This article contains season 5 spoilers.
Ah, True Blood. Home to some of TV’s most divisive storylines, the blood-soaked supernatural drama will indeed be gracing our screens for a sixth season, and if Alan Ball has his way, several more after that.
Capable of greatness – the whole of season one – but also guilty of some horrific crimes against fiction – most of season two – True Blood is never predictable. It’s a long, long wait til the start of the new season, so we thought we’d whet your appetite with what we’d like to see – but in no way predict – happening in Bon Temps in 2013.
Firstly, and perhaps most importantly, better B-stories. Having gone slightly off the Charlaine Harris reservation recently, the B-stories have become increasingly far-fetched. And this is a show populated by vampires, werewolves, and ridiculously English faeries.
Regular readers of our True Blood content will be well aware that last season’s Ifrit storyline, coupled with the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Hoodoo body snatcher, always felt shoehorned in, badly thought out, and rushed in execution. The writers at TB are capable of far better, and the fabulous cast deserve a little more. Admittedly, servicing a large cast can be tricky, but both Laf and Terry (when he’s a nutjob) are far more valued characters than those shoddy storylines would have you believe. If you need any proof of that, see every episode where Laf is not possessed or any episode when Terry is a nutjob.
So, now we’ve got the complaints over with, let’s move on to the more positive stuff we’d like to see gracing fair Bon Temps next year. First off: Eric. And lots of him. Obviously, Eric will play a large part in the sixth and any subsequent seasons, but for the purposes of this piece, let’s be clear: now that he’s back to his totally awesome self – sarcastic, incestuous, and wearing a fantastic jacket – we want no more of the Diet Eric nonsense, and no more pining for Sookie. With his kickass save-the-family mission, and his almost singlehandedly destroying the Authority (sort of), coupled with Russell et al’s demise and Bill’s ‘rebirth’, Mr Northman is now the show’s Alpha Vamp, and that’s how we like it. Shame we had to lose the very promising bromance to get there, but we’d like to see him kick ass and Alpha for as long as possible...
Next up – more vamps, but this time of the lady persuasion. The last couple of episodes brought together the long awaited Tara-Pam-Jess triumvirate, and while it’s taken a slightly, um, complex turn, this has the potential to be one of the most interesting and, let’s face it, catty team ups ever seen on TV. All they need is for Laf to join, and literally the entire town would move to Fangtasia. We want to see lots of this trio – bitching, fighting, whatever – as long as it happens. As has been said here many times before, True Blood does write a good girly, and these girlies are particularly good. This is assuming, of course, that Jason doesn’t kill at least one of them in the first episode...
Which brings us neatly on to the next thing on our season six wishlist: Jason ‘Statham’ Stackhouse. Whatever that knock on the head has done to him, it’s incredible. Jason is never funnier than when he’s attempting high grade masculinity – whether that’s intentional or not remains to be seen – but the longer the parent-hallucinating concussion lasts, the better. Of course, while Jason connecting with his inner Bruce Willis is great for us, it’s probably not going to be great for Louisiana’s vampire population. As long as he doesn’t stomp on any of the vamps we love, watching Jason wage a vengeance campaign couldn’t possibly be anything other than fantastic. And there’s one vamp in particular that he’s gunning for. One vamp that we’ve yet to see...
And that vampire is of course, Warlow. Given that we already know that the mysterious parent killer will finally show his face in season six, his inclusion here is to wish for a full explanation of Sookie's heritage. Yes, a showdown between Warlow and whomever decides to kill him would no doubt be fun, but what we’d really like to know is why. Why Sookie was sold, why Warlow has never called in his debt, why the Faeries are well aware of all of this, and why in hell no one’s ever mentioned it before.
But more than that – our fervent hope is that, once all the Stackhouse family history is uncovered, the frickin’ faeries will finally be surplus to the show’s requirements. Surely, once Warlow has been dealt with, teaching Sookie about her powers along the way no doubt, there should be no more need for their over-English, under-clothed, completely useless and incredibly annoying presence. Or maybe Warlow could just eat them. Either way, if we’re very, very lucky, season six will be the last time we’ll have to sit through their inanity.
Speaking of an end to inanity, let’s talk Bill. Now that Gentleman Vampire Compton has completely lost his shit, what we’d most like to see next season is an interesting, dare we say, kickass Bill. The time for niceties is over and with the help of/possession by Lilith, Bill is finally going to have some real vamp fun. And about time too.
While the brooding, lovelorn, guilt-ridden vamp has its place (mostly in teen fiction), they’re never as interesting as their evil counterparts. If you need proof, look no further than the Angel vs Angelus debate – Angelus wins hands down; or the Rice-created Lestat vs Louis – there’s a reason that Lestat became the hero of those novels. Poor Bill has been dull for too long. With no interest in Sookie, and about as evil as vamps get, up against a full strength Eric and the newly Stathamed Stackhouse, season six could well be Compton’s season. And that’s going to be a fight you’re not going to want to miss...
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