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The Trip episode 6 review: The Angel At Hetton: series finale

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The Trip: The Angel At Hetton

A low-key ending fails to dampen Mark's spirits for Coogan and company, with the finale of The Trip.


6. The Angel At Hetton

Disappointing series endings. I've been privy to a few in my televisual viewing time. Curb Your Enthusiasm has a particular habit of failing to match what's gone before with series closers, third series The Grand Opening apart, and I mention that here as Steve Coogan has shown his admiration for that series in the past. Indeed, I wonder if that had any bearing on his desire to go improv for The Trip. Whatever the reason, it's a shame to report that last night's series finale was also below par.

The episode suffered from a distinct lack of the big laughs that have been present in previous efforts and, like the characters themselves, appeared a little tired of its own premise. Six episodes of watching Coogan and Brydon hang out and eat together seemed, on paper, a slight proposition, but until last night's episode, had delivered so much humour from the smaller, incidental moments in life that it can be labelled a triumph for all involved. A shame, then, that it finished with a whimper rather than a much deserved bang.

Taking in the wonderful Bolton Abbey as the opening backdrop, we were treated to more banter and impressions between the pair and a shared breakfast took the place of a lavish lunch. Coogan's remarks that, in many ways, this was the best meal of the trip mirrored his own reawakening.

It seemed that his son's comments in the last episode about his friendship with Rob had offered him a re-appreciation of their relationship. Instead of beating him down, he appeared for the first time here to view him as an equal, as no more or less than a good friend.

The series has given Coogan an opportunity to flex his dramatic muscles and he has done so with aplomb. We've always known he was adept at physical comedy, but I never knew his face could portray as much angst and internal turmoil as he has managed throughout the series and it has never been so apparent as it was in this final episode.

The closing scene of Coogan overlooking London, on his own in his flat, having turned down an opportunity to head for America and Mischa in favour of attempting to patch things up with his family, was a telling moment. It's taken a week with a good friend for him to realise that there is more to life than striving for the top all the time and that there is no shame in being happy with your lot. Perhaps now, he can achieve his own state of Zen.

These moments of self-reflection and drama were inherent throughout the episode and a visit to his parents brought to light everything that he has apparently feared in this series. His parents found Rob's impressions and manners amusing, while their own flesh and blood looked awkward and ill at ease even among his family.

Brydon's self-confidence and self-worth were obvious once more and the juxtaposition with Coogan's doubts came to the fore in just a few glances and crossed words. The minimalist approach the series has adopted has been a delight throughout, and it's served to bring welcome drama among the comedy.

Where this particular episode differed from the rest, though, was that the balance between the two was very much skewered towards the drama. That's not to say it's a bad thing, necessarily, but it did mean the series was always going to end on a low, such is the persona Coogan has been painted with here.

I did enjoy watching the resolution between the pair, however, and Brydon's assertions to his wife that he couldn't be away for so long again, matched with the shot of a lonely Coogan in his swish apartment, told you everything you needed to know about the state of both parties.

Looking at the series as a whole, it has proved to be a real gem for the BBC and I only hope all involved receive the wider plaudits they so richly deserve. Coogan, in particular, has laid bare his public persona and gained significant dramatic kudos from doing so.

The tragicomedy of the year has also provided Brydon with an outlet to show his natural talents to a wider audience and I hope the pair work together again, only not on a repeat of this. It would be a mistake to commission another series, as I can't see it working second time round.

For now, though, I'm just glad to have been privy to such a bold, ambitious project. It's been a richly rewarding journey.

Read our review of episode five, The Yorke Arms, here.

Read all our reviews of The Trip here.

Follow Den Of Geek on Twitter right here.


Michael Apted interview: Voyage Of The Dawn Treader, 3D, Harry Potter, James Bond and more

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Michael Apted

As Voyage Of The Dawn Treader sails into cinemas, we catch up with director Michael Apted to chat about Narnia, remakes and Mexican drug wars…

There's been more than a touch of life imitating art in the case of the third instalment of The Chronicles Of Narnia franchise, The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader. From the Narnian snowstorm that accompanied the film's cast down the red carpet at last Tuesday night's premiere, to the raft of challenges faced by veteran Brit director Michael Apted and crew since production started in early 2007, it's difficult not to draw comparisons.

Prince Caspian fled an uncle and was rescued by a badger. Dawn Treader was abandoned by Disney and rescued by a Fox. Caspian and crew do battle with slave traders, dufflepods and a sea serpent. Apted and crew battled writers' strikes, a recession and the burgeoning pituitary glands of a young cast whose growth spurts and breaking voices were poised to ruin everything.

Add to that the terrifying prospect of being caught in the crossfire of a Mexican drug war on the shoot's original Rosarito location, as well as the prospect of an even more violent reaction from Narniaphiles if the talking mouse's hat turned out to be the wrong colour and you wouldn't have blamed Apted and crew had they upped anchor and sailed away.

But hope and faith being the stuff Narnia is made of, sail away they didn't. We talked to the man himself, a director with more than 40 years in the business, director of  Gorillas In The Mist, The World Is Not Enough and the seminal series of Up television documentaries profiling the lives of a group of children every seven years since 1964, about returning to the magic of Narnia.

You made some additions to the source material in Dawn Treader to give Caspian's journey more of an urgent purpose than it had in the book. How important do you think fidelity is to the original material in film adaptations?

I think fidelity in spirit is the important thing. You can't do a biopic - and I've done a few of those - or tell someone's life in two hours, so you have to make choices. I think in this case it was clear from the minute I read it that we would have a problem dramatizing because there's no real forward motion in it.  It's full of wonderful scenes that are great to read the children at night in bed, because you can read a chapter, forget about it and then do the next chapter, but for a movie that's disastrous.

We did try to be totally faithful to the book but it never worked. We were able to steal, as it were, from between the two books, this and The Silver Chair, from a whole bit CS Lewis never bothered to write about, how the underworld was recruiting Narnians to eventually attack Narnia. So, we eventually stole from that and put it in this story. We didn't invent it. We just moved things about a bit.

You've described Dawn Treader as the definition of an epic. Which cinematic epics have influenced your filmmaking?

I don't really like epic films. I find them sort of distancing because it's all these scenes and action and movement and sometimes you just get disconnected to the characters. They just get lost in the landscape.

So, what attracted me to this is that Dawn Treader is a very intimate story. It's a very emotional story, and yet it's also epic. I liked the challenge of that because of the contrast between the scale of it and the emotion of it. It was really an intimate story on a big scale setting. It was also a challenge, really, with the visual effects and the 3D that I didn't want either of them to swamp the story or to swamp the characters.

It's just so easy. Technology is so amazing now you can do almost anything you want and I thought my job really was to keep an eye on it, to make sure that the characters didn't get lost and the emotions didn't get lost.

You've been described as an actor's director before because of that, your focus on emotion and performance. Is that how you see the director's role?

I think that's the most important thing I do, other than make sure that the script is as good as I can get it, is really to get performances out of actors.

I think that's what stays in the mind. Not just a beautiful image or a beautiful landscape. Especially in this day and age where there are so many visual effects and they're all breathtaking and people become blasé about it. It's a bit ‘seen that, done that, what's new?' And I think what's new is emotion and character.

As a child did you watch epics at the cinema?

I suppose I would have been growing up with David Lean epics, if you know what I mean, which are very sort of English ones.

Which modern fantasies did you watch when preparing for Dawn Treader?

I watched them all, really. When I knew I was doing this, I did all my homework and again, without mentioning any names, you feel sometimes they do get swamped with technology and then they all begin to look and sound the same.

You've had an epic journey with three-and-a-half years making Dawn Treader...

Yes, indeed I have!

Was there any point at which you felt like walking away? And if so, what brought you back to the film?

There were many points when I thought we were never going to make the film, and, yes, I did think why am I hanging around?

It was a very difficult time in the industry. In America, the writers were on strike, the actors were threatening strikes, there were not very many films being made, but I really loved this project. It was a huge challenge for me and I was lucky to get the job. So, I thought, "Well, if you just walk away from it, what are you going into? What would you lose?" And I was right. I'm glad I didn't walk away, because there wasn't anything around that I wanted to do more than this.

I thought I'd just hang in, and we got lucky in the end, because by hanging in, we made it.  I think we all felt lucky. The actors were nervous about it because they were getting older all the time and waiting...

And then there were the Mexican drug wars...

...which were terrifying, yes.

We had all these dramas going on around us and it was really a stroke of luck that the currency changed at a time when Disney pulled out then Fox moved in, and suddenly the film became economically viable. So, we went off and made it pretty quickly after hanging around for so long. We really got on with it.

On the point that 3D technology can swamp nuance in a film, there have been reports that you weren't entirely happy with Dawn Treader's 3D release...

No, that's not true. I suppose it would have been... I don't know whether it would have been better to have actually shot it in 3D and then have that.

Will The Silver Chair be shot in 3D?

Well, I don't know. I suppose so. I don't know whether The Silver Chair would be. I mean there's no dates for that as far as I know about.

I suppose it might have been more interesting to have actually shot it in 3D. I know it's a very, very slow process and when you're working with kids and teenagers you don't have many hours with them each day, so you have to take the time for 3D to do it.

But, you know, I wasn't unhappy about it at all when it was decided to convert it, because I just thought, "Well, here's another challenge. Here's something I've never done before. It'll be interesting to see how it works out."

Inevitably, because of Dawn Treader's release date, there will be comparisons to David Yates' Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. Have you seen it?

I haven't seen it yet. We didn't finish this until fairly recently.

How do you feel about the competition from films like Deathly Hallows?

Well, you have to get over it. There's a lot of competition and what can you do? You do the best you can and you just hope you're not up against directly something that hits the same market.

I suspect that Potter is a bit older than we are, and Tron is definitely more male-orientated. So, yes, it does give you a nervous breakdown, because you just want no other film to be anywhere near yours for a month. But then, you know, you get over it.

You just cited Tron: Legacy as being male-orientated, and in another interview you said that Dawn Treader is more likely to appeal to girls than the previous two Narnia films. What do you make of JK Rowling's criticism of CS Lewis that the books have a misogynist subtext?

Well, I'm not going to speak to that. I don't know. I think Lucy is a very sympathetic character in all the books, so I don't see what her problem is with that.

