Industry veteran, Barry Levinson, is most commonly seen directing and producing television shows these days, but I'll always associate him with his classic features, such as Rain Man, Good Morning Vietnam, and my personal childhood favourite, Young Sherlock Holmes. Even his less rapturously received movies, such as the oddball Toys and undersea sci-fi thriller Sphere had much to recommend.

Word went around last year that Levinson had begun work on what has been described as an ecological horror film, a low-budget production that was initially known as Isopod.

Now going under the rather more generic title, The Bay, an official synopsis has appeared that provides a little more insight into the film's subject matter, and the premise sounds remarkably like that of Jaws crossed with David Cronenberg's sleazy debut, Shivers. Here's that synopsis in full:

The quaint seaside town of Chesapeake Bay thrives on water. It is the lifeblood of the community. When two biological researchers from France find a staggering level of toxicity in the water, they attempt to alert the mayor, but he refuses to create a panic in the docile town.

As a result, a deadly plague is unleashed, turning the people of Chesapeake Bay into hosts for a mutant breed of parasites that take control of their minds, and eventually their bodies. A brutal and harrowing creature feature for the 21st century, The Bay chronicles the descent of a small town into absolute terror.

It sounds like a great throw back to an entire decade of horror movies, and we're intrigued to see what Levinson makes of the story, particularly as his production crew on the team are the very same people behind the scratchy Halloween hit, Paranormal Activity.

A documentary-style B-movie with Cronenbergian overtones? We're definitely intrigued.

Shock Till You Drop

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Following up the hard-hitting, crowd-pleasing boxing movie The Fighter, which has secured no fewer than seven Oscar nominations, director David O Russell's set to direct the videogame adaptation, Uncharted: Drake's Fortune.

Marking a distinct change of pace for Russell, Uncharted is, if the games its based on are anything to go by, likely to be a effervescent, family action adventure in the Indiana Jones mould, a far cry from the stylish Gulf War drama, Three Kings, or the philosophical comedy of I ♥ Huckabees.

Since news of Russell's attachment to Uncharted bubbled up last October, we've heard reports that Mark Wahlberg will be settling into the lead role as Nathan Drake, a controversial choice for many, as Nathan Fillion was widely thought to be the perfect actor for the part.

Meanwhile, Robert De Niro has been named as the character's partner in crime, Sully, and Joe Pesci is said to be in line to play the movie's antagonist, Gabriel Roman.

Most recently, Russell spoke to Empire about his progress on the film, and explained that the Uncharted script is currently a work-in-progress. Interestingly, he also said he'd "love" for Wahlberg and De Niro to be in the picture, which suggests to us that their roles in the film are far from certain at this stage.

"I love the idea of growing them into a cinematic family," Russell said. "I think that's a really cool idea, but... I guess you'll have to wait until you see the script."

When asked about who he had in mind for the role of Elena, the video journalist who served as Drake's love interest in the videogames, Russell mentioned Scarlett Johansson as one actress who "might suit" the role, and also appeared to like the suggestion that Amy Adams, who was superb in The Fighter, may be right for the part.

"Oh I would love that too. I love Amy," Russell said. "I also love Scarlett Johansson. There's a lot of great actors I think might suit. Hopefully, we'll see how it works out with everybody who are being scoped to do that role."

Like Wahlberg, De Niro, and Pesci, Johansson's role in the Uncharted movie is far from a certainty at this stage, though we'd be happy to see her or Amy Adams co-star as Drake's resourceful ally.

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune is tentatively scheduled for a 2013 release.

Empire

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Here's a pull quote for you: Brighton Rock left me stunned. More so than any other film at the back end of 2010, it caused my jaw to drop. And I don't mean that in the positive sense.

Adapted from Graham Greene's source novel, and lagging 60-odd years behind the first film version, co-written by the author himself and starring Richard Attenborough, William Hartnell and Hermione Baddeley, this new take is the directorial debut of writer, Rowan Joffé. The result is one of those mind-bending, flabbergasting disasters that come along far too rarely.

Brighton Rock couldn't be based on a more melodramatic plot, as Pinkie (Sam Riley), a young, ambitious gangster, decides to marry Rose (Andrea Riseborough), a local waitress who happens to be a material witness to one of his murders. In order to keep her silent, he cons the girl with false romance, and in the process unearths all sorts of Catholic forms of guilt and sin.

However, while its predecessor had a starched, yet dignified quality, mixing stiff upper lip Britishness with its own spin on the then-contemporary style of urban film noir, Joffé's take doesn't dare toy with restraint, inflating the melodramatic elements to gigantic proportions.        .

At first, however, there's a stirring of something promising, in an impressive opening sequence where a blood-red phone box stands out against thick fog, as a man picks up the telephone to the foreboding soundtrack of dolorous bass and crashing waves.

But while John Mathieson's (Gladiator, Phantom Of The Opera) moody cinematography recalls the depraved shadows of The Third Man, the fog soon clears to give way to what is a radical, and radically unwise resetting.

The action is moved to the 1960s in a quite crassly calculated move, to chime with the town's iconic connections with youth culture and the conflict between mods and rockers, as well as to provide the costume and production design departments with a distinctive aesthetic on which to spend their budget.

The film never satisfactorily reconciles the story with this new setting, leaving this new context  of faded glory, generational upheaval, and kitchen-sink throwbacks feeling a little irrelevant. As Pinkie romps through the criminal underworld, masterminding his ascent, Joffé crafts a background which, quite bafflingly, attempts to be more operatic than The Who's rock opera Quadrophenia.

It's a stylistic goal best witnessed in a horrifically overblown sequence, where Martin Phipps' choral score rises to a crescendo just as the protagonist wheels his moped into a veritable fleet of Vespas, giving the impression that the apocalypse itself is occurring, right on Brighton Pier.

With his script for Anton Corbijn's euro-thriller, The American, Joffé assembled a checklist of genre clichés, yet still attempted to subvert audience expectation. His work on Brighton Rock suggests this was a fluke, as his directorial debut is pure pastiche, a monster of warped hyper-realism.

To his credit, Brighton Rock isn't the most consistent of properties, as even the 1947 film never comfortably nailed its religious tones and crime plotting, but where its minimal grace was gently compelling, Joffé's mandate was clearly 'go big'.

From the hackneyed dialogue, stifling style and overworked direction, there's little space for the characters to breathe. Riley is a robotic facsimile of Attenborough's precedent (less 'Young Scarface', more 'Sussex Terminator'), and Riseborough makes the most of a wholly pathetic lead role, but the supporting cast, filled by high quality talent such as Helen Mirren, John Hurt and Andy Serkis, are picture postcard caricatures come to life.

Lacking in subtlety, the film pursues its thematics with short-sighted, fast burning fervour, making it an uneven, jarring viewing experience. At one point, it's as if someone noticed, mid-way into the shoot, that the religious overtones weren't stressed enough, so we are granted a scene where Rose enters a church and kneels to pray, framed with a halo of light, as the camera swings up into a high angled shot, showing a statue of Christ wrapping his arms around the poor, doomed girl.

It's astonishing. Brighton Rock is too breathlessly humourless to be cheekily kitsch, and it lacks the self-aware, genre tinkering intelligence for it to be a British Shutter Island. It's not to say there aren't flashes of technical bravado hidden within, but maybe, from now on, Joffé needs a straitjacket.

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This review may contain spoilers.

5. Dice

To give The Cape its credit, the show has somehow managed to get recognisable faces into the cast. From Summer Glau to Keith David, there's a lot of geek goodwill here to buoy your interest whenever the plot, acting, effects and dialogue start to struggle. The fact that this episode guest starred both Mena Suvari and Elliott Gould should tell you quite how poor it was in all those other respects.

This episode was the first where the show's own can-do spirit in the face of massive inadequacies stopped being amusing and started being irritating. It wasn't 'so bad it's good' territory, so much as 'so bad I was hoping a wayward truck might burst through the wall so that I wouldn't have to watch the end of the episode' territory.

