Confused Views: More letters to Jerry

Some time ago, I expressed to you all my interest in pursuing a pen pal relationship with action movie producer, Jerry Bruckheimer. At the time, I was becoming frustrated that the little man with the big kabooms had not responded to any of my handwritten letters or Twitter messages. Well, either things have changed since or I've lost a decent sized chunk of my mind and imagined a correspondence between the two of us.

I'm absolutely certain that this started somewhere in reality, when I received what can only be described as a spam message directly from Bruckheimer's Twitter account, advising me to check out his official websites. Not being the world class boob I'm frequently and aggressively referred to as, I was able to read between the lines. Jerry had reached out. He wanted me to make contact.

Getting Jerry Bruckheimer's email address wasn't so tricky. I managed to procure it in the same way that I got his office address. I simply used methods that I can't legally talk about on this website.

From there I set about contacting the cinematic explosions guru, excited to know that he was expecting my email and happy to engage in conversation with me.

I've included our entirely fictional correspondence below.

Sent: 11.46pm Sunday 31st October 2010

Hi Jerry

I got your Twitter message. No doubt you've been expecting my letter ever since. Would've been easier if you'd included your email address - lol! But I get it. You were testing me like God did when I had my accident. I showed him by surviving and by getting your email I address I've showed you too. I am worthy of time and love.

I have so many questions to ask you. I loved G Force this summer. How did you make it so good? Did you always plan to make it with animals or had you ever considered using other things, like maybe stationary? You could have called it Pen Force if you'd used pens.

Screw all the so called critics that didn't get the film. They don't know what they're talking about. The film was one of the best, if not the best, ever, and I should know, I watched the trailer on YouTube about 10 times. My friend is going lend me the DVD soon so I will have seen the whole film hopefully by Christmas. It will make me very happy.

I hope you will make G Force 2 and that it is a crossover with your best television show, CSI: Miami. You could call it G-Force: Miami. Just a suggestion. You don't have to use that. I just think it would be good.

I loved The Sorcerer's Apprentice so much. Magic is so brilliant and wondrous. Another classic that the critics didn't understand. No doubt they are jealous because you have achieved so much in spite of having such a tiny face.

This is another trailer that I must have watched about 10 times on the internet, it's so good. My friend hasn't got this one on DVD, so I don't know when I will get to see it. I would ask for it for Christmas but I haven't been getting on very well with my family lately and so I don't think I will be getting any presents. I like that the wizard in it has that hair. Do you do that with computers? I've been spending a lot of time on my computer lately.

I hope you will one day make The Sorcerer's Apprentice 2 as I have a good idea for the story which I will tell you about. In it the sorcerer has to take on a new apprentice because the old one is killed by an evil witch who has stolen the world's ability to believe in magic and also in the spirit of the underdog. The sorcerer finds a new apprentice, a badly burned young man who likes fire, doesn't have a big family and most of them hate him and sort of blame him for something that wasn't even his fault, but he has a good heart and a never say die attitude.

They have to go all over the world and battle some henchmen, like in the forest and up a mountain, before they finally have a showdown in an American wrestling event and everyone thinks it is a wrestling match but it's actually real lol. The new apprentice makes the crowd believe in him, even though he is the underdog and so then they can use magic again and they beat the witch.

I hope you will tell me about what new films you are making.

Your friend always

Matt

Received: 10.26am Friday 12th November 2010

Hi Matt

Thanks for your email and your kind comments. To answer your questions, I left the writing on G-Force to the writers, as it's a process I'm not very familiar with. With regard to Nic Cage's hair in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, none of us are really sure how