It was so interesting actually doing this with Georgie (Henley, who plays Lucy Pevensie in the films) because you felt in some ways she was going through the same life as Lucy. She's becoming very beautiful, Lucy. She's growing up from being a young girl into a teenage girl.

You just felt in the underbelly of the film that Georgie was almost playing what she was living through. So, I think this is a kind of honest attempt at a younger girl looking at her older sister and seeing the older sister become a beautiful swan and hungering for that. I think it was a very valid nerve we were touching, really.

That storyline spoke to me in the film.

Yes, it would do and I don't know what Miss Rowling's problem with that would be but... who knows?

You've dealt with that theme, growing up, now in the fantasy genre and also in the Up documentary series. Did you find one mode of filmmaking revealed more than the other about growing up?

I think it's valid in both and they both have their advantages. In documentaries there's a sort of reality about it. You see things that are happening in front of you and there's no - when it's a good documentary - there's no barrier between you and the person and the emotion. But then when you're doing fiction there is a barrier. But on the other hand, you can be very precise with what you're talking about. You can have very well written emotional scenes, whereas in documentaries you wish people could speak faster or not babble quite so much.

So, there's an advantage in both, but I think the emotions of the Up films and the emotions of this are not that dissimilar.

Another comparison: how did taking on this franchise compare to working on Bond? Which did you feel under more pressure with?

In neither was I pressured except in my own mind.

I could never have done this film if I hadn't done Bond first, because this was actually a bigger film than Bond. This was more complicated, doing so much fantasy and surrealism, but I learnt on Bond.

I mean, I almost had a heart attack when I started Bond thinking, "You're never going to get through thi," but you have to do it step by step. You surround yourself with good people and you're not afraid to ask questions and you're not afraid to say, "I don't know how to do it. Tell me"

In both instances I got a very warm, supportive welcome, so there was no sense of being an outsider either way. Especially with Bond, as I was doing the nineteenth Bond, so they had a whole culture, and a whole generation of people on the crew who had been working on it for years.

But in both cases I was very warmly received and I had a wonderful time on both.

One final question. As a filmmaker with 40 plus years of experience in the industry, what do you make of the rash of remakes we're seeing on our screens? Is there a dearth of ideas in cinema at the moment?

It is a tough time. There's a big market for hugely expensive films, like Potter, particularly, and us to a lesser extent, and they tend to take the air out of the industry a bit. There's no room for the middle budget films. Though, saying that, then something like The Social Network comes along and you think, "God, that's great."

There has always been good low budget work, whether it's in films or in television, British television, British independent films, or cable television in America. But it's that kind of $20-30 million budget that gets sort of clobbered and those were the really good films when I was growing up.

Take American cinema in the seventies. Those were the sort of films that were so brilliant. They were smart and clever and found an audience. All the films of Martin Scorsese, the Godfather films, Altman's films, Woody Allen's films... It's an endless list. You look at the Best Picture nominations in the seventies and it takes your breath away. And those sort of films have largely disappeared today.

Although franchises are great and I'm thrilled with this film, you know, they've sucked a bit too much air and money out of the industry.

Michael Apted, thank you very much.

The Chronicles Of Narnia Voyage Of The Dawn Treader will be released in the UK on Thursday 9th December.

The origins of A Bug’s Life

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A Bug's Life: a Seven Samurai homage?

Did Pixar really take influence from the all-time classic Seven Samurai when making A Bug’s Life, we wonder?

If you're looking for inspiration for an animated film, then it's generally all around you. Disney has mined fairy stories, DreamWorks has been hunting down books too, then there are television series, popular characters and original ideas. Basically, given the glut of animated movies coming out every year, the big companies are looking far and wide for inspiration.

But how many have looked to Akira Kurosawa's classic movie, Seven Samurai?

The answer, predictably, is one. And the identity of that one? That'd be Pixar.

For its second feature, A Bug's Life, which we've been celebrating this week, Pixar appeared to take Kurosawa's 1954 classic as inspiration. Certainly, whether the similarities are intentional or coincidental, there's a lot of crossover between the two movies, even though, in terms of treatment, they couldn't be much further apart.

Seven Samurai, if you've not seen it, is the story of a village that hires - yes! - seven samurai to protect the harvest from people looking to steal it. Effectively, the farmers of the village hire in outside help to offer some defence to those who come and steal their livelihoods. It's a stunning film, and, it should be noted, a much longer one than A Bug's Life.

It perhaps goes without saying, though, that if you've never had the chance to catch it, you really should try to, It regularly appears on lists of the best films of all time. Rightly so, too.

So, where does this cross over with Pixar's second movie? Well, firstly, we should be clear, here: A Bug's Life isn't an official remake of Seven Samurai, but it is a film that effectively tells the same story. Only in the case of A Bug's Life, Pixar put together a team of bugs to carry its narrative, instead of samurai. And the firm also, as you'd expect, put more than enough of its own twist upon matters to give it an identity very firmly of its own.

To the best of my knowledge, Pixar has never gone on record to talk about the Seven Samurai link. Instead, it cites a different inspiration as sparking the germ of the idea for the film. On its official website, Pixar offers Aesop's Fables as the starting point for A Bug's Life, instead.

The firm says that the idea itself came from a chat between co-director Andrew Stanton, and storyboard artist Joe Ranft. The pair were chatting about the fable The Ant And The Grasshopper, so goes the story, and developed A Bug's Life from that point on. However, Pixar twisted the classic fable, so that the grasshopper who begs for food in the Aesop story decides to just take it in the A Bug's Life movie. The rest of the narrative was spun out from there.

Yet, for me, it's the Seven Samurai that seems the most potent influence. You have, after all, the anthill under threat from grasshoppers, who wreak their damage and fly off again (although Seven Samurai didn't have Kevin Spacey on brilliant voicing duties, of course).

Off, then, goes one of the bugs to call upon a group of people who can protect said anthill, shoring up the defences of a village that previously had none. If you follow the path through, as to who eventually saves the day in both A Bug's Life and Seven Samurai, there are parallels there, too. In short, it's not too much of a stretch to suggest that A Bug's Life is an homage of sorts.

The films would certainly make a fascinating, and unusual, double bill, but perhaps, therefore, an appropriate one. And it'd be fascinating to see if more animation studios looked at remakes as potential source material. Personally, I'm no advocate of the remake trend, but can't shake the fact that I'm intrigued by a firm such as Pixar digging back into the classic films of the 40s and 50s, and putting an animated spin on them.

For now, though, do consider giving the mighty Seven Samurai (a film with no shortage of imitators, to be fair) and A Bug's Life double bill a go. At the very least, you'll be giving fresh light to Pixar's most underappreciated movie.

A Bug's Life is available on Blu-ray in the UK now.

Follow Den Of Geek on Twitter right here.

Guillermo del Toro to start shooting At The Mountains Of Madness in 2011?

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Guillermo del Toro to start shooting At The Mountains Of Madness

Director Guillermo del Toro’s eagerly awaited Lovecraft adaptation At The Mountains Of Madness could commence shooting in June 2011, we hear…

You can probably count the number of genuinely great HP Lovecraft adaptations on one hand (or one tentacle, if your name's Cthulhu). In fact, aside from Stuart Gordon's classic Re-Animator, and his rather less brilliant From Beyond, I can't think of a single film that has successfully captured the spirit of the writer's florid, doom-laden prose.

If there's one mainstream director capable of faithfully adapting a Lovecraft story, it's Guillermo del Toro, whose twisted imagination and obvious love for the author's work makes him the perfect fit. Del Toro has been talking enthusiastically about directing an adaptation of one of Lovecraft's most well known stories, At The Mountains Of Madness, for some time, and it was suggested back in July that James Cameron would be stepping in as producer.

According to a news story over on SlashFilm, del Toro has been in meetings with men in suits at Universal, in which he showed off his concept designs and miniature monsters, and now hopes to start shooting the movie in June next year.

As a fan of Lovecraft, and At The Mountains Of Madness, in particular, with its brilliantly balanced infusion of science fiction and chilly horror, this is the best possible news. The presence of Cameron should mean that the project will get the budget it deserves (the epic sweep of its source material will require dozens of effects shots), while del Toro's knowledge and respect for Lovecraft's work could make this a truly great adaptation.

At The Mountains Of Madness represents a considerable risk for both del Toro and Cameron, of course, though the prospect of failure doesn't appear to faze the director. "I'm putting all the chips I have accumulated in 20 years as a director, betting them on a single number," del Toro told Slash Film. "This is not just a movie and then move on to the next. It's do or die time for me."

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Mark Watson: Stand-up, the DVD market, writing novels and Twitter

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Mark Watson

As he brings his latest tour to London, we chat to Mark Watson about his novel, Eleven, about his stand-up tour, and about his experiences with Twitter…

He's a novelist. Television presenter. Writer. Blogger. Twitterer. And a lot more besides. And as he brings his latest comedy tour to London, we had a chat with Mark Watson about what he's up to now, and the highs and lows of the last year...

Let's start with an easy one. Can you tell us a little about your current show, which you're bringing to London at the end of this week? Reading the description, it's described as your most personal show to date. What does that actually mean when it comes to the gig itself?

I suppose what it means is that there's a lot more stuff in this show... in a sense, every show has been about myself, but I suppose it's been a bit of a persona. Especially when you think I was using a Welsh accent early on, which I've since phased out.

Even then there was a tendency to do more gags, I suppose.

I guess with this show I'm talking more about my life. I've had a baby this year, I'm 30 this year. I'm at the state of my life where I'm stopping to think what my life adds up to a bit more. And all that's gone into the show.

In general, as I get more experienced, I'm leaning more towards more confessional stand-up. I've got slightly more encouraged to talk about what interests me in life, rather than doing one-liners.

Is there a double edged sword, there? I assume it'd be easier to personally invest in a show like that, but then the other side of that is that you're revealing more of yourself to an audience.

Well, yeah. The odd thing too is that I'm moving towards this more intimate style of comedy, at the same time that I'm playing bigger venues. It's a bit odd in a sense, because I'm trying to put on a show that would be best suited to a very small room. That was where I warmed the show up.

But now I'm parading my life in front of lots of people. It's an odd thing. It'd certainly be a double-edged sword if you took it too far.