This week, the villain was Tracey (aka Dice), a precognitive savant played by Mena Suvari. Yes, that's right, precognitive savant. Admittedly, the show tried to explain this without resorting to outright sci-fi/fantasy, but it's telling that the first time the show tries to stretch itself past the pulpy, but grounded villains into the realm of actual superpowers, it started to feel a bit ridiculous.

For the record, I don't buy the 'unique form of autism that gives her insight into the world of quantum probabilities' dismissal for a second. That's not how autism or quantum probability works. And, frankly, if you're going to call a character autistic, maybe she should, I don't know, display some autistic qualities? Besides her spreadsheet-vision and the world's most insane wallchart, I mean. Just a thought.

Suvari's role in the plot was, admittedly, a bit more interesting than the rest of the episode suggested. She appeared as the daughter of a researcher Chess killed, now grown up and ready to exact her revenge. Ordinarily, I'd say it makes a change to see a villain fixating on someone other than Faraday, but then, that's what happened last episode too, to an extent.

At this point, Chess and The Cape are practically old friends, having spent two out of five episodes helping each other out.

The story also fell down because of Fleming's 'invention', a prediction device called T.R.A.C.E, (although everyone spent the whole episode insisting on mispronouncing it as "Tracey", just in case we didn't get that it was based on Dice's brain patterns).

This software could allegedly predict the stock market so accurately that Fleming demonstrated it making millions of dollars in minutes.

So, naturally, rather than use these algorithms to make shedloads of money, he decides to mass produce the devices and sell them on. This, to me, is a bit like being given a machine that prints money and saying, "Excellent. Now if people want money, they'll have to pay us first!"

The only properly fun sequence came during Tracey and Fleming's second meeting, when she sets off a Final Destination/Rube Goldberg-style chain of events that plays out in split screen as her conversation with Fleming advances. Unfortunately, it distracted me from what was actually being said, but I don't think I missed much, in retrospect.

You might notice that I've spent more time on the villains this week than Faraday. That's because this episode's pivotal Faraday scene involved, er, learning to tightrope walk. When the high point of your training montage is a nut shot, you know things have gone in the wrong direction.

Similarly, scenes of Faraday's family seemed tacked on and pointless. At least when they appeared in previous episodes, they had something to do. This week, they were just there. Uninteresting, at best.

Far more on the interesting side was the backstory, which suggested a larger plan at work. The Cape has been good at tying its main villains into a wider theme for the episode, and this one involved the idea of free will versus destiny.

Apparently, Max knew Faraday would be joining their band in advance, a revelation that feels worryingly Heroes-esque, but I'm willing to see where it goes. Also interesting was the episode's penultimate scene in which Fleming evidences some kind of multiple personality, or at least the ability to put in snake eye contact lenses. What does it mean? Who knows. Let's hope they don't leave us hanging long.

So, even though it wasn't an entirely terrible episode, picking up considerably in the second half, this was still the worst one yet. With another three more episodes on the slate at least, let's hope it isn't the start of a trend.

Read our review of episode 4, Scales On A Train, here.

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"I'm not even confident of which end that came out of."

Yesterday, we brought you the first poster for the film Bridesmaids, a film that we'd suggest many of you overlook on the basis of the title alone. If you're anything like us, when you first saw the name, the thought of a hidden Bride Wars 2 sent shudders of fear down your spin.

But Bridesmaids looks far, far better than that. Directed by Paul Feig and produced by Judd Apatow (the geniuses behind Freaks And Geeks), the film stars the mighty Kristen Wiig, and on the basis of this trailer, is set to give the likes of The Hangover Part II a bit of a run for its money.

Here's the trailer, and the film itself arrives on May 13th in the US, and June 24th in the UK.

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Christopher Nolan continues to pull together the cast for his Batman swansong, The Dark Knight Rises, and the latest addition to Gotham City looks like being Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Gordon-Levitt, currently shooting Looper for director Rian Johnson, is reported to be in talks to join The Dark Knight Rises. Deadline, which broke the story, isn't clear about what role Gordon-Levitt is likely to be playing, just that he's set to reunite with Christopher Nolan, following their work together on Inception.

So, let the speculation begin, then. Just where will Joseph Gordon-Levitt fit into The Dark Knight Rises? Leave your speculation in the comments below...

Deadline

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In some of the most powerful drama told there is often a key player, a powerful character who not only provides context and history, but also a motivating factor for all the action. That character is, of course, the city.

Our urban metropolises are a relatively modern phenomenon, as modernisation has increasingly eroded the rural communities and driven millions into close contact with each other. Cinema is also a relatively modern phenomenon, and so it is natural that the two should have become intertwined.

The moving image is surely the only art form that can truly depict the city? Authors such as Charles Dickens may have given the city a voice, but film revealed its true nature, and through casting its eye over the sprawl, told the millions of stories which otherwise would have been ignored.

But how does this relate to world cinema in particular? A very good question.

Depicting the city as a character is a universal trait, shared by any cinema that concentrates its population in urban centres. However, it is especially relevant as a character in non-first world cinemas, where the development of a city mirrors the development of a culture or community. The city brings into sharp focus the conflicts inherent between people, while also highlighting the often found extremes of living, fabulous wealth for some and abject poverty for others.

World cinema films, with the city as a major theme, often share striking similarities with each other. The city may exist in many places, but it seemingly encourages the same problems, as well as the same dreams. They are narratively often rooted in the poorer, more desperate parts of town, where crime is both the disease and the cure.

Stylistically, too, there are many shared traits. The quasi-documentary style so recently in favour in Hollywood can be found earlier in the world cinema tales of the city. It seems that the truth of these urban stories must always be presented unvarnished, so as not to pretend there is anything hidden from the audience.

However, despite, or perhaps in spite of this, there are often new wave-inspired visual flourishes to be found in many of these films, as if to remind the audience that, while you may be watching the truth of people's lives, they still exist in the living embodiment of the modern age. The city is alive all on its own, and is the hub for new ideas. This can be seen in many films, from a wide spectrum of filmmakers, La Haine, Tsotsi, Amores Perros and Rome, Open City to name just four.

To illustrate my points further, it is probably time to have a brief look at a recent entry into the urban stories canon and how it represents its world.

Take Brazilian tour de force, City Of God. The clue is in the title. It's pretty much the story of how a city is built. And while the individual narratives told within the film are important, they are nonetheless ultimately reactive to the growth and development of Rio, and in particular, this one new development in it.

It quickly descends into chaos and anarchy, but time and again it begs the question: is it the place or the people that create the situation?

One cannot exist without the other, but the city always survives the comings and goings, the powers struggles and the intrigues.

It also exerts a pull on the characters. Much is made of the character's turning to crime in order to better themselves and/or facilitate an escape, but they always return, For example, with petty thief, Shaggy's girlfriend, whom we see disappearing early in the narrative in a focused and emotive manner, only to be inserted back into the action without so much of an explanation. Not that there is any needed. She could not escape.

Highlighting this is the fate of Benny, an almost moral and kind criminal who seemingly represents genuine hope that there is a better life out there. A rogue bullet puts paid to that notion, and the city claims another life.

For those who argue that Rocket escapes, I say to you: where does he return to time and time again?

The aesthetics of the City Of God also tie in neatly with my points raised above. The film contains a multitude of cinematic tricks to keep the viewer constantly entertained, off kilter and energised. Whip pans, freeze frames and split screen litter the edit, and provide a sense of hyperreality to the proceedings, which dazzle and further emphasise the role of the city as a place where anything can happen, as well as alluding to its essentially constructed nature.

We have built the city just as we have built this film.

However, directly against that is the use of handheld cameras and non-professional actors, which firmly roots the piece in the naturalistic documentary world. Once again this shows the gritty reality of life on the streets. The up close and personal nature of handheld camerawork makes the audience somehow believe what they're seeing is the truth, almost.

The film mixes these two seemingly opposite styles together incredibly well, and perfectly captures the dichotomy at the heart of the modern city, and helps explain just why it has exerted such a pull on filmmakers from all over the world.

