commenters' opinions.

If the Millennium Trilogy (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, etc) left you either unfulfilled or wanting more mysteries of the Swedish variety, or you enjoyed either the original Wallander series or the remakes with Kenneth Branagh, you may enjoy the film versions, the first of which airs at 9:00pm on BBC4 on Saturday,  December 11th. Wallander: The Man Who Smiled is then repeated on Thursday, December 16th at 10:00pm, again, on BBC4.

Another repeat, and one that left us dangling, waiting for its return is the final, cliffhanger episode of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in the rejuvenated Sherlock series. The Great Game is rebroadcast on Sunday, December 12th at 8:00 on BBC3. Repeated Sherlock is better than no Sherlock, surely.

If Shakespeare is more to your liking, or you've got the Sherlock boxset wrapped up, you'll have an easier decision and can instead go with Macbeth on Sunday, December 12th at 7:30pm on BBC4. Like Sherlock, this is a modern retelling of the play and stars Patrick Stewart. The setting is switched to a 20th century warzone, with similarities to Hitler's bunkered days. If you enjoyed Hamlet with David Tennant last Christmas, you'll probably want to see this new treatment as well.

Our next entry is a bit of another mystery, and, although it stars a detective, that's no attempt at clever wordplay on our parts. Another BBC4 offering, there's very little information known about Dirk Gently, based on the Douglas Adams books. We know it's an hour long starting Thursday, December 16th at 9:00pm on BBC4, and that it's inspired by the novels, rather than being an adaptation. But how many more may air and whether they'll cover both Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency and The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul we don't yet know. We did find a trailer video that may help plan your week's viewing and we're informed this episode features a cat. Is that enough to go by?

The always impressive, potty-mouthed Misfits finishes its second season on Thursday, December 16th at 10:00pm on E4. Sort of. Although that will be the end of its 6-episode run, with a story wherein the ASBO Five achieve fame and get a sniff at fortune, the show returns with a Christmas special, giving us a seventh chance to watch these most improbable and randy superheroes.

Now, on to the films showing through the weekend and beyond. There are a few early Christmas comedies to share with the kids and a collection for Jim Carrey fans too. As always, if we missed anything interesting, have a shout in the comments, with our thanks.

Please also note: the ordinal numbers for dates will help you scan through this simple list with your browser's search function. Enter '11th' in your browser's Find box or window to highlight and/or tab through all movies shown on Saturday. Enjoy!

Apollo 13
On: ITV2  
Date: Sunday 12th December
Time: 08:50am (and 9:50am ITV2+1)

Bad Day At Black Rock
On: more4   
Date: Friday 10th
Time: 11:50am

Bananas
On: TCM
Date: Monday 13th December
Time: 02:30am

Blade
On: TCM   
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 11:30pm

Blade: Trinity
On: Film4  
Date: Sunday 12th December
Time: 9:00pm (and 10:00pm Film4+1)

Bruce Almighty
On: BBC 3   
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 7:25pm

Catch Me If You Can
On: BBC 3
Date: Wednesday 15th December
Time: 8:00pm

Children Of Men
On: ITV4
Date: Tuesday 14th December
Time: 00:35am (and 1:35am ITV4+1)

Crank
On: ITV4
Date: Thursday 16th December
Time: 11:35pm

Deathwatch
On: Film4
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 02:00am (and 3:00am Film4+1)

Dogma
On: Film4
Date: Wednesday 15th December
Time: 9:00pm (and 10:00pm Film4+1)

Dressed To Kill
On: TCM
Date: Thursday 16th December
Time: 11:15pm

Elf
On: Channel 4
Date: Sunday 12th December
Time: 5:40pm (and 6:40pm 4+1)

Falling Down
On: ITV1  
Date: Wednesday 15th December
Time: 10:35pm

Flash Gordon
On: ITV4
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 3:40pm (and 4:40pm ITV4+1)

From Hell
On: Five USA    
Date: Monday 13th December
Time: 10:00pm (and 11:00pm Five USA+1)

Identity
On: Bravo
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 9:00pm (and 10:00pm Bravo+1)

Isolation
On: Channel 4
Date: Thursday 16th December
Time: 00:50am (and 1:50am 4+1)

Jackie Chan's Police Story 2
On: SyFy   
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 10:00pm (and 11:00pm Syfy+1, 00:30/1:30am 12th Dec)