Someone like Russell Brand, in the situation where he's delving into pretty much all his life in front of what's ultimately millions of people. I don't know at what point it becomes troubling to do that.

I wonder if Russell Brand sort of jumps a bit, though, which is how he gets away with it. That he goes to such an extreme that you wonder if he jumps over the stuff that really matters to him on the way?

Well, that might be true. In a way, he's probably no more revealing in a way than humdrum stuff because, as you say, you still don't find out that much about the nuts and bolts of his life. You might be right.

In a way, all stand-ups, even those that are very honest, in inverted commas, are still only presenting one carefully chosen aspect of their life.

On your blog, you talk about playing Dundee. You put across beforehand there, tying into the paradox between the material you're putting on and the rooms you're playing, that you're in awe of the venue. That you didn't think it'd work. Yet, presumably, as you broaden the scope of the venues that you're playing, that's where you're testing and surprising yourself the most?

Yeah. The Dundee show was worrying because we moved venues, and it wasn't advertised very well, so I thought it was going to be quite empty. But it was a good sized audience, and it went well.

As you say, the tour has been a voyage of discovery for me, because nearly all the venues are larger than I've played before, and it's really hard to guess what'll work.

On the whole, I've been pleased with the way the shows have gone. But there is a sense with venues that are quite grand, it's a bit like in football where they say you're showing the other team too much respect. You try and do the exact same show you would do if you were playing in your living room. It is harder to do that, though, if it's the concert hall where someone like The Who played.

There's a history to the venues that, if you're not careful, can distract you a bit.

So, what sort of your room limit are you looking for? Last year on your blog, you put out a note asking people to request where they'd like you to play, and I think the ceiling you put then was 2000 seater venues. Does that feel right to you?

Yeah. I'm going to do that on my next tour, too. I'm going to do a lot of new venues. If anything, that's probably too high a ceiling. I think I'd probably look at around 1000 seaters. I think the venues on this tour got up to around 1500, but no more than that.

It is quite hard to generalise, because I've played venues that are 5-600 seats, but are like large, draughty town halls that have had seats put in them. Whereas some places have 1500-2000 seats, but just by the way they're arranged, they're better.

You were due to release a stand-up DVD at Christmas, but it's not happened. Has it been put back to next year?

Yeah, it's been moved. It was due out this week I think. Sharp-eyed viewers might have noticed it hasn't appeared!

They've moved it to next year, for various, not very interesting reasons. They'd have to release it at this time of year, because comedy is all about that Christmas market. There are a lot of titles this year. It means for me, though, that I get to record another show. I'll probably record a completely different one next summer. Nearly everyone releases a DVD now!

It's quite scary. It all seems to have gone a bit mad.

Last year was the year that it turned into warfare! Even last Christmas, I wasn't really ready to do a DVD, but now people who have barely cracked a gag are doing one. I'm more comfortable waiting, in a way. I reckon by the time I release one next year it should be really strong.

Ten years ago it was primarily Jethro or Roy Chubby Brown...

Yeah. In my day, if you weren't Jethro, you had no business releasing anything!

Eddie Izzard used to do it, but he was the only person. That's why he became so famous, because everyone had access to an Eddie Izzard video. And he pretty much cornered that market, with four or five full length shows out, when almost no one else did.

But then, of course, the DVD market has made it possible for people to bring them out, which is a good thing for comedians in general, but you want to make sure the quality is right. Some of them are coming out, but released a bit hastily.

For you, personally, clearly you're enjoying the tour. But is it still the writing for you that gets you going?

It is really, yeah. Things like the book. It's where I see my priority, really. That was kind of what I was concentrating on, but stand-up turned up quite quickly in the end.

You can't really fill a venue watching a man write a book, on the whole. It's true that I enjoy the touring, but it's important to me to keep that core of writing going. Otherwise stand-up, on its own, is a bit of a precarious thing to hang your life on.

That's why there's a lot of writing on your blog? Where you talk about a lot of things that are quite personal to you?

Yeah. I don't think I'd be interested in doing it otherwise. A lot of them are functionary promotional tools, in the same way people approach Twitter. A pure and simple promotional tool. Which is fine, if you're at a certain level of fame, but it's a mistake to confuse personal communication with commercial.

There's no reason why people should feel that they contact you and can talk one on one, but it's nice to have something. And it fits very well with the whole style of my material.

I'm a bit surprised when people do that kind of chummy thing, being your best mate on stage. But when you look at their website, the tone is 'we've had our fun, now buy my stuff'. That's why I tend to stay and sign things after my shows. I think it's a bit unpleasant when a comedian is massively chummy with the audience, and then when you come out, they've got girls there selling the DVD for them.

Earlier in the year on Twitter, you were charting what looked like a fairly low period. Was that tying into the troubles with getting your book, Eleven, published?

Actually, it wasn't Eleven. I wrote another book, which my then-publishers didn't want, and I didn't get another publisher for it, either. I had quite a long hiatus without a publisher, and I was lumbered with this book that I was really proud of, and still am.

I didn't really know what to do next, so what I decided to do was write another book, which was Eleven. It worked out in the end.

Yet, at the time, it was really bad. It did affect my confidence with everything, as well. As I said, it is the core of what I did, and I had to work very hard on this book. I had a lot of faith in it, but it was a big, serious novel, and wasn't quite what the publisher wanted.

You never know. It'd probably be better commercially to do a book a bit more like my stand-up. I'm glad that period's over now.

If it happened now, I probably wouldn't mention it on Twitter. Mind you, back then I didn't have that many followers. Now, if I put something on Twitter, an alarming number of people might read it. I'd probably be less inclined these days. It'd be an odd feeling, having 40,000 people or so reading something like that.

When you posted some of the messages of frustration that you did, however, you did have a lot of people supporting you in the responses you got.

I did, and to be honest, every time I have used Twitter or a blog to stress vulnerability, there's no doubt that it's an ego boost. Any kind of interaction between you and your audience, your loyal fans, does make you feel a lot better. You do feel, though, that if you do that too often, then you're a bit of an exhibitionist.

The book that you wrote before Eleven, then, that's presumably still not published. Would you put that out yourself? Or are you still looking to sell it?

Well, no, I don't think so. I've got another publisher now, and I'm writing another book for them, which will come out. But I think this unpublished one will probably sit on the shelf for quite a while.

There might come a point where I've got enough of a profile of a writer that I might push again for it to be published. Or it might be that it never appears in this form, or that a lot of the material morphs into something else. That's the most likely future for it. I think the core of that book will appear in another form, but a bit down the line.

I really enjoyed Eleven. What I liked was that I've seen the interlinked narrative strands concept go wrong a lot of times, and it really didn't here. It struck me too that you weren't making it an overtly comedic book. You were taking on a structure that could wrong, and it turned into something very strong. That's deliberately flying against what people would expect from a stand-up?

It was basically, yeah. I thought I could write a novel that sounded like me doing stand-up, basically. And when stand-ups write books, they do tend to use a voice you know. Which is sensible, and it makes a lot of commercial sense. To repackage what you have.

My ambitions as a novelist have been quite separate to being a comedian. And my intention was to turn everything on its head. It's more interesting to do.

It'd be a lot easier, in a way, to say here's a stand-up, now read the book by him, but my desire to write a serious novel does tend to override those considerations, really.

Eleven is a halfway house between a serious novel and stand-up type material. There's something there for people who are looking for a funny book. But the way I wanted it was for people to see it as an entertaining novel by a serious writer. And if they then find out I'm a stand-up, then that's even better!

Mark Watson, thank you very much!

For details of Mark Watson's gig this coming Friday in London, and to find out where else to catch him on tour, check out his website right here.

It's also well worth picking up a copy of Mark's novel, Eleven. Just saying.

Follow Den Of Geek on Twitter right here.

Boardwalk Empire episode 12 review: A Return To Normalcy: season finale

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Boardwalk Empire: A Return To Normalcy

It doesn't quite paper over all of the problems with the series, but the finale of Boardwalk Empire is a tremendous piece of work, reckons Paul...


This review contains spoilers.

12. A Return To Normalcy

One of my least favourite clichés is ‘you either love it or you hate it', because it's rarely ever used correctly. If someone describes something as ‘a real love/hate thing', more often not if you ask them to proffer an opinion on it they'll say "It's OK,' or, "It's not great". So, the opposite of love/hate, then.

What people really mean when they say this is that there are aspects about this ‘thing' that work, and aspects that don't. That they don't say this is because it doesn't compute that something can be both be loved and hated, that it can exist in an equal state of adulation and contempt. But it can, of course.

 

All of which hopefully explains away the somewhat inconsistent tone that these Boardwalk Empire reviews have had over the course of this first season. The things I've loved about the show, I've genuinely loved, and generally they have more than outweighed the stuff that I don't.

However, there have been some really frustratingly shoddy elements to some of the storytelling in this first series. Things that I may have been more forgiving towards on other series that don't boast the insane pedigree that this one does, granted, but still significant enough to affect my overall enjoyment of this first season.

I refer you back to my review of last week's Paris Green, an episode where I found virtually nothing that worked for me, and where I felt that a great deal of the momentum Boardwalk Empire had been building in recent weeks was squandered. I guess a bad episode is always going to seem a lot worse when it's preceded by some excellent ones.

So, consistently with this inconsistency, then, Paris Green is followed up with A Return To Normalcy, the finale of this first season of Boardwalk Empire, and an absolutely awesome piece of television to boot. Last week I said that there's no way the finale would be good enough to ignore the fact that some of this series has been a slog, and I'll stand by that (because I have to), but, my God, do they ever come close.

This wasn't an overtly wham bang action-filled finale to the series (although there was one great action set piece, which I'll come on to), but it didn't need to be. Its best scenes, as is so often the case with this show, were between characters just sat in a room together talking: Jimmy and his wife as he attempts to open up to her about his wartime experiences and in the process save their marriage, the frosty, darkly comic conversation between Van Alden and his long-suffering wife, and in an intensely moving scene that arguably featured the best acting in the entire series, Nucky revealing the fate of his late wife and child to a disbelieving Margaret.