• See the growing World Cinema series

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There is a question that has plagued me for years, one that I have thought about time and time again, and each time I have failed to arrive at an answer. Why is it so hard to make a decent Punisher movie?

I have been a fan of The Punisher for as long as I can remember. He is the ultimate superhero, a man without superpowers who is only too willing to let the punishment fit the crime. A man whose understanding of good and evil is so black and white, it's the same as the skull which adorns his Kevlar-covered chest.

There have been some brilliant comic book films which have captured the essence of their characters and the world in which they live, such as Superman, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Spider-Man, and Iron Man. So, why have they dropped the ball on The Punisher, not once, not twice, but three times?

Every one of three attempts (so far) have failed to capture the complexities of Frank Castle's transformation (some would argue, descent) into becoming The Punisher, and accurately depict the ongoing rage that he battles with to fuel his one man war on crime everywhere.

Let's have a look at these films now and what went wrong...

The Punisher (1989) starring Dolph Lundgren

No one will ever argue that the original version of The Punisher was a great movie, let alone a good movie, but there are two moments that I liked and that therefore make this version tolerable for me.

The first was the monotone and weary delivery of the inner monologue, which captured just how long the personal war on crime had been going for, and which suggested that it's not something that he chooses to do, but rather something he needs to do. It's his driving force.

The second was a scene told in flashback, which showed the murders of Frank's family, no longer portrayed as a gangland slaying in a park, but rather a car bomb in a driveway. It's a scene that attempts to show the emotional impact of the murders and quickly cuts from a fresh-faced Frank Castle to a battle scarred Punisher.

Besides these two points, the movie could have easily have been called 'Mafia vs. Yakuza'. There is nothing else that adds value to The Punisher origin story.

The Punisher (2004) starring Thomas Jane

There are so many things wrong with this version of The Punisher that it's hard to list them all. This marked the first time that Hollywood had seriously attempted to make a Punisher origin film, and given the success of other superhero films, I had very high hopes.

This film didn't just disappoint Punisher fans, but it disappointed action movie fans in general. From cheesy dialogue to ridiculous action scenes and overacting from most of the cast, unless you're Thomas Jane, then you can just look mildly miffed throughout the film.

As a Punisher fan, the main reason why I felt so betrayed by this version is that Frank Castle was not relatable or even likeable before his family was murdered. Thomas Jane played him as a dark, brooding, stoic, unfriendly undercover police officer who was a play-by-his-own-rules kind of guy, as shown in the opening scenes.

The film doesn't convincingly portray Frank's wife and son as the centre of his universe. If this is not conveyed, then how can the decision to become the Punisher be justified? The death of the Frank's family is the driving force behind his continued and unrelenting assault on crime.

The scene where Frank is mourning the loss of his family in the creepy hotel with even creepier neighbours is made to feel cheap. Personally, the less said about the mood lighting and bourbon whiskey decision to become The Punisher, the better. It's a disservice to the comic book.

As for the arrival of Kevin Nash as The Russian? Don't get me started.

Punisher: War Zone (2008) starring Ray Stevenson

When I heard that they were making yet another Punisher film, I was hesitant and sceptical at the news. I didn't want to get my hopes up, even though I had begun to have visions of a film which would right the wrongs of the previous two films.

Then came the day when I watched the trailer.

My heart couldn't have sunk any faster. It looked about as B-grade as you could possibly get. It looked like they had decided to go full-blown action and make it as over the top as possible, without any desire to make it the ultimate Punisher origin story.

Being a Punisher fan I had to go and see what the final product looked like. It was so bad that I couldn't take watching the whole thing, I had to turn it off halfway through. It was just so abysmal, it made the previous version look like Iron Man by comparison.

It actually caused me physical pain to sit there and witness a character that I had grown up reading in comic books turned into a cartoon version that offered absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. It was an excuse for copious amounts of mayhem and destruction littered with cardboard cut-out gangsters and paper thin plot.

Now, I am not saying that I don't mind the odd empty-headed action movie, but don't do it with a character who has more to offer than just being a mindless killing machine.

With all the attempts to make a decent version of The Punisher, what are some of the key ingredients that must be included to ensure not only success but a faithful adaptation?

To understand that Frank Castle was a family man who was dedicated to his wife and kids and it was that devotion that now fuels the rage for his war on crime.

• Frank needs to be shown to be relatable, and perhaps even likeable whilst his family is alive, because that part of his personality gets buried once he becomes The Punisher.


• The violence needs to be realistic and not like a cartoon. This is important, because even when reading the comic books, the violence was never shown to be 'cartoon-y' and seemed appropriate for the world in which it was set. The best example of a comic book film where the violence appears gritty and realistic is The Dark Knight. This shows that it can be done, and done perfectly.


• The criminals in the film need to feel like a real threat and not like a two bit gangster, as portrayed in War Zone. Well, actually in all three films. They need to have real dialogue and not something that sounds like it was written by a teenager. They need to make the audience feel scared, intimidated, and uncomfortable. (Sean Harris as Stretch in Harry Brown delivers one of the most creepy and disgusting drug dealers I've ever seen. That type of character would be ideal in a Punisher film.)


• There needs to be several scenes showing Frank's compassion towards innocent civilians who are caught up in whatever criminal situation. Whilst Frank has no hesitation in pulling the trigger on someone he deems evil, he has a very strong moral compass when it comes to protecting the innocents.

Combine these elements with any one of the Marvel MAX Punisher series written by Garth Ennis (most notably In The Beginning, Slavers, and Mother Russia), and you will have a dark, complicated, action-packed Punisher film that could soar to the same heights reached by Batman Begins and The Dark Knight.

Your move, Hollywood.

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Theme parks are awesome. So are movies. So is being rich. So is being me.

I've decided to combine these four awesome things. I will become rich by opening a film-themed amusement park. It will be so awesome that it will make people say 'cowabunga' and it will make me so rich that I won't care at all what people have to say, even if it is 'cowabunga'. Fuck them.

It will have these attractions:

The Elephant Man Bumper Car Bonanza

It's a well documented fact that one in three people will be killed in a bumper car accident. That's why you'll sometimes see a sign on these attractions that says "no bumping".

While the no bumping rule may be saving lives and, most importantly, big money lawsuits, it's taken the fun out of what should be an anarchic enactment of all of your road rage fantasies come to life, shy of getting out of your car and beating that prick-faced dickbag with your steering wheel lock until he learns to turn his music down and use his god damn indicator properly. Or at least until the red mist fades and you're left with blood on your hands crying ,"What have I done?" into the night.

At my theme park, rather than looking for ways to make you safer, which I honestly don't care about at all, I'll be looking for ways to make the rides more exciting, which should equate to me being richer. There's a reason why I've chosen to theme the bumper cars after the film The Elephant Man: sack on the head.

The Elephant Man Bumper Car Bonanza is the world's first attraction that requires you to put a bag over your head prior to strapping in. (Well, I say strapping in, but with that bag on your head you won't be able to see exactly how thorough our ‘safety measures' actually are.)

Then, we send you out in your cars. Bump away, if you can find anybody.  Also, chances are that you know someone who would benefit from wearing a bag on their head. This gives you an opportunity to delicately raise the subject without having to see their gruesome misshapen face contort in emotional pain. You're welcome. Of course, you could always tell them over the telephone, but what am I, your life coach? Solve your own problems.

The Gran Torino Get Off My Lawnercoaster

The difficulty in applying a theme to a rollercoaster is that, once the ride gets going, people tend to stop paying attention. Take the Saw ride at Thorpe Park. You stand for four-to-five working days in a Saw-themed queue, and you sit in a Saw-themed car, but then you're spinning around like a tearful ten-year-old who's just been told he's ugly by his mother, had a sack put on his head and been sat behind the wheel of a bumper car.

Of course, although that's hilarious to watch, it has very little to do with the Saw franchise.