Jingle All The Way
On: Film4
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 7:20pm (and 8:20om Film4+1)

Krull
On: SyFy
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 4:40pm (and 5:40pm Syfy+1, 2:20/3:30pm 12th Dec)

Lethal Weapon
On: ITV4    
Date: Wednesday 15th December
Time: 11:00pm (and midnight ITV4+1)

Liar Liar
On: ITV1  
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 4:00pm

Macbeth (2010)
On: BBC 4   
Date: Sunday 12th December
Time: 7:30pm

Mad Max
On: ITV4    
Date: Sunday 12th December
Time: 10:00pm (and 11:00pm ITV4+1)

Miller's Crossing
On: Film4   
Date: Thursday 16th December
Time: 01:20am (and 2:20am Film4+1)

Never Say Never Again
On: ITV4   
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 7:20pm (and 8:20pm ITV4+1)

Once upon A Time In The West
On: Film4
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 10:50pm (and 11:50pm Film4+1)

Passenger 57
On: ITV2
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 10:00pm (and 11:00pm ITV2+1, 00:45/1:45am 15th Dec)

Queen Of The Damned
On: TCM
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 9:00pm (and 00:55am 11th Dec)

Rambo: First Blood Part II
On: ITV4
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 11:00pm (and midnight ITV4+1, 10:35/11:35pm 13th Dec)

Run Lola Run
On: Sky Movies Indie  
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 08:00am

Se7en
On: Five USA   
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 10:05pm (and 11:05pm Five+1)

Spider-Man 3
On: FIVER
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 9:00pm (and 10:00pm Fiver+1, 4:20/5:20pm 11th Dec)

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock
On: Film4
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 7:00pm (and 8:00pm Film4+1)

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
On: Film4
Date: Sunday 12th December
Time: 1:00pm (and 2:pm Film4+1, 6:40/7:40pm 15th Dec)

The Addams Family
On: LIVING     
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 4:00pm (and 5:00pm Living+1, 3/4:00pm 12th Dec)

The Beach
On: Channel 4  
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 10:40pm (and 11:40pm 4+1)

The China Syndrome
On: Five USA  
Date: Sunday 12th December
Time: 1:50pm (and 2:5-pm Five USA+1)

The Fog (1980)
On: ITV4
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 01:00am (and 2:00am ITV4+1)

The Island Of Dr. Moreau (1977)
On: TCM  
Date: Thursday 16th December
Time: 01:15am

The Legend Of Drunken Master
On: Sky Movies Indie   
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 8:05pm (and 6:35pm 13th Dec)

The Outrage
On: more4   
Date: Wednesday 15th December
Time: 11:20am

The Mask
On: TCM
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 7:00pm (and 10:55am 12th Dec)

The Matrix
On: ITV2
Date: Monday 13th December
Time: 9:00pm (and 10:00pm ITV2+1)

The Matrix Reloaded
On: ITV2
Date: Tuesday 14th December
Time: 10:00pm (and 22:00pm ITV2+1)

The Matrix Revolutions
On: ITV2    
Date: Wednesday 15th December
Time: 9:00pm (and 10:00pm ITV2+1)

The One
On: Five
Date: Sunday 12th December
Time: 7:50pm

The Silence Of The Lambs
On: Universal Channel  
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 01:00am (and 2:00am Universal+1, 10/11:00pm 11th Dec)

The White Ribbon
On: Sky Movies Premiere
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: midnight (and 1:00am 11th Dec Premiere+1, then daily through 17th Dec)

The Wolfman
On: Sky Movies Premiere   
Date: Friday 10th December
Time: 10:00pm (and 11:00pm Premiere+1, then aily at similar times through 16th Dec)

Three Amigos!
On: TCM
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 5:10pm (and 9:00am 12th Dec)

Transformers
On: Film4
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 9:00pm (and 10:00pm Film4+1)

Valiant
On: Film4   
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 1:00pm (and 2:00pm Film4+1)

Waterworld
On: SyFy
Date: Saturday 11th December
Time: 8:00pm (and 9:00pm Syfy+1, 4:40/5:40pm 12th Dec)

Zatôichi
On: Film4
Date: Wednesday 15th December
Time: 01:30am (and 2:30pm Film4+1)

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