The key scene in this episode came at around the halfway point, where Nucky is sandbagged into a meeting with his antagonist and rival, Arnold Rothstein, by Johnny Torrio. The beleaguered and usually unflappable Rothstein is feeling the heat after being indicted for fixing the World Series, and offers to end the war between New York and Atlantic City that has been raging since the pilot, if Nucky agrees to use his political influence to help him hide out in Chicago.

Without missing a beat, Nucky agrees, on the condition that Rothstein gives him the location of the D'Alessio brothers, Nucky's other irritants this season, and a $1 million tribute. Grudgingly, but with respect, Rothstein agrees, and we then get to see the forces of hell (namely Jimmy, Al, and a particularly badass Richard Harrow) unleashed on the unwitting D'Alessios. In the review of the pilot, I mentioned that the murder montage may have become a bit clichéd, but here it was totally earned, and seeing the series' strongest characters finally clean house provided one of the most purely thrilling moments of the entire series.

This was intercut with Nucky holding a press conference congratulating his brother Eli for revealing the D'Alessios and the unfortunate Hans Schroeder (Margaret's deceased husband) as a gang of bootleggers, citing the successful bust as a reason to re-elect the Republicans on the eve of the election.

It's exhilarating, watching Nucky as the quick-witted criminal mastermind solving all of the disparate, deadly serious problems he has faced all series in one fell swoop. And the reason it doesn't come across as a deus ex machina is because we've seen Nucky's Machievellian skill many times before, most notably in the episode where Nucky almost single-handedly negotiates Harding into the position of Republican presidential nominee.

And it's the election of Warren Harding as President that finishes up this series and gives it its rather pointed title. Harding pledges a "return to normalcy" after the tumultuous events of the progressive era. With Margaret back at his side, the control of Atlantic City secured for another term, and most of his enemies either dead or in exile, on the surface it looks as if Nucky can relax for a while, and, indeed ,return to his ‘normal' existence (as much as being the boss of Atlantic City is normal).

But the events of this season have left Nucky with much bigger problems at hand, as it transpires that his closest allies are now conspiring to take him down. Eli feels betrayed and disrespected by Nucky deposing him of his sheriff duties in the lead up to the election (albeit only temporarily), the Commodore is angry at Nucky's lenience towards the maid who has been attempting to poison him, and Jimmy is still a little perturbed by the revelation that Nucky may have pimped out his 13-year-old mother. The three men are seen discussing the future of Atlantic City in the ominous closing montage.

It's a hell of a setup for the next season, and it brings me to my only real criticism of the episode. It's so good, that I feel it could have been spread out a little more evenly across the series. There have been a few episodes which have hinged a lot of entertaining, but ultimately disposable filler around a couple of very good scenes, whereas this episode is great bit after great bit.

I think that the series as a whole should have been a lot shorter, eight episodes, maybe, as it really did get a bit flabby in the middle. As I've said before, this season has been about people who are on the journey to embodying and defining the modern definition of ‘gangsters', rather than just a traditional gangster story.

After A Return To Normalcy, the transition is pretty much complete, and the speed and gusto with which the show moves towards the next season only seems to confirm that the events of this season have effectively been an extended prologue for the real meat of the series.

It's been enjoyable, but the luxury of knowing that Boardwalk Empire is going to be on HBO for at least another series may have been of a slight detriment to its pacing, and ultimately, its overall quality.

But this doesn't take away from A Return To Normalcy being a totally triumphant season finale. There were so many awesome little moments and payoffs:Al cheerfully tossing the apple into the air after killing a D'Alessio, the shot of a masked Nucky preparing for the Halloween ball reflected between three mirrors, Al scolding Luciano: "Stop with your stupid jokes!", the unrepentant maid claiming through gritted teeth she would have killed the Commodore with a shotgun if she didn't know she would have to clear it up herself, Chalky lording it up at the election party with his girlfriend, and the reveal that rotund comic relief Baxter is stepping out with money-grabbing hussy Annabelle.

So, how does the season fare up now that we've reached the end? Undoubtedly a victim of unrealistically high expectations caused by the billing as a show from the creators of The Sopranos and Goodfellas, as well as the added pressure of almost instantly becoming HBO's flagship show as it struggles to compete with the high flying FX and AMC, Boardwalk Empire is a flawed, but often brilliant series that you absolutely owe yourself to watch if you're into television drama in any way.

Messy, gorgeous, slow, riveting, laboured and thrilling, often all at once, you will occasionally be frustrated, if you're anything like me. But once it's all over you won't be able to wait for the next series. Or at the very least, you'll be crossing your fingers for that Chalky and Richard spin-off, The Adventures of Scarface and Tinface. Because that really would be better than The Sopranos.

Read our review of episode 11, Paris Green, here.

See all the Boardwalk Empire reviews here.

Boardwalk Empire Season 1 will air on the new Sky Atlantic channel in the New Year.

Follow Paul Martinovic on Twitter @paulmartinovic.

Follow Den Of Geek on Twitter right here.

LA Noire crime screens emerge

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L.A. Noire

Our local stool pigeon dug up some new shots of Rockstar’s upcoming detective thriller, LA Noire, and we have them for you here…

It's not due out until next spring, but already Rockstar's L.A. Noire is generating a buzz, and a few new screenshots of the 1940s era detective drama have been released onto the Internet.

Set in 1947, L.A. Noire will feature an open-ended story and accurate recreation of Los Angeles, and players will be tasked with solving a series of murders, whilst climbing the promotional ladder of the LAPD as protagonist Cole Phelps.

Although we're not entirely sure of the actual gameplay, and whether it will borrow elements from Rockstar's other uber series, GTA, the game is looking promising, and the earlier trailer (see below) demonstrated some of the most impressive facial animations we've seen this side of Mass Effect.

The new screens reveal some of the actual detective elements of the game, including forensic examinations, cordoned off crime scenes and suspect line-ups, as well as a moody shot of Phelps toting a hand cannon. Well, it's a dangerous job, after all.

Specific details may be thin on the ground, but we're still fired up about L.A. Noire. Taking on the role of the law will certainly make a change from Rockstar's usual criminal focus, and the film noir 1940s setting should make for an interesting adventure.

For now, though, check out the trailer if you've missed it, and click on the thumbnails below to enlarge them.

Follow Den Of Geek on Twitter right here.

Director Neill Blomkamp pitches next film, Elysium

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Sharlto Copley and Neill Blomkamp

District 9 director is said to be about to re-team with Sharlto Copley for his next movie, Elysium…

District 9 may have been one of the most warmly received movies of last year, even earning a nomination for Best Picture at the Oscars, but Neill Blomkamp hasn't rushed into another project in the wake of his debut's success.

Now, however, Blomkamp has revealed that he's teaming up with District 9 star Sharlto Copley to create another intelligently wrought, topical sci-fi movie, called Elysium. Early reports suggest the film will be set on Earth at some point in the future, but at this early stage, there's little else to go on.

The director is still searching for Elysium's lead, we're told, so just how prominent a role Copley will have isn't yet clear, either.

Whatever Elysium is, we'll be waiting in line to watch it. District 9 was a stunning debut, and a rare example of a special effects-laden action movie with some clever, original ideas lurking beneath its surface gloss.

Our one remaining question is, just how does Elysium tie in with the weird teaser clip we saw a few weeks ago? Is the porcine corpse featured in it part of this film, another project Blomkamp hopes to tackle in the future, or a mere random Easter egg for the iPad edition of Wired?

Inside Movies

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Stargate Universe season 2 episode 10 review: Resurgence

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Stargate Universe: Resurgence

Stargate Universe heads into its mid-season break with Resurgence, a strong episode, with one or two issues...


This review contains spoilers.

2.10 Resurgence

From the opening, it seems like this episode will deal with some themes and plots set out in the past nine episodes, rather than abandon them for the second half of the season, which is almost what I expected to happen. It's time for the mid-season finale, and it seems like a detour is on the cards.

Mr Brody finds a signal while working on the bridge, and it points to signs of intelligent life, but it's a detour from the course that Destiny was intended to take. A plan is made to steer the ship in that direction, and when they arrive, all they find is a whole lot of destroyed battleships. When they decide to investigate one of the ships, something unexpected happens and it catches everyone off guard, but it leads to an interesting domino effect that can only be described as bloody awesome.

Meanwhile, Chloe's infection is spreading, and she is losing control over it and succumbs to the inevitable, that some day soon she will become too dangerous to stay on board. Yet again, not a lot of time is spent on this storyline, but it becomes ever more apparent that Chloe may be the first main character to bite the bullet, although I hope that prediction is wrong.

As well as this, resident pseudo-psychiatrist Camile Wray talks to Eli about the lives lost in recent weeks, both Sgt Riley and Ginn. This is exactly what some people in the comments have been wanting (including myself) and it's just a little confusing that this didn't happen a week or two ago when the situation was still raw. However, it's great that they've returned to it finally, given that it was such a massive event for Eli's character.

A few more elements come into play in this episode, including an interesting (if short) chat between Varro and Tamara, which may answer a question which has caused a wee bit of debate since early in season two. What's great about this episode is that the varied stories and large number of cast all get a good look in throughout the 40 minutes.

The background cast, especially, get a good chunk of airtime, with Brody and Volker basically becoming Destiny's Sulu and Chekov. The bridge has now become a huge focal point of Stargate Universe, and a lot of the action takes place on that particular set, which has two interesting plot changers. The Stargate has taken a back seat, and Destiny becomes more of a battleship than it had previously been.

On one hand, it gives us something seen rarely in the previous two Stargate series, and that is battles, which not only look brilliant, but also completely fit the show's style. On the other hand, it pulls away from the main element that has had Stargate fans watching since day one: going to strange new worlds and dealing with whatever they find there. I can only hope that it is just a sidestep on the road to SGU's ultimate goal, and that the Stargate will come back into focus in the second half of season two.

However, without the ‘Astria Porta' in play, the episode is still a resounding success, as the whole thing builds up to a satisfying cliffhanger, while both answering some questions you may have had during season two and closing off plotlines. It's exactly what you want from a mid-season finale, giving answers that needed to be given while also creating a satisfying cliffhanger to keep you guessing until the show's return in early 2011.

That being said, there have been a few better episodes this season. So, while it is going out with a bang, it isn't the biggest the show has had, not to mention that even while it has more lives hanging in the balance, it still isn't as impressive as the mid-season finale from season one, which gave us the final shot of Dr Rush stranded on an alien planet. However, the final shot is a doozy and probably the finest accomplishment of the effects team yet.