So, in an effort to keep the movie fresh in your mind, we'll still have the lengthy queue with Gran Torino related décor, and we'll have rollercoaster cars that look the part.

How do you feel about sitting on Clint Eastwood's grumpy elderly face? Uncomfortable, I'll bet. Once you're strapped in, you go for a slow-paced ride through his neighbourhood from the movie. Clint will give you a running commentary of what's wrong with the area while telling you that should man up and stop being such a pussy about everything, and then the ride will start juddering up a hill, as all rollercoaster's do before they send you tearing around the track.

Once you reach the summit, you look around and see your greatest fears realised. You've somehow ended up right outside Clint's front porch. You hear a shotgun load and then the great man himself growls at you, "Get off my lawn!" And you do. You go rattling away from his lawn as fast you can. Then you get off the ride and remark to your friends that it was good, but not really worth the wait. But then what is?

Either way, no refunds.

The Amazing, Unbelievable Buried Parade Spectacular

The most exciting two man parade you'll see that doesn't feature either Clint Eastwood cross-dressing or Clint Eastwood dressed as a woman, park guests will be able to enjoy this attraction every day at 12pm, 2pm and 4pm.

This is an idea that seems to raise a few questions, so allow me to take a moment to answer those questions for you.

Yes, there is a man in the box.

Yes, you can kick the box.

Yes, if for any reason he gets out of the box, you can kick the man from the box.

Crash: A House Haunted By Racial Equality

There are two only things less subtle than a haunted house: me hiding behind a bin at a theme park entrance guffawing loudly at people willing to pay £60 to enter a hastily converted wasteland filled with poorly considered death traps, and the message at the centre of the movie, Crash.

Given the information you already have about my intentions for the rides here, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I was referring to David Cronenberg's crash-bang-wallop movie from the nineties. You'd be forgiven, but you would also be wrong. So, you may want to put a sack on your head out of embarrassment. Sacks are available in the gift shop, along with other reasonably priced merchandise.

This haunted house will be themed after the Oscar baiting, Sandra Bullock starring drama from a few years ago that dared to tell us that racism was bad, before suggesting 'Yeah, well, fuck you, because everyone is racist, including you, you racist son of a bitch.'

Perfect fodder for a haunted house, in other words.

The haunted house would mostly be ghosts acting out scenes from the movie while you sit in a rickety buggy nodding thoughtfully. Then you get taken past a load of mirrors and the ride projects a racist ghost into the reflection of your buggy, so it looks like it's riding along between you and the person next to you. Spooky, no?

Then the ghost disappears, and you realise that you were the racist one the whole time, or something. It really makes you think. Probably. I don't know. I haven't seen Crash in a while, but I think that was what it was about. Am I right?

Taxi Driver Park Monorail

Tired of walking from one end of the park to the other? Well, we're tired of hearing you moan about it when it's clear to everyone that you could use the exercise.

That's why we'll be running a monorail service around the park, but that's also why your journey will feature narration from my own personal hero, Travis Bickle. He's going to be hitting you with some pretty harsh truths, but it's probably for the best that you hear them, and also that you put this sack over your face.

Last Snack Booth On The Left

Why not stop by and enjoy a fizzy brown hate pop and a squashed meat murder bite? And while you're here, why not avenge the death of a loved one in as messy a fashion as possible? Perhaps with a chainsaw?

Look, it may sound distasteful, but I needed a place for people to eat overpriced, under flavoured food-like products, and my only other idea was a Ninja Turtles-themed pizzeria based in their sewer lair.

If that sounds better to you, then you have underestimated how much realistic detail I had intended for the sewer setting to feature. The closest thing to real food in that place would have been the rats.

Die Hard: Yippee Kai-Yay, Zapper Blaster!

Because a family day out isn't complete until you shoot someone in the face.

You remember the ride The Fifth Dimension at Chessington Park? Well, this would basically be that, but instead of seeing a giant pencil and then zapping The Gorgon, you're trying to claw some of your money back and zap Bruce Willis.

The ride works like this: you and your fellow riders are masquerading as German terrorists, but really you're trying to steal a shitload of money from my, by-now bulging bank account, which you will have contributed to with your in no way overpriced ticket, ‘food' and assorted merchandise (who could resist my face on their mug?) purchases.

You'll be happily zapping away and working towards my precious, precious loot when Bruce Willis pops up and starts fucking up your day. He shoots at you and pummels your brother to death. You have until the rides end to try to zap Willis and make off with my beloved cash.

I would advise riders to really try to zap him, even though it's impossible, as if you don't, a burly ride attendant in a dirty vest will punch you in the face as you exit carefully to your right, taking all of your belongings with you.

You'll be able purchase a picture of your nose being clobbered in at the gift shop in a variety of sizes, or perhaps as keyring or fridge magnet. Something to remember the day.

The Gone In Sixty Seconds Car Park Kerfuffle

Good luck getting home. We have stolen your car.

• See all the Confused Views

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Now that the biggest question in comic book movies, the identity of Zack Snyder's Superman, has been answered in the shape of Henry Cavill, attention has turned to the assortment of actresses thought to be in contention to play the third spoke of comics' most famed love triangle, Lois Lane.

Here we look at twelve of the mooted contenders for the part, and why they may or may not have a chance...

Malin Akerman

Why it will be her: She looks the part and has already worked with Zack Snyder on Watchmen, showing in the process that she's not afraid to get down and dirty with the whole superhero thing.

Why it won't be her: Age is reputed to be the biggest thing ruling Akerman out of contention at the moment. At 32, she's a good five years older than Cavill. You suspect this shouldn't really be an issue if a good actress is right for the part in all other respects. But to be brutally honest, we don't think Akerman is either of those things.

Rashida Jones

Why it will be her: For Brandon Routh in 2006, read Rashida Jones in 2011. Quincy's daughter and Parks And Recreation star, Jones is so like a younger Margot Kidder it's scary. And while she lacks major film experience, with supporting roles in the likes of The Social Network and I Love You Man being about the extent of it, her TV work has been excellent.

Why it won't be her: Again, age is a factor, as is her relative obscurity, and even (some have suggested) her race could be considered to make her a contentious choice. In theory, none of these should count against her. She's certainly a favourite of ours for the role, but chances are at least one of them will.

Natalie Portman

Why it will be her: The geek-friendly Portman will always be linked with roles like this when they come up. Her acting clout is without question. As a strong contender for the Best Actress Oscar this year, her casting would be a clear sign that, like Nolan's Batfilms, the emphasis for Superman is on filling the cast with quality, respected actors.

Why it won't be her: Is she a bit too big for this? She's arguably one of the few names under consideration whose casting would genuinely cast a shadow over her potential co-star. Having gone for a relative unknown to play Clark, the smart money is on the film's villain being the only piece of truly A-list casting. Besides which, Portman's already part of the Marvel film universe, thanks to her role as Jane Foster in the upcoming Thor. Could she really do both?

Kristen Stewart

Why it will be her: Well, she's got dark hair and she's quite popular at the moment. Oh, and unlike everybody else on this list, she is actually reputed to have tested for the role. Gulp.

Why it won't be her: She's far too young. Not only is she two years younger than Kate Bosworth was in Returns, she looks it, as well. Bear in mind, she's still quite convincingly playing a teenager in the Twilight films. Her lack of discernable charisma and range probably count against her, as well.

Ellen Page

Why it will be her: Thanks to Inception, she can now be considered part of Christopher Nolan's ‘troupe', and although the Dark Knight maestro is only producing rather than directing this, he'll undoubtedly have influence. Like Akerman, she also has comic book movie experience, courtesy of X-Men: The Last Stand.

Why it won't be her: Age, again. Inception was arguably the film in which Page ‘grew up', convincing as a post-teen character for the first time. But she's still very firmly early, rather than late, twenties. If they were making the film in five years' time, she'd be damned near perfect. But this is too early.