There are a good few questions waiting to be answered when the show returns, and I, for one, cannot wait to see the second part of this interesting cliffhanger, and what it all means for the show's overall plot. While season two, so far, has been a little rocky, I'd say it's fairly safe to assume that the back half of the season will make up for that.

Read our review of episode 9, Visitation, here.

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The Apprentice episode 10 review

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The Apprentice

How difficult is it to organise a tour around London? With Stuart involved? Very hard, if the new episode of The Apprentice is anything to go by...


I took a week off from reviewing The Apprentice last week, handing the reigns over to the far nicer and happier Mark Oakley. Having caught up on last week’s instalment, I went to the shop beforehand this time around, and found a really quite shitty looking bottle of white for £4.49. “Every little helps”, as the shop concerned sagely pointed out.

So then. As I settled down, I thought that this week, surely, was the episode where Stuart would go? That moment has to be coming?

Things got going with a trip to Wandsworth Bus Garage, nice and early in the morning. There, Baron von Sugar presented the week’s task, which was a little bit different for the UK show. Namely: run an open-top London tour. This has been done in the US version of the show before, but I don’t remember it happening in the UK before. The wine dulls my memory though, as regular readers know only too well.

The teams were duly mixed, and I had a little bet with myself that the first “why do you review this” comment would appear seven minutes after this article went live. And we were away.

Stella, then, suggesting a Cockney tour, that Stuart didn’t like. But they went with it anyway, with Stuart making it very clear that his hand would be on the knife to stab into Stella’s back. On the other team? A ghost tour, which if they’re doing in daytime, might not work all too well. Just saying.

The Cockney tour involved bad food, and insulting the locals, which didn’t go down well. The ghost tour, meanwhile, was lacking ghosts, and Joanna noted that the tour was leaving big gaps. Jamie was doing the tour, and the editing was suggesting that this was a disaster waiting to happen.

The other team wasn’t going well, either. The Cockney tour seemed to specialise in building sites and shitholes. Already, I was finding this the most interesting episode in weeks. Jamie and Joanna were causing Nick to pull faces with their continual arguments, and tensions were all over the place. And then we find out that the cockney tour was set to cost around £35-40. “That’s an ambitious price”, said the tour company. “That’s a bloody rip off”, I figured, working out just how many £4.49s could fit into that.

The ghost tour was selling at a cheaper £25, with both bus and walking elements involved. But then Chris managed to potentially screw that enormously by promising 20% of all ticket sales to a tour company. If his team loses, he needn’t bother taking his coat off. If they win? He'll be hailed a genius.

“Have a taste of my eels”, urged Stuart to passers-by, meanwhile, as he pretty much decided to knock over half off the asking price.

We then cut to Jamie and Stella rehearsing their tours, and it was a real battle to work out which was worse. To be fair, it’s a hard task, this, but the editing didn’t seem keen to put that across. Anyroad, it was on with the crap uniforms, and down to work. Not before Joanna tried to wriggle out of the deal, which she kept to. That may yet cost her.

Jamie’s ghost tour first, then. In broad daylight, as feared, he put on an unscary voice, gave out false facts about the River Thames, and seemed to forget to talk about ghosts. A minor flaw. The Cockney tour was a bit more conventional, but no shot of any passengers seemed to indicate any particular interest in what Stella was banging on about.

More interesting was watching Stuart’s quite terrible sales tactics, which had evolved to basically doorstep the tour company that turned his deal down before. That didn’t go well.

The walking ghost tour through London was apparently increasingly irrelevant, but at least people were moving. We then cut to a shot of the Cockney tour snared up in traffic. Get back to Stuart, I hoped. I got my wish. I swigged more wine. This was going to be good.

Stuart vs Trafalgar Square, then, which involved him targeting the other team’s customers directly. Joanna was getting wound up. Lots of people said "fuck" on BBC One. Stuart invited someone to hit him. I suspected several volunteers weren’t a million miles away. Stella, meanwhile, was getting lost, and in any other week, that’d be good telly. But we knew the action was elsewhere. And Stuart wasn’t, when it came to the crunch, selling any tickets. And he was project manager, too. It had a feeling for a lot of it of a long goodbye.

My thought, though, was that he may yet survive another week, courtesy of Chris’ 20% deal. He's had a get out of jail escape before, and his only hope here was another exit emerging. His team, to be fair, was something of a shambles, with the Cockney tour looking really quite terrible. Jamie’s ghost tour seemed to be improving, meanwhile, while Stella started pointing out crap graffiti, and asking her punters if it was done by Banksy. Crikey.

Jamie, meanwhile, was happily grossing his tour out, and he got them singing too. Stella entertained precisely one man from what I could tell. He got his money's worth at least.

This, friends, was one of the best Apprentice episodes ever.

It was getting better, too. The final ghost tour was empty, having being scheduled too early. The last Cockney tour, meanwhile, was set to start an hour later, and tickets were being sold. And then, with 25 minutes to go, we cut to the results. Gah. It’s a task I could have watched for a lot longer, all said.

But it was back to Baron von Sugar. He, predictably, wasn’t impressed with Chris’ deal, nor with Joanna going back to try and change the deal. He then turned his attention to Stella, and for a while, he actually looked in a decent mood.

So who won? Joanna’s team. Even with the 20%. Stuart and Stella were in the spotlight, then, and it was hard to call which was in the most shit.

Predictably, just as the tension was mounting, they flew the winners off to Jersey for some crap or other. It’s the closest the BBC gets to a commercial break as far as I’m concerned.

The boardroom battle is, I'm finding, of decreasing interest, dragging on far too long. But I did get more interested when Nick suggested sacking two people. That might be fun.

Stuart, then, managed to start patronising the Baron, and offering to run a new company for him. "I've got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this", Stuart said, as I think I quite literally shat myself laughing. The Baron was in a kind mood, however, pointing out Stuart's age, allowing everyone else to lose their fits of giggles. That looked like the hardest part of the task right there.

Sadly, the others were allowed a chance to talk, while the rest of us were planning watching You're Fired for the Stuart interview. How could it end any other way? Fortunately, we got some more Stuart jibber-jabber before the decision came down. "Betting on me will be a punt", said Stuart. I took an extra gulp.

"You give me a dilemma", said The Baron, trying to string this out. The only way Stuart could be saved by this stage, surely, was for the ratings. But television is a brutal business, and Liz got the bullet, instead of Stuart. Ratings beat common sense.

Liz. Instead of Stuart. Just thought I'd write that down in case you missed it. Suddenly, my wine bottle looked far too empty. And as one Tweeter rightly pointed out, "It's decisions like this that put Lord Sugar where he is today. Head of Amstrad". Agreed, @MrJayLucas.

Never let it be said that the Baron is actually looking for someone to work for his company. He's got an entertainment programme to sell, and he's damn sure he's going to sell it.

Still, at least we've got the interviews next week, with the return of Margaret. That should get over the feeling that this episode of The Apprentice went from being one of the best, to the biggest cheat, in just under a minute.

Read our review of the ninth episode, here.

Follow Den Of Geek on Twitter right here.

The Warrior's Way review

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The Warrior's Way

"Ninjas. Damn." The line that got Mark sold on The Warrior's Way. So what's the movie itself like? Here's his review...

In the abundance of trailers jostling for position each time you visit the multiplex, somewhere between car adverts and that bloody Orange ad for Gulliver's Travels that I'm starting to worry will just go on forever, someone occasionally makes you sit up and pay attention.

And if you've seen the trailer for The Warrior's Way, it's just one line of dialogue from alcoholic gunslinger Geoffrey Rush. "Ninjas. Damn."

Cowboys are cool. Ninjas more so. It's this kind of combination of Western elements with cool stuff that's expected to serve Jon Favreau's Cowboys & Aliens well next summer, but in the meantime, we have another attempt to mash up Hong Kong martial arts cinema with Western B-movie in just the kind of post-colonial misstep that Hollywood seems to make over and over again these days.

In the last year or two, we've seen two of these wrong-footed action flicks that tried and failed to capture the essence of the wilder eastern equivalent. Last year, Blood: The Last Vampire mashed up horror and martial arts, but forgot to bring in much plot or logic. And earlier this year, Ninja Assassin was the least fun it's possible to have with a police procedural thriller called Ninja Assassin.

What we get in The Warrior's Way is a little better, perhaps for the work of Sngmoo Lee, who writes and directs the film and isn't American. His story follows Yang, a Sad Flute swordsman who kills "The Greatest Swordsman In The History Of Mankind Ever" early on, and by the rule of Top Trumps or something, gains that title himself.

The film put a daft grin on my face with the Scott Pilgrim-esque on-screen graphics that illustrate this changeover, but it doesn't maintain this sense of humour. It's more concerned with Yang taking mercy on the last survivor of an enemy clan, a baby girl. Having slaughtered her family and her people, Yang decides to save her and take her with him to the New World.

Hiding out in a rundown circus set up in a frontier town, Yang befriends Lynne, a skilled knife thrower who has vowed revenge on the disfigured Colonel who killed her family in front of her. The Colonel and his ravening comrades aim to bring war to the circus once again, while the Sad Flute clan aren't exactly pleased with their brightest member's desertion.

What's weird is that Lee handles the Western element of the story better than the martial arts element, as if influenced by Sergio Leone in the former aspect and by Undefeatable in the latter.

We've seen this type of crossover before, and while some may be naïve enough to think it's Hard Boiled meets High Noon, it's really closer to a Neveldine/Taylor rendition of Shanghai Noon.

Yang very willingly takes on the American way, as is the fashion of these films. In the virtuous Lynne, you get a willing pupil who absorbs the cool-looking stuff from Yang's teachings, but is more often seen ingratiating Yang into his job at the local launderette. Kate Bosworth plays Lynne like a sexed up and vengeful version of Jessie from Toy Story, and Dong-gun Jang comes across as blank as Keanu Reeves whenever he's not jumping in the air and slicing something into bits.

Animated blood and wonky CGI are here, along with many other fixtures from Blood: The Last Vampire and Ninja Assassin. Somehow, though, the idea of martial arts and Western together appeals more than putting martial arts into vampire films or police dramas.