Rachel McAdams

Why it will be her: A good actress versed in both comedy and drama, attractive but not distractingly so, critically acclaimed but already used to doing blockbusters (Sherlock Holmes), she ticks all the boxes, frankly. Signing her up would be a statement of intent that this film's Lois is intended as a significant character in her own right.

Why it won't be her: We're struggling, actually. Okay, so she's another in her early thirties, but unlike some of the other contenders, she looks five years younger. Consider this one a very strong bet.

Carey Mulligan

Why it will be her: Well, Superman is British, so why not Lois? One of the most brilliant young actresses around, Mulligan is already bordering on mega-stardom. This could be the role that tips her towards it.

Why it won't be her: Her turn as Sally Sparrow in Doctor Who aside, genre work hasn't really been Mulligan's thing. If Snyder's Superman were a period piece set in the 30s, 40s or 50s (and we've argued in the past what a good idea that would be), it'd begin to look more right for her. As it is, she doesn't really seem the sort.

Jessica Biel

Why it will be her: She's another one already being hotly tipped by some insiders, and again, she's the right age and has 'the look'. Still, arguably, awaiting a major breakout role, she's steadily gaining kudos. Of everyone on the list, she seems to be at just about the right point in her career for this to make sense.

Why it won't be her: It's debatable as to whether she'd really be a standout name, however. This could work in her favour, if the same philosophy were taken as with Cavill, but should the producers be looking for a name to draw people in, she might not fit the bill.

Zooey Deschanel

Why it will be her: There's a groundswell of online opinion suggesting Deschanel would be perfect for the role, perhaps due in part to the way artist Pete Woods seems to have modelled the character on her in his and Paul Cornell's recent Action Comics run. One of the most interesting actresses of her age out there, this would be an intriguing step into a new direction

Why it won't be her: Is it really her ‘type', though? It would require a shift away from the normal sort of character she tends to play. Lois needs to have that edge, and Deschanel is perhaps a bit too ‘sweet', and maybe even a bit too conventionally pretty.

Olivia Wilde

Why it will be her: Pretty much the hottest female property in geekdom at the moment after Tron: Legacy, she's another one who, word has it, has already tested for the role. Again, her distinctive look would seem to suit the by-turns soft and hard-edged Lois.

Why it won't be her: As with Rachel McAdams, we can't see too many reasons why Wilde wouldn't work, and she has age on her side, too. She may be wary of taking on another big-budget sci-fi franchise so soon after Tron, but again, we think she's a very strong contender.

Erica Durance

Why it will be her: Well, she's had the job once already. Durance's Lois has been one of the best things about the later years of the increasingly irrelevant Smallville, and there's nothing to suggest she wouldn't cope with carrying her portrayal across to the big screen and joining up with a new Clark.

Why it won't be her: Well, she's had the job once already. Taking one already existent, recognisable version of Lois and dropping her into an entirely different cast and setup would just be weird. Can't see it happening.

Parker Posey

Why it will be her: It would correct a wrong of some five years or so, when Posey was cast as Lex Luthor's sidekick in Superman Returns, despite being a far better candidate for Lois than Kate Bosworth was. She's got the look, the strong, yet offbeat character, and the undoubted acting ability.

Why it won't be her: At 42, she's a decade older than some of the other actresses whose own age is said to be putting them out of contention. It's not going to happen. Besides, if even Brandon Routh couldn't get in Snyder's film, what chance do any of the other Returns cast have? This may have been a personal crusade of this writer's for years now, but it's probably time to give it up.

Show your support for your favourite Lois in the comments below.

See also:

• The casting of Superman: a geek's response

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Each month here on Den of Geek, I'll be taking a look at the newly-released comics solicitations for upcoming months. For the uninitiated, solicitations are listings put out by the publishers, usually three months in advance, so that fans and retailers alike can get their pre-orders in in a timely fashion.

The solicitations released this last week, then, are for comics due to be published in April 2011.

Marvel Comics

It's an especially big month for Marvel, thanks in no small part to the launch of their latest big ‘event' comic, Fear Itself. I'm sure that at some point after the underwhelming Secret Invasion, Marvel acknowledged that readers were likely to be suffering from .event fatigue'. But it didn't stop them foisting the (admittedly shorter) Thor-led Siege on us last year.

This time out, rising star Matt Fraction (Casanova, Uncanny X-Men, Invincible Iron Man) gets to take the wheel, and the solicitations for Fear Itself #1 declare it to be "the biggest Marvel event since Civil War".

Little is known about the story itself, or indeed, about Fraction's ability to handle the sort of big crossover story that's in recent years been the province of the likes of Bendis and Milla. But it's got 56 pages for $3.99 in the launch issue, and art by the redoubtable Stuart Immonen, so it should at least be worth a look.

Meanwhile, subscribing to the ‘why have one event when you can have two?' maxim, the Ultimate Universe's Death Of Spider-Man crossover will be in full swing by the time April rolls around. The solicitation for Ultimate Spider-Man #157 reads "It is the shot heard around the world. Witness the issue comic fans be talking about all year. Leave your cynicism at the door... this is the real deal."

This can presumably be taken to suggest that the 'death' itself is going to happen in this issue (although the event as a whole kicks off in February with issue #153).

Although I'll be buying it, I question the wisdom of this storyline. It seems counterproductive to kill off the lead of the Ultimate imprint's only remaining good comic (if, indeed, he is really being killed at all), and it feels like the presence of Mark Millar can only dilute, rather than improve, the excellent work Brian Bendis has been doing on this title for a solid decade.

Could this turn out be the final hurrah for the Ultimate books?

It's also a big month for Brit writer on the rise, Kieron Gillen, who takes over solo writing duties on Uncanny X-Men this month after a stint co-writing with Fraction. His first issue is Uncanny X-Men 534.1, the latest in Marvel's run of "point one" comics, issues that are designed to drop in alongside the regularly numbered issues and serve as a good jumping on point for new readers.

It's a nice idea in principle, even if the ".1" numbering thing is going to screw with people's collections somewhat.

Gillen actually has three issues of Uncanny shipping this month, but #534.1 looks to be a particularly strong bet for a worthwhile read, as it'll hopefully appeal to those not following the long-time storyline, and it's drawn by the excellent Carlos Pacheco.

As well as those three comics, plus the latest issue of Generation Hope, Gillen and artist Doug Braithwaite also launch a new series with Journey Into Mystery #622, the comic taking over Thor's numbering and focusing on the character's supporting cast, with Loki as the lead.

This shift is partly so that Matt Fraction and Oliver Coipel can launch The Mighty Thor #1, just in time for the Thor movie. As new launches by good writers, both issues should be worth a look.

DC Comics

It's much quieter on the DC front. The big news is that one of the longest running titles in comics' history reaches another milestone, in the shape of Action Comics #900, meaning that, assuming the book continues at a monthly schedule, it'll only be just over eight years away from hitting the magical #1000.

The issue itself holds some measure of excitement, as it finally features the return of Superman to the book, having been absent for two years, firstly for the New Krypton storyline, and secondly to free him up for J. Michael Straczynski's awful (and aborted) Grounded arc in the main title.

Writer Paul Cornell has been doing some excellent work on Action, with Lex Luthor as the star, but it'll be a thrill to see him rewarded with a chance at writing Superman himself. The issue also sees stories from Richard Donner, David Goyer and Damon Lindelof, with DC apparently still clinging on to the antiquated notion that writers from film and TV make a comic ‘special', simply in and of themselves.

It would have been nice to see some classic Superman creators return to the book for a landmark such as this. (I still have fond memories of Superman #400, a comic that featured an astounding array of talent.) Terrific cover by David Finch, mind.

Elsewhere at DC, the interest lies less in new monthly issues, and more in reprints, with two fantastic comics getting deluxe hardback treatment.

Warren Ellis and John Cassaday's Planetary: Batman is an absolutely fantastic one-shot story, criminally excluded from the Absolute Planetary collections. And while $22.99 is a ludicrous price for a 98-page book, the comic itself is mandatory reading for Batman fans. It doesn't even require any knowledge of Planetary itself. It's a standalone story that's more about looking at the myriad different interpretations of Batman over the decades (including Adam West). Cassaday's art, aping styles from Frank Miller to Neal Adams, has never been better.

Representing slightly better value, meanwhile, is the We3 Deluxe Edition, at $24.99 for 144 pages. But if you've never read it, We3 is honestly one of the most unmissable comics of the past decade, if not longer.

A tale best described as "The Incredible Journey meets The Terminator", it's by turns moving, visceral, heartbreaking and thrilling, with genuinely groundbreaking storytelling. And there are some who'd even call it the best thing either Grant Morrison or Frank Quitely have ever done.

In this oversized hardcover format, Quitely's art will look even better. Make no mistake, this comic will be a beautiful object.

Other Publishers

And finally, since Image haven't yet published their solicitations at the time of writing, I thought I'd cast my eye elsewhere, to a company I wouldn't normally look at. But when I saw what Bluewater, purveyors of godawful unofficial celeb biography comics, have got coming out in April, I couldn't help but want to share it.

Yes, it's Royal Wedding month, and that means only one thing: Bluewater are putting out The Royals: Kate Middleton & Prince William.

This isn't the Kate & Wills comic you may have read about in the Guardian (the one that's been written by comics journalist and cartoonist Rich Johnston), but rather an undoubtedly typically appalling effort from the never-say-die publisher.

"This issue will show you who these people are," says Bluewater, "giving you a closer look than those photos can ever show you. Be here for the comic event of the year." By this, I can only assume they mean their exclusive revelation that, if the cover is anything to go by, Kate has ditched the Prince and is instead marrying Buzz Lightyear...

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Having recently covered the best upcoming PS3 exclusives, I thought I’d turn my attention to those on the way for the Xbox 360. Although I acknowledge that there have been a few notable exceptions (including the flawed but excellent Alan Wake), there has been a lack of high quality exclusives on the console for some time. But with the launch of Kinect last year, as well as the return of some of the 360’s most popular franchises, the future release schedules look very strong indeed.

Here’s a list of the upcoming 360 exclusives I’m most excited about...

XCOM
(Console exclusive, also available on PC)

This reboot of the revered strategy franchise sounds like a winner to me. Looking to add layers of tactics, suspense and intrigue to the FPS genre, XCOM finds players taking control of an FBI agent on the hunt of a faceless enemy in an alternate 1950s.

From the trailer, it looks like a lot of running around and shooting is involved, but it promises to deliver an in-depth and compelling narrative alongside excellent action.



In planning but not 100% confirmed: Project Gotham 5, Perfect Dark sequel, Mech Warrior (also on PC) and the rumoured Halo 4 / Halo Combat Evolved reboot.

I apologise for the omission of Get Fit With Mel B, but if there are any other titles that you feel should have been included please comment below.

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Whichever way you cut it, the world of geek media belongs to men. Even when women are the kick ass stars of TV series (Buffy, Alias, Dollhouse) or films (Resident Evil, Tomb Raider), men still make up most of the supporting cast, appearing in distinctly greater proportions than we see in the real world.

It reflects a sad fact of cultural production. We may have come a long way since female author, Mary Anne Evans, had to publish under a pseudonym of George Eliot, but it's blokes that still run the show.

Which is why The Girls on Film is such a breath of fresh air. On paper it sounds like a parody project. A troupe of female actors take on iconic scenes from cult movies, from Fight Club, Star Trek and The Town, reading the same lines, acting the same parts as the men. But the results are no laughing matter.

This is a fan film project that creates powerful, dramatic results on a shoestring budget. And, while the performances here often highlight the differences between men and women, they prove that females are just as watchable in these parts as their male counterparts.

So, Den Of Geek salutes The Girls on Film, a project that proves it's about time women were given as much screen time in action, sci-fi and cult flicks as men.

Here's a scene from the female version of Star Trek.

The Girls On Film

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This review may contain spoilers.

4. Bolo Punch

The main conceit for this week's episode of Lights Out was the first to ask that we really suspend our disbelief, as events transpired to put Lights inside the octagon for an MMA bout.

Fans of mixed martial arts and boxing are often quick to point out the respective strengths and weaknesses of their chosen sports when potential cross-discipline match-ups are ever posited. I'm no expert on either sport, but from what I can gather, were the two fighters to ‘stand up' (i.e. remain on their feet and exchange blows), the boxer's superior punching technique would win out in seconds, whereas if the fight were to go to the ground, the MMA fighter's knowledge of the highly technical holds and submissions would end the fight almost immediately.

But who wants to watch that? In the opening seconds of the MMA bout in Bolo Punch, the MMA fighter survives at least three haymaker punches before Lights manages to easily fight his way out of a submission hold. The purists might whine that it could never happen, but I found the fight intense, brutal, captivating, and from what little I've seen of UFC/MMA, pretty realistic. One area where Lights Out really hasn't let anyone down at all is in its fight scenes, which have been plentiful and brilliantly done.

What I had more of a problem with was the way the writers engineered the fight to happen, as it didn't really ring true for me. It makes sense for Lights Out to do an episode focused on MMA. It's very much the story of decline, but it isn't just Lights, Johnny and his dad who are trying to reclaim faded glories. It's the sport of boxing as a whole, which has lost a huge amount of the prestige and following it enjoyed in its twentieth century heyday.

A large part of the downfall of boxing has been the emergence of the MMA and the UFC, which is far more violent and genuinely competitive across the divisions in a way that boxing can't claim to be any more.

I'm all in favour, therefore, of doing an MMA episode, but I thought the way Lights was put in the ring was too neat and implausible. One minute he was being sassed by a loan shark's bodyguard (played by legendary Dutch oddball, Bas Rutten, well known to both UFC fans and fans of Grand Theft Auto IV as the psychotic host of show-within-a-game, The Men's Room), and the next he's challenging him to an MMA bout. And the criminal boss who he works/doesn't work for just happens to be there in time to bankroll the whole thing.

Lights is also refusing a return to the ring at least partly because of health problems, remember. It seems odd that he would throw himself into an MMA bout (where the risk of serious injury is as high, if not higher than in boxing), even it was to potentially get his brother out of a fix.

Speaking of which, boy, Johnny really is ruining things for everybody, isn't he? He's lost Lights' money and his dad's money, and managed to lose at least some of Omar's money in a bet with loan sharks he was already heavily indebted to. Theresa has a point when she tells Lights he can't use the ‘He's my brother' excuse forever.

His behaviour is becoming so insanely selfish and dangerous that it's starting to stretch credibility that Lights wouldn't step in and step in hard. The fact that Johnny is still a great character that you believe in totally is down to a great performance from Pablo Schreiber, who provides just the right mix of charm, street smarts, slipperiness, desperation and even a  genuine physical presence, as demonstrated by his fight scene in this episode.

The other big event in this episode was Theresa's discovery of Lights' bankruptcy, as she attempted to go all Carmela Soprano and make a hefty donation to the church, only to find the kitty empty. It remains to be seen if Theresa will discover the other side to their financial woes (i.e. Lights' burgeoning criminal career) in the next episode, at the end of the season or ever, but it's good that the writer's aren't dragging out her obliviousness so that she isn't creditable any more.

I have to say, of all the leads in Lights Out, I find Catherine McCormack as Theresa the least convincing, purely because, like Andrew Lincoln in The Walking Dead, the American accent isn't quite there yet. It's not too distracting, but it is still noticeable, at least for now.

For me, Lights Out is still elevated to a cut above by the central performance from Holt McCallany, who is really something in the role of Lights. He seems larger than life, yet has a world weary grace and a commanding respect about him that truly embodies what a heavyweight champ should look and act like. When he almost physically shoves Omar out of the gym with a gun still shoved into his chest, we believe that the young boxer would be intimidated enough to put down his gun and leave. It takes some actor to pull off the dual roles of family man and violent force of nature believably, but McCallany continues to do so with great success.