I actually quite like Shanghai Noon, not only because of my great appreciation of Jackie Chan in anything and everything, but because it's clearly one of his better English language buddy movie efforts. The Warrior's Way is doing the same thing, but keeping a straight face about it.

The permanent straight face is what makes some parts unintentionally hilarious. Casting Tony Cox as a midget with a figure 8 painted on his head isn't the way to make an audience take your film seriously, but the absolute trough, by a long shot, is Danny Huston. Huston plays the Colonel like Vernon Wells from Commando would have played Jack Torrance in The Shining. It's embarrassingly bad, and a low point for Huston.

There's also little threat from those much mooted ninjas coming to town. Here's a clue as to why: Yang defeats "The Greatest Swordsman In The History Of Mankind Ever" in the first five minutes. We're repeatedly told, by no less than the master who's going to fight his student, that Yang was trained to be the strongest there is. Is there really any jeopardy for Yang, or his young charge?

The highlight is Geoffrey Rush, who refuses to phone it in as old soak Ron, tackling head-on the tired idea of the once violent man now forced to resume violence for the greater good. The saddest thing of all is that a certain line doesn't appear in the finished film. The best line in the whole film isn't even in the film.

It takes its sweet time getting to the action-packed conclusion, and even once we get there, its master-student confrontation and copious flashbacks are over-familiar from, you guessed it, Blood: The Last Vampire and/or Ninja Assassin.

Think of another Western show that takes transgeneric elements from the east, Joss Whedon's Firefly. Of the series' Hong Kong sensibilities, Whedon said, "There is a convention in Hollywood to fall back upon clichés - or on time-honoured structure... and in these films, where you thought you were going to be terrified, the broadest comedy might appear.

"Wherever you thought this guy has been defeated, he might come back and kill everyone in the room, and then suddenly be defeated. You just never knew." Hollywood's failure to extrapolate the best parts of martial arts cinema thus far has clearly been down to the lack of surprise in films like these.

The Warrior's Way might err to close to the Hollywood Way, but it has enough gumption that it's at least a step in the right direction. I don't believe American cinema chimes with martial arts the way studios seem to want it to, but this is an enjoyable enough film on its merits as a Western. It's a damn sight better than the ludicrously inept Jonah Hex, but not good enough to deny that my rating is a generous one.

3 stars

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Kevin Smith releases new poster for Red State

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Red State

The new character poster for Kevin Smith’s new horror movie Red State arrives. And it’s raised a fair bit of cash for charity, too.

You have to give it to Kevin Smith. As he begins to push his upcoming horror movie, Red State, he's increasingly looking at unconventional ways to promote the film, and make some money for charity in the process.

Yesterday, Smith opened the bidding to websites to host the world exclusive release of the new poster to the film, and the winning bidder, GiantFireBreathingRobot.com, stumped up $2000 for www.HaveFaithHaiti.org. Kevin Smith then matched the donation, and $4000 is heading its way to a good cause.

Well, $4050, actually. Our coffers are nowhere near as deep, but it seemed right to donate a bit of cash ourselves, seeing as we're bringing you the poster here. It's the first of a collection of character posters for the movie that are coming up over the next few months.

Do give GiantFireBreathingRobot.com a click here, and donate a bit of cash if you can, too.

In the meantime, we'll keep you posted as we get more news on the film.

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First poster for Transformers 3 revealed

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Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

With the trailer set to arrive any day, catch a look at the first poster for Transformers: Dark Of The Moon right here…

As Michael Bay continues to meld computers to his whim for the upcoming Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, this is set to be the week where the promotional push for the film begins.

Firstly, we're expecting the trailer in the next couple of days, given that it's rumoured to be attached to screenings of Voyage Of The Dawn Treader in the US (don't hold us to that, though). That means it should be online either later this week or early next.

And then there's the maiden poster for the film, which has appeared at Joblo. There was a little debate at first as to whether this was legitimate or not, but it turns out it is an official promo piece for the film.

We'll be back with the trailer as soon as we have it.

Joblo

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New trailer: I Am Number Four

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I Am Number Four

Fancy getting 2011 underway with a cross between action, sci-fi and American high school movie? Meet the latest trailer for I Am Number Four…

An early 20011 science fiction that's vying for your attention, I Am Number Four comes from director D J Caruso (Disturbia, Eagle Eye), and stars Alex Pettyfer as an alien hiding in an American high school.

Produced by Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg (amongst others), the film also stars Timothy Olyphant (who stepped in when Sharlto Copley had to drop out), and a brand new trailer for it has been released.

This time, it digs more into the background of the story, and seems to up the action ante a little. It also makes the film look like a bit of a science fiction Final Destination movie. Or is that just us?

The film looks a bit derivative, but it might just be fun. And it's arriving in the UK on the 18th of February. Here's that trailer.

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Tron: Legacy: An interview with producer Justin Springer

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Tron: Legacy producer Justin Springer

In our latest interview ahead of the release of Tron: Legacy, we caught up with its producer Justin Springer to talk about special effects, 3D and Easter eggs...

It’s late September, and we’re at the home of digital effects studio Digital Domain in LA. We’ve been shown 20 minutes of Tron: Legacy, the long-awaited follow-up to the 1982 Disney classic. And as we’re bombarded with stunning visuals and the booming Daft Punk soundtrack, a render farm elsewhere in the building is busily baking the final few effects shots for the completed movie.

When we got a chance to sit down for an interview with producer Justin Springer, the movie’s special effects were therefore at the front of our minds...

We’re huge fans of Tron at Den Of Geek, and we’re now fans of Legacy, from what we’ve seen today.

You liked what you saw? That’s great. We’ve still got a lot to do, so...



How much is there left to do? Can you give us a rough idea?


There’s a lot. What you saw today was only in 2D, and not even finished. But it’s kind of moving the whole movie forward at once, you know, so it’s not like we have to finish those 20 minutes, and then we’ll move on to the next 20. There’s a lot of stuff that’s at varying stages of completion, which all has to be finished for late November.

So there’s still a ton to do, and a lot of the stuff comes in at the end, as you complete it all shot by shot. In the last month, a third of the movie will be finished. We’ve been working on the post-production for 18 months. Then it becomes your traditional post-production stuff for the film, finishing off the score which Daft Punk have just written in London, and then it’s about doing the sound design and mixing at Skywalker. So we’re spending the next couple of months making sure it’s all the way there.

And once all of it’s done, and all the visuals are finished, then it takes a little bit of time to convert everything to 3D. The reason you have to see so much of it in 2D is because we need to finish the process to give you the other eye. We don’t do that until we have the finished shots. To do these 20 minutes in 3D for the press would have taken a lot of time and money to do.

How hard was it to bring all these different production elements - from the designs, practical and CG effects to the music - and get them all together on time?

It’s a tribute to Joe Kosinski, the director. He had ideas about what the new world of Tron would look like, and pitched an idea that looked very similar to what we have today. To have a guy like that, who has a specific vision and can articulate it, that’s why he’s created such a  consistent look with the vehicles, costumes and also the music. I have to give him the credit for that.

I helped with the management of it, but the director’s always in charge of the ship. He put together an amazing team of people.



While Tron: Legacy has been described as a stand-alone sequel, would you still recommend that people watch the original Tron first to get a better idea of its backstory?

We’re so accustomed to seeing movies with amazing visual effects now, that we just expect it. The amazing technical achievements of the original Tron in 1982 would be lost on most audiences in 2010, I think. Most people would probably think it doesn’t look that cool, really, and wonder why it looks that way.

If you first watch Tron: Legacy, and see the amazing, cutting-edge effects, and then go back to see where it originated from, back to its roots, and see this overarching idea, in the first Tron from 1982, you might respect it more.

I think if the average ten-year-old saw Tron today, I think it’d still get to them on a story level, but I don’t know that watching them in chronological order would make sense. Not with videogames and cutting-edge movies - it’s like comparing apples to oranges, in a way. I think watching Tron after Tron: Legacy would better inform the movie.



Why were those shots we saw today specifically chosen? Were they a good illustration of the film, without giving too much of the plot away?


It was a lot of things. One, it was what we had finished, close enough to the point where we were comfortable with showing them. It’s not still blue screen backgrounds or greyscale animation or whatever.

It’s also about trying to find a cross-section of the film that shows all the points we wanted to hit. There is a lot of action in this movie, stuff you’ve never seen before. It’s massive in scope, it’s a big world. But also there’s character, story and emotion, which hopefully you saw in the safehouse scenes with Jeff Bridges and Garrett Hedlund. We wanted people to see that what we’re aiming for here is more than just an effects-laden action movie. It’s a visual spectacle, but we also have character and story, and it’s rich with emotion.

On the original Tron there were a few production difficulties - quite old-school ones, that you wouldn’t expect now, like cells getting stuck together and stuff like that. Has there been anything of a digital equivalent on Legacy, so far, or has it been quite smooth sailing?

I’m trying to think if there are any specific examples, but there are difficulties, because we’re trying to push the envelope, by 2010 standards. So no matter how much new technology you have, when you’re really trying to push it, then it’s going to be difficult, you’re going to have problems. You’re going to sit down at a table and say, “We need a solution to this. Digital Domain needs to write new software to solve this problem.” That’s happened a number of times in the process.

If we were trying to remake Tron, as they did it in 1982, it wouldn’t take all that much - technology’s evolved 30 years. We’re trying to push what’s possible in 2010, and so all the time we have issues we have to deal with. There are 200 or more talented people sitting around writing new algorithms for us.


Was it always conceived as a 3D film from the very earliest stages?

Pretty early. Long before production. In the visualisation phase, we thought it would be interesting to use 3D technology to shoot, because we wanted to transport viewers to this world, and create this immersive experience. We shot on the Sony F35, which at the time hadn’t been used in movies, only commercials. We used Vince Pace, who partnered with James Cameron to create the 3D system for Avatar, and created a 3D system for our production team.

Has the story been left so there’s room for a sequel? Is that something that’s been discussed?


From a storytelling perspective it was like, we get one shot at this, let’s put it all in the movie. That being said, because we took the ‘82 movie as historical fact, and wrote this mythology for the intervening years, there’s a really tight, emotional story in that world, but hopefully you get a sense that there’s stuff happening outside it.