Bolo Punch was another solid instalment in a what's been a great series so far, and concluded with a very interesting coda, where Lights attempts to coax the defeated Omar back into training, only to hear him claim that he doesn't have it in him to be a boxer anymore.

Lights, the definition of the stoic, old school warrior, keeps looking to people around him to stand up, be counted and fight the good fight in the way that he made a point of doing when he was the champ, but he's starting to run out of surrogates. He's a born fighter, surrounded by people who need him to fight for them. It can't be long before we see him back in the ring.

Read our review of episode 3, The Shot, here.

Follow Paul Martinovic on Twitter @paulmartinovic, or for more babble check out his blog here.

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This review contains spoilers.

2.11 Kill Bob

Let's catch up with Human Target, then.

Episode 11 opens with a guy in a car very luckily surviving an assassination attempt. Bob (Todd Grinnell) visits the team for help and then has no idea why Chance decides to send him back to his life. But the team fills in around it, waiting for someone to try and kill him again.

So what happens? Well, Bob and his wife, Angie, (Lauren German) visit a market with the team following. While watching them, the team notice some strange behaviour from Angie, which peaks with her pulling a gun from her bag and walking after Bob. Chance intervenes and gets him out of there.

Ilsa and Ames show up while the team talk about why Bob's wife would want to kill him. They've done a background check and find that she's been married before and that her husband wound up dead. We then see Angie talking to a Russian about why Bob isn't already dead.

Winston and Guerrero had been following Angie and decide to break into the office she was just in to find out what she was doing. They learn that Bob and Angie are going for a romantic getaway, and Chance manages to talk himself into going along.

Ames and Guerrero break into the office, and while Guerrero tries to hack the computer, a couple of Russians get alerted to their presence. They rappel down the side of the building just as the Russians get into the office.

Meanwhile, at the romantic resort, Chance is informed that Angie is a Russian spy, while Angie is informed of the break-in and is suspicious of Chance. An amusing scene over dinner ends with Chance and Angie trying to kill each other, Mr And Mrs Smith style. Chance and Bob make their escape as more Russians show up.

Winston and Guerrero have almost cracked a file they stole from the office when they notice a file on Ilsa's husband, Marshall.

Back at the cabin, Chance figures out that Angie isn't really trying to kill Bob. She's just making it look like she is for her boss.

The team inevitably come up with a plan, after which Guerrero shows Chance the file on Marshall Pucci, which includes a picture of him with a another woman. Ilsa interrupts this, and once shown the picture, decides to investigate the woman's identity. She asks Ames for help with this while the rest of the team are helping Bob.

The plan involves swapping a hard drive with a code on it in exchange for letting Bob live. The team have him meet with the Russians on his own while they watch from a distance.  Once the Russians have the code, Angie is ordered to kill him. Chance believes that Angie has a plan to let Bob live, so he doesn't interfere, but then she shoots Bob. She shoots him near the heart, but far enough away that he won't die. Then Chance goes after the Russians.

This ends in a kind of 21st century joust, with two cars heading towards each other, with Angie and Chance hanging out the passenger doors shooting at each other. At the last second, Angie takes her finger off the trigger and Chance takes the shot, putting it exactly where she had with Bob, leaving the Russians thinking they're both dead.

The episode ends with Bob and Angie leaving for a new life with new identities.

Plot done, let's look at the inevitable question: was it any good?

Well, for me, this was definitely one of the weakest episodes this season. While it had a few laughs (the dinner scene was quite enjoyable), it just never got going. The side story with Ames getting married was essentially pointless and the side story with Ilsa's husband never led anywhere, although I'd imagine that was just setting up for a later episode.

The whole episode was clearly aimed at a Valentine's Day showing date, as the message throughout all was about love. Showing Chance, who's usually cynical about things, believing in it, seemed a little out of place.

With only a couple of episodes left this season, it'll be interesting seeing where they go next.

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This review may contain spoilers.

4.13 Chuck Versus The Push Mix

In the original episode order this was meant to be the finale, but the ordering of the back 11 means it's now in the middle of this year's Chuck. Not wanting to make major changes to their narrative plan, those behind the show delivered a build-up last week and then executed their intended finale here.

The push mix of the title is the calming music that Chuck (who, working for the CIA, doesn't consider copyright laws) has put on a CD for the birth of baby Grunka. Err, I mean Clara. It's a minor point in this story, as most of it revolves around taking down Volkoff and his Hydra network, but the scenes with Ellie and Captain Awesome underline the heart this show has for me. They even manage to layer in a character who is dead, with the threat of bringing him back for a splash of genuine tension.

I'd accept that the way things unfold is a little uneven in places. Having four characters run into each other on the deck of a ship looked rather clumsy, but overall, this was a great episode and showcased what the cast and writers can do when inspired.

And for once in this season they even managed to illicit some decent acting from Linda Hamilton, having watched Timothy Dalton redefine crazy over the past weeks.

Dalton was marvellous again, especially when he realised that Mary Bartowski had been playing him for many years. He's so watchable, I find it hard to believe that he's not a major character on a mainstream drama in the US.

I'm not going to reveal how Chuck brings down Volkoff, but it's much more classy than I'd expected, and not one of the usual cheesy methods borrowed from Scooby Doo.

Where the show really wins for me is the humour, the sort of anarchy that only Chuck can deliver. From the running gag about Morgan not dressing under his wetsuit, to the reaction of Awesome to impending fatherhood, it's all very funny. To that we can add the sideways reference to FlashForward with their evidence wall, Morgan's yoga, and the abduction of an entirely innocent person, who just looks like someone they'd like to interrogate.

It's capped off with the very predictable, but no less hilarious arrival at the hospital of Jeffster for their very own push mix. The Buy More has had the thin end of the pizza for most of season 4, but at least Jeffster have had their moments in the light.

Yet, in true Hollywood style, baby Clara looks like no newborn I've ever seen, having arrived by a limo rather than via the birth canal. But I digress.

The only question unanswered is where the show can go from here for 11 more stories, as the majority of plot threads where neatly tied up as they needed to be, by Push Mix?

Okay, so Volkoff could come back, and so could a dozen other captured baddies, and Chuck and Sarah still need to marry at some point, but all new driving elements of the show need redefining. I do hope they can develop some narrative fast, as I don't want the show to fizzle out from here, having come so far.

Next week we see the welcome return of Roan Montgomery (John Larroquette) when Chuck goes up against The Seduction Impossible.

Personally, I can't wait.

Read our review of episode 12, Chuck Versus The Gobbler, here.

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Peek past all the prime time detective shows, and there are hints that ITV's schedule might just be getting a bit more interested in genres outside of the emergency services. Primeval is the big example, of course, although that had to be saved from the axe by a co-production deal with cable television. But still, we're up to four seasons and counting now of the monster mash, and given that it's hardly the cheapest show to make, that's something to be appreciated.

And then there's Marchlands, a ghost story spanning three different eras in the same house, that's running over five episodes. Inevitably, then, this opener had a lot of business to get through, and it battled through the immediate backlog as quickly and gamely as it could.

Family one, back in 1968, features Jamie Thomas King and Jodie Whittaker as young couple Ruth and Paul, whose young daughter, Alice, seemingly drowned. They live with Robert's parents, Evelyn and Robert, played by Tessa Peake-Jones and Denis Lawson.

Moving towards the glorious wallpaper and dodgy washing machines of 1987, meanwhile, and there's Helen and Eddie Maynard, played by Alex Kingston and Dean Andrews.

While in 2010, Shelley Conn and Elliot Cowan are Nisha and Mark, a young couple who have just moved into the house, and are expecting their first child.

The show does its damnedest to get us to know these people as quickly as possible, having the most luck with the Maynards in 1987. The prime reason for this is that Kingston and Andrews are clearly having the most fun with their roles, and right now, theirs are the performances to most watch for.

Once set up, then, Marchlands confidently moves between 1968. 1987 and 2010, as the mystery of the disappearance of Alice, who appears to be haunting later occupants of the house, begins to unravel.