Hopefully we’ve created a pretty large mythology, and that there are more stories to be told. Many of those stories will be told in months and years in other media, like the videogame, and Disney Publishing is doing a graphic novel. There’s talks for a TV animation series.

So there’s all this stuff going on, a rich sandbox where many stories could be told. But as for another movie, franchises are dictated by audiences. If people are excited by Tron: Legacy, then maybe we’ll have that conversation.



The original Tron had some great little Easter eggs in there. Pac-Man made a brief appearance in one shot...


And Mickey Mouse...

...yeah, behind the Solar Sailer. Has anything like that been worked into this one?


Yeah, definitely. There are a lot. Many that we know about, because we like that too - and the writers of Lost are famous for it, so they’ve put their own in - and we’ve got huge Tron fans working on this film, working on the details, so I’ve no idea what will pop up in the movie from the animators. “I think I’ll pop this in!” Which I think is how it happened in the original Tron a lot. There’s a lot of stuff in there, if you’re a fan of the original film. If you watch the trailer, there’s lots of little hints to locations and little details from the first film - and there’ll be many more in the movie itself.

Justin Springer, thank you very much.

Interviews at Den Of Geek

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Tron: Legacy: An interview with producer Justin Springer

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Tron: Legacy producer Justin Springer

In our latest interview ahead of the release of Tron: Legacy, we caught up with its producer Justin Springer to talk about special effects, 3D and Easter eggs...

New poster arrives for Cowboys & Aliens

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Iron Man director Jon Favreau's forthcoming stetson sci-fi movie Cowboys & Aliens gets a moody new poster, which you can gaze upon within...

Quick, get behind the sofa - it’s Freddy Krueger! Oh, sorry, false alarm. It’s the new poster for Cowboys & Aliens, and it’s a particularly moody specimen. Daniel Craig looks mean in his hat (or we think he looks mean - he could be sticking his tongue out or winking, but it’s too dark to be sure), and he’s got a glowing, scientific device on his arm. His six shooter’s cocked and ready to fire, while something like fog, mist, or perhaps smoke hangs ominously in the background.

As anyone who saw the rather fabulous first trailer will know, Cowboys & Aliens looks like a fantastically fun mash-up of sci-fi and cowboy movie, with Harrison Ford turning in a suitably gruff, grumpy performance as a no-nonsense colonel, and Daniel Craig starring as a tough cowboy who defends his town from extra-terrestrial invaders. And it’s got Olivia Wilde in it, who’s great in Tron: Legacy. And it’s directed by Jon Favreau, whose films Elf and Iron Man was also great.

Cowboys & Aliens is out next July in the UK and US.

Empire

Looking back at A Bay Of Blood

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A Bay Of Blood

Ryan looks back at Mario Bava’s gore classic, A Bay Of Blood, a film that provides the link between Italian pulp literature and American slasher movies...

In their native Italy, they're known affectionately as giallo. Cheap, paperback novels so named because of their lurid yellow covers, their pages were filled with mystery and murder. While the genre had existed in the pages of pulp fiction since the 30s, it was director Mario Bava who brought the sensationalist themes of giallo to the big screen with The Girl Who Knew Too Much (La Ragazza Che Sapeva Troppo) in 1962.

It was Bava, with his operatic direction filled with dramatic shadows and often drenched in colour, who established many of the trappings that would become familiar in giallo cinema. His heavily stylised camera work, expressive use of lighting and, above all, imaginatively brutal murders would have a profound, lasting impact on filmmaking, influencing such directors as Lucio Fulci and Dario Argento, who would go on to direct many classic gialli of their own.

Of all Bava's gory epics, it was perhaps A Bay Of Blood (La Baie Sangliante) that would have the greatest impact on international cinema. Variously known elsewhere as Twitch Of The Death Nerve, or simply Carnage, A Bay Of Blood provides a clear bridge between the giallo murder mystery films of 60s and 70s Italian cinema, and the slasher movie genre that would hit US cinemas like an express train a few years after.

Inarguably the most graphically violent of any of Bava's films, A Bay Of Blood's plot is torn straight from the pages of pulp mystery. In its opening scenes, an aged, wheelchair bound millionairess is brutally murdered by an unseen assailant who, in a nod to Hitchcock, remains immersed in shadow.

But then, just when we think we're in familiar whodunnit territory, Bava confounds expectations in bravura style, first removing the killer's anonymity, and then having him abruptly slain in a drizzle of lipstick-red gore.

It's an opening scene that sets the tone for what is to follow, and Bava directs A Bay Of Blood with an expert surety and a macabre, midnight-black sense of humour.

A Bay Of Blood introduces each of its characters in turn, and every one is uniquely despicable. Among them there's conniving real estate agent, Frank (Chris Avram), monosyllabic fisherman Simon (Claudio Volonté), entomologist Paolo (Leopoldo Trieste) and his scolding, fortune telling wife, Anna (Laura Betti, who spends much of the film fluttering around in a shawl like Kate Bush).

Almost every character has some claim to the titular bay, and are prepared to commit murder in an attempt to inherit the late millionairess' land.

What follows is an occasionally jaw dropping procession of killing after killing, each more imaginative than the last. Even after some 40 years of slasher movies and increasingly obscene violence, the gleeful imagination of Bava's death scenes still hasn't lost its edge.

There's a stunning machete in the face, more than one impalement by spear, some throttlings (one of which is surprisingly harsh) and a beheading by axe. In every instance, there's a definite impression, as the camera revels in every strike of a blade or fountain of blood, that Bava is treating these scenes as a kind of visceral fireworks display, and in each instance there's a distant air of mischief and grim comedy.

Early on, four unbearably smug teenagers show up in an open top car. They have no relevance to the film's plot, and appear only for Bava to chop them up in a series of elaborate set pieces, which he does, of course. And when the murders are over, Bava cuts back to the open top car beside the bay, its chrome fender bent into a sardonic, rictus grin.

It's this section of the film, with its horny teenagers and bloody murders, that undoubtedly influenced Sean S. Cunningham's Friday The 13th, and it's highly likely the young director would have seen A Bay Of Blood in one of its grindhouse or drive-in showings in the 70s. Quite apart from sharing the same premise (teenagers slaughtered next to a stretch of water), two killings in Friday The 13th Part 2 are almost identical to those in Bava's classic.

In fairness, the influence of A Bay Of Blood can be seen in numerous US slasher movies of the late 70s and 80s, from the prowling camera work of Halloween, which appears to have its genesis in Bava's sometimes stunning cinematography, to its graphic scenes of creative violence, which have echoed down the years in films such as The Burning, Scream, and I Know What You Did Last Summer.

What many of those lesser imitators lacked, however, was Bava's flair for black comedy and, in most cases, his unfailing eye for startling images. The latter is illustrated in the unforgettable sequence of an octopus slithering across the face of a corpse, while the former can be seen most obviously in A Bay Of Blood's shocking and genuinely funny climax, which could be regarded as one of the most glorious rug pulls in cinema, or a wry comment on the corrupting nature of violence. However you react to that final sequence, it's unlikely to be forgotten in a hurry.

A Bay Of Blood was a pivotal movie in screen horror, perhaps as important, in its own way, as Hitchcock's highly regarded Psycho. Bava's film marked the moment where giallo cinema tipped over into slasher horror, with A Bay Of Blood's murder mystery plotline taking a back seat to another, equally entertaining diversion: who was going to die next, and how gruesome would that death be?

The influence of Bava's movie on US filmmakers is undeniable, and its status as one of Italian cinema's horror classics is assured. Almost four decades on, A Bay Of Blood remains a hilarious, messy masterpiece.

A Bay Of Blood will be released on DVD and Blu-ray on December 13, and can be pre-ordered from the Den Of Geek Store.

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9 obligations in my tenancy agreement Jason Statham would be unable to agree to

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Statham's tenancy

In this week's Confused Views, Matt ponders the legal stipulations in his new tenancy agreement. He also wonders, what would Jason Statham make of all this?


I am ambitious. Writing these silly columns about film and making jokes about the variety of bowel movements exhibited in the animal kingdom is fine for now. But it's only a step in what I'm working towards.

I'm a man of intellect, knowledge and wit, and I only intend to dedicate these qualities to the trivial topic of cinema for so long. I'm already brainstorming titles for when I finally get a positive response to one of my pitches from Den of Legal Documents. I'm thinking my column would be 'Tampering, with Evidence' (which I would write under the pseudonym 'Evidence'), or possibly 'Approach the Bench' (with a banner featuring a sketch of a bench covered in severed human appendages, just because).

The shame of it is that fans of humour that skews legal documentation are missing out. Still, there's no reason you should be deprived.

Before we start this list it's important that I clarify some of the terminology used in this article.  By 'Jason Statham', I mean Frank 'The Transporter' Martin and Chev 'Fuck You' Chelios, not the actual person (who I imagine probably is just the sum of those two characters). Also, by 'cesspit full of human body parts and faeces', I mean a cesspit full of human body parts and faeces.

I had to renew the tenancy for my flat recently (such is the glamorous lifestyle of a DoG columnist), which involved signing a new tenancy agreement and reading a list of my obligations towards the property. As an experience, I would liken it to having my face punched for an hour and a half by a professional boxer wearing gloves made of tedium.

These are the obligations that Jason Statham would sooner murder than agree to:

1. Where the premises are served by a septic tank or cesspit, to be responsible for the reasonable costs of emptying or clearing such facilities, as required, during the tenancy.

Jason Statham lives on a diet of violence, adrenaline and steak. The idea of what he flushes down the toilet is enough to make anyone who isn't Jason Statham cry. Then considering it all collected into a pit or tank and left to stew there? That's worse. No one should have to agree to clear that out.

Statham would quite rightly refuse to put anyone through such an ordeal (much less be responsible for the reasonable costs), then punch every estate agent he could find in the face before taking off his shirt and driving away into the night. Then he'd drive around with no shirt on, at night, completely shirtless.

The other problem with Jason Statham's septic tank is that, most likely, that's where the bodies are kept. Statistically, it's highly improbable that Jason Statham has ever had a night's sleep that went uninterrupted by an assassination attempt.

Given that he's Jason Statham, none of these assassins will have survived. That leaves him with the problem of disposing of at least one assassin every day. A lot of those bodies will be in the septic tank. So, even though the process of emptying his crap-bank would surely involve using some kind of high-tech poo hose, Statham would still have the problem of police interest in the body parts that would be uncovered.

The result of this police interest would be a tense situation that he would have to fight or fuck his way out of. Either way, someone ends up dead.

2. Not to tamper, interfere with, alter or add to the gas, water or electrical installations or meters, either in or serving the premises.

It's been said that 'Jason Statham lives on a diet of violence, adrenaline and steak'. However, this is poorly researched and completely misses the evidence presented in the Crank films, which highlight his dependence on electricity. This alone means that he can't agree to leave the electrical installations be.

Furthermore, through the course of his day, Jason Statham can develop a new and baffling dependency at any given time. Who knows when he might need to alter in order to survive long enough to feed a corrupt mobster his own intestines?

Also, it's been said that 'Jason Statham lives on a diet of violence, adrenaline and steak', and with a diet like that, Jason Statham legally qualifies as a gas installation. Zing!

3. Not to use the premises, or allow it to be used, for illegal or immoral purposes and that includes the use of any illegal drugs which are or become prohibited or restricted by statue.

Morality being subjective, I find it quite confusing that it features in a list of my obligations. People who have read things I've written before may know that my idea of morality isn't necessarily in line with anyone else's.

I find it pretty depressing to know that I could get evicted from my flat for cheating at Monopoly. Evicted. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not bother trying to use those ‘get out of jail free' cards that you've had hidden up your sleeve since the game started.

If my idea of morality is skewed, Jason Statham's is probably so much further off the wall that it's buried in a mass grave in his back garden, along with more of the bodies. 

4. In the event of loss or damage by fire, theft, attempted theft, impact or other causes to the landlords premises or its contents, to promptly inform authorities as appropriate and the landlord or his agent as soon as is practicable. Subsequently, to provide, as soon as is practicable, full written details of the incident in order for the landlord or his agent to assess whether to make a claim on any relevant insurance policy.

In the western world, Jason Statham is the leading cause of all of these things. He is in a constant state of violent emergency. Documenting every catastrophe that happens when he's at home would take a dedicated team of people working around the clock. That's why so many of his films seem like they were made without scripts.

So much action happens around him that any time spent writing a film is time you're not filming the car chase he had on his way to the studio.

Tucked away in this point is the serious issue of insisting Statham informs the authorities when these mania-based problems (let's call them ‘oopsie daisys') occur. Given how many of his shoot-outs involve corrupt police officers, adhering to this could result in a rather nasty case of brutal death.

The only thing Jason Statham informs the authorities of is exploding vehicles moving at high speeds, and he does this by driving those exploding vehicles right into their faces. Oopsie daisy.

5. Before leaving the premises empty or unoccupied for any continuous period in excess of 14 days, to notify the landlord or his agent in advance and to fully co-operate and comply (and bear the fair cost of such compliance) with any reasonable requirements or conditions relating to the security or safety of the premises and its contents whilst being left empty or unoccupied.

Who amongst us really knows when they're going to be kidnapped? And when you're being kidnapped in connection with organ harvesting, knowing how long you're going to be away is a luxury you simply don't have.

Recent figures suggest that Jason Statham is targeted in a kidnapping attempt roughly every 14 minutes, and with up 78% of those being related to outrageous villains trying to get their hands on his lucky charms, it would be impossible for him to provide notice of his extended absences.

How would Statham communicate this to the estate agent? Presumably with bullet-riddled bodies, which he would present to them while he was not wearing a shirt.

6. Not to keep on, or bring into the premises, any inflammable or other material or equipment (apart from properly stored fuel or similar material in quantities appropriate for normal domestic use) which might reasonably be considered to be a fire hazard, or otherwise dangerous to the premises or the health of its occupants or of the neighbours.

Jason Statham is legally classified as a fire hazard, and any quantity of him is hugely abnormal, whether for domestic use or otherwise.

Yes, he keeps barrels of oil lying around. Are they a fire hazard? Yes. Are they properly stored and in reasonable quantities for domestic use? No. No, they are not.

But at any given time Jason Statham may need to shed his clothes, douse himself in said oil and grapple with goons, who may or may not be attacking him. As such, I don't think this is an obligation that would be agreeable to Mr. Statham. And by 'not agreeable to Mr. Statham', I mean that his reaction is likely to be quite killy.

7. Not to do anything at the premises (including the playing of excessively loud music) which is a nuisance or annoyance or causes damage to the premises or adjacent or adjoining premises or neighbours or might reasonably be considered to be antisocial behaviour.

If you're neighbours with Jason Statham, loud music is the least of your problems. You'd be lucky to survive long enough to hear the loud music. And if you find loud music annoying, wait until you hear gunshots at 3am for eighty-sixth consecutive night.

More often than not, a polite note that gets slid under the door of Jason Statham is a request to put the poor screaming man he has in there out of his misery.

Perhaps a more suitable idea would be to have everyone in the surrounding flats sign an agreement obliging them to play loud music at all times. Y'know, to drown out the squeals of delight from his lady visitors and to block out the death screams that would haunt your dreams for many, many years.

8. Not to fix or hang, any posters, pictures, photographs or ornaments to the walls or ceilings or woodwork with nails, glue, sticky tape, Blu-Tack or similar adhesive fixings other than with a reasonable number of commercially made picture hooks appropriate for the purpose and to make good at the end of the tenancy, or be liable for the fair costs of making good, any unreasonable damage or marks or holes caused by such fixings or their removal.

One of the problems with being Jason Statham is that you're constantly surrounded by bullet holes. Sure, to you and me a bullet hole is a fascinating novelty, an insight into a dangerous world we wouldn't normally get to see. But to Jason Statham, it's like every room in the world has the same bullet hole-coloured wallpaper.

If he wants to hang pictures to cover the bullet holes, or the punching holes, in the wall, then he should be able to. And if he can't, I don't want to be there when he's told.

There's also a potential benefit to society to think of here. How rarely we're offered an insight into the mind of an individual with as high a kill count as Jason Statham. Who knows what we'd be able to learn from the things he'd hang up.

Psychologists would be busy for years trying to decipher the meaning of the red blot that covers the eyes in that flaming unicorn portrait. (It will turn out to be accidental blood spatter, no doubt.)

And if Jason Statham does express himself through his choice of decoration, would denying him the ability to do so could push him even further into the red cloud of hate, murder and henchman blood that he exists in?

Enforcing this obligation would be a danger to us all.

9. To promptly provide as soon as is practicable just before or immediately at the end of the tenancy a forwarding or correspondence address to the landlord or his agent, for ease of administration and communication between the parties, including the processes involved in the return of the deposit.

When Jason Statham leaves, he disappears, potentially with your life. So, no. He does not leave a forwarding address.

It seems that the easier option for all involved is to not have Jason Statham sign a tenancy agreement, not charge him any rent and not bother him in any way at all.

Ah, to be Jason Statham.

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World Cinema: Franchises

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Asterix

Hollywood may love creating franchises, but other countries are partial to making them, too. This week, Nick takes a look at some of world cinema’s most enduring examples...

I decided to re-watch The Departed the other night (having not seen it since the cinema), and then for good measure put on Infernal Affairs afterwards. And it got me thinking, not that the former is the most successful (critically, at least) Hollywood remake ever, but that it came from a bona fide hit franchise (yes, I'm calling it a franchise and not a trilogy!) from Hong Kong.

Franchise films may be all the rage in Hollywood, and, in fact, the golden goose that studio heads are desperately seeking, but by no means are they the exclusive property of American filmmaking.

Franchises are a worldwide phenomenon, and have been for many years. To me, this is either proof that the idea of a film series is one that makes sense both commercially and artistically, and that audiences are genuinely interested and excited about re-visiting familiar characters in (occasionally) new situations, or that everyone is pretty much creatively bankrupt and just taking the easy option. In which case, I'll stop writing this column.

Honestly, I think the truth is somewhere in between, much as it is for Hollywood. Franchises represent security, for investors, producers, distributors and audiences. It doesn't matter what the culture is, some things are universal, and it would seem that this is one of them.

Cinema is far more similar than many people think, and just because there may be subtitles, it doesn't mean that the content inside is any different. With that in mind, here's a quick look and some enduring franchises from around the world.

Having started with Hong Kong, it seems only logical that I begin there. There can only really be one franchise which best represents this incredible place and that is surely Jackie Chan's Police Story.

Starting with the original 1985 film, it has since spawned four sequels and is a massive box office success in Asia. Telling the story of Inspector Chan Ka-Kui as a police officer who has some, ah, aggressive and acrobatic methods for solving cases, Chan himself considers the original his finest action film, and who can argue with the man himself? It is a brilliant series, and features the incomparable talents of Maggie Cheung and Michelle Yeoh in supporting roles. It also shaped ideas of how many of us perceive stereotypical Hong Kong action films, so its legacy is not to be underestimated.

Finally, we come to Turkey, my favourite purveyor of distinctly low quality Hollywood remakes (who can forget the terrifying Turkish E.T.?). Turkey has its own current action mega-franchise, Valley Of The Wolves, which not only is widely popular in the country, but is also highly controversial, with accusations of anti-Semitism and anti-Americanism to name but two.

Starting life off as a TV series, it branched off into various spin-offs, Valley Of The Wolves: Terror and Valley Of The Wolves: Ambush, before making the leap onto the big screen for the subtlety named Valley Of The Wolves: Iraq.

Including scenes of American soldiers butchering and torturing innocent civilians was probably never going to go down too well, but nonetheless, the film was one of the highest grossing movies in Turkey that year.

Not content with taking a look at the Iraqi conflict, the makers decided to go one better and subtitle the latest entry in the series, Palestine. Capitalising on human tragedy, the film's plot follows Turkish revenge for an attack by Israelis on an aid convoy headed to Gaza, and was announced only days after the actual attack. The film has been criticised heavily before release next year for harming Turkish-Israeli relations, which surely shows the power of this franchise.

That's your lot for this week. Hopefully, this has shed some light on the false notion of franchises being an exclusively modern and Hollywood obsession. They've been around since the beginning of cinema, and when I come back to silent cinema I'll hopefully remember to include some examples! Almost as if there was a coherent theme across all these columns. Anyway, see you next week.

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