The shift in eras is done nicely, via a quick timely reference, or a solid transition, and once the show has taught us its shorthand, it speeds the jump between the decades well enough.

So far, so good, then. However, what lets Marchland's maiden episode down immensely is its unwillingness to let us try and work too much out for ourselves. Aside from presumably young Alice running through the woods at the start, every single jump, and every important moment is clangingly signposted by the musical score. It's not that the score itself is bad. It's just very badly deployed.

It's not just the music that contributes to the general feeling that we're not trusted to work out what happens, either. Near the end of the episode, we get a musical cue, the name of someone written down, a character reading out said name, and a picture of them, too. I've heard about double bagging just to be on the safe side, but Marchlands takes it to silly lengths here.

It doesn't help that the opening episode trades on one or two ghostly clichés, either. The main one being the cat. As soon as the animal appeared, I, and I suspect most of the watching audience, would have been advising Kingston and Andrew to not bother getting too much Kit-E-Kat in for the weeks ahead. Still, the prop department have kept us guessing, by dragging up the most unconvincing ball of fluff from a local skip to substitute for the supposedly dead moggy floating in the pond.

That aside, it's puzzling why the execution is a little lacking. There's the guts of a good idea here, and Stephen Greenhorn's script keeps things burning along, even when it appears cracks are being papered over. (Greenhorn, incidentally, is responsible for a pair of Doctor Who episodes, The Lazarus Experiment and The Doctor's Daughter.)

But while the show is entertaining enough, it's not working, at least right now, as a ghost story. The supposedly eerie moments aren't eerie at all, and Marchlands is at its most entertaining every time it takes a sojourn to the 80s. There's clearly drama building up in the 60s and 2010, though, and there's four more episodes to see how that plays out.

I'll certainly be watching them, as right now, Marchlands is delicately poised to go either way. I'm pleased that ITV is giving this sort of show a go and would really like to see it all come together. Less music would be a start. As would a bit more ghost story, and a little less soap.

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A few new bits and pieces have to come to light about the currently-filming sixth series of Doctor Who. And thus it made sense to round them up in one place for you. So, we have.

Firstly, we have a new episode title. Episode seven of the new run is currently working under the title of Demons Run. This name may yet change, but it came to light thanks to the agent's page for actor Simon Fisher-Becker, who is appearing in the episode (which, subsequently, was reported by Doctor Who News).

Episode seven, as you might recall, is where the mid-season break of Doctor Who is set to fall, and the episode that's supposed to end with a massive cliffhanger, which we'll then have to wait until the winter to see resolved.

Meanwhile, some new casting information has appeared, again related to episode seven. Danny Sapani, who has appeared in The Bill and Misfits, is down to play a character called Colonel Manton.

Elsewhere, Lee Ross, best known as DCI Litton in Ashes To Ashes, has been added to the cast list for the third episode in the show's next run. It's currently filming in Cornwall and appears to involve pirates.

Doctor Who News also reports that Nick Hurran is being added to the roster of directors for the new series, but it's not clear as of yet which episode he'll be helming.

When we get more news, we'll bring it your way.

Doctor Who News

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Earlier in the week, we were fortunate enough to head across to Wales, where Torchwood: Miracle Day is currently shooting before heading back to Los Angeles. And while we were there, we managed to glean plenty of information from Russell T Davies, John Barrowman, Mekhi Phifer and Eve Myles. Sadly, we're not allowed to run most of it just yet, but Russell T Davies, in an interview with BBC Wales, has given a flavour of what you've got to come.

In the piece, Davies said, "It's brilliant to return to Torchwood - in a way, for me, Torchwood never went away because it always lives in my head, really. The chance to take those characters, take Eve Myles's character, Gwen Cooper, and, obviously, Captain Jack, played by John Barrowman. It's their fourth year of stories now. It's kind of like they have become modern legends. I love that."

He went back over the premise of this new Torchwood run, that basically nobody on Earth can die, and then hinted that his longer term future may be away from science fiction. "Personally I think I'm coming to the end of it now and I've saved the world and blown up the world too many times, and I hope I leave Torchwood in rude health, and then I'll probably move onto something else then."

Nothing's been said about Torchwood post-Miracle Day thus far, and it'd be interesting to see whether Davies always keeps some kind of watchful eye over it, or eventually makes a complete cut.

In the interview, he talks about other writers coming in to the show with real enthusiasm, and it might just be that he's got a few more ideas up his sleeve that he wants to progress, now that he's residing full time in Los Angeles.

Here's the interview at the BBC.

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The Fighter is perfect Oscar bait. Conforming to everything the Academy loves in its movies, triumph over adversity, transformative, showy performances, and an uplifting, ‘life affirming' conclusion, it's little surprise that David O Russell's gritty boxing drama has notched up no fewer than seven nominations.

And yet, like last year's The American, The Fighter is filmed and acted with enough brio and conviction to overcome its predictable, formulaic plot, and as the music pounds and the punches fly, it's impossible not to get drawn in to this brash, aggressive drama. It's shot with a grimy, semi-realistic look that's typical of Russell, but the grime is a gossamer thin covering on what is an unashamedly feelgood movie.

Based on a true story, The Fighter stars Mark Wahlberg as Micky 'Irish' Ward, a 30-something Irish American boxer whose career is on the ropes. His half-brother, Dicky (Christian Bale), is nominally his trainer, but spends much of his time in a crack den, and following a string of badly chosen fights, Micky's chances of becoming a world champion appear to be slipping away.

Micky's fortunes begin to change when he meets headstrong barmaid, Charlene (Amy Adams). Encouraged to stand up to both Dicky and their domineering mother, Alice, Micky makes a redoubled attempt to win the title he's been dreaming of.

The Fighter is notable for the strength of its lead performances, and Bale's in particular. Playing a washed-up, drug addicted ex-boxer, he rambles and seethes his way through the movie, all rotting teeth and thinning hair. It's a showy, manic performance rendered all the more startling by his gaunt appearance. This is Bale in a similar starvation mode he employed for his unforgettable turn in The Machinist. And while it's a little over the top, it's right for the film, and certainly one of his most memorable roles in years.

Bale is matched by Melissa Yeo, the seething matriarch who runs her family's affairs like a mafia don with big hair. She plots and snarls like Lady Macbeth with rabies, and she's brilliant. The Supporting Actress Oscar nod is entirely deserved.

Wahlberg, perhaps sensing these heavyweights crowding the screen from both sides, is the film's quiet centre. Leaning more to the quiet, introspective character of Rocky Balboa than the Jake LaMotta of Raging Bull, his turn as Micky is quietly effective, lending a vulnerable edge to his character that makes his horrendous bad luck all the more poignant.

The Fighter's boxing matches are effectively shot and staged, and the sound design brings home every retina-detaching punch, though there's little of the brutality of Raging Bull here. You could argue the film doesn't need it. This is a film about chasing dreams and fulfilling ambitions, not a Death In The Afternoon-style exploration of brutality, and there's nothing wrong with that.

As the bell rings for the final, decisive fight, and Micky steps into the ring, you realise just how great it is to see a Rocky-style boxing movie on the big screen again.

It's interesting, in fact, that Russell makes no attempt to veil his debt to John G Alvidsen's movie. There are adrenaline soaked training sequences, montages of fights set to pounding rock music, a jump rope scene where Wahlberg skips really fast and then chucks his rope on the floor, while the climactic fight even concludes with a freeze frame.

The Fighter, therefore, is derivative, formulaic and emotionally manipulative. That it still manages to be an absorbing, exciting and surprisingly funny movie (there's a running gag which involves Bale throwing himself out of a first floor window that is darkly comic) is a testament to its uniformly excellent acting, direction and script.

Wahlberg's performance as Ward isn't as enduringly memorable as Stallone's hangdog, drawling turn as Rocky Balboa, and as a biopic, Russell's film lacks the complexity of Raging Bull. But taken as a feelgood piece of cinema, The Fighter is inarguably the best boxing movie of the last 25 years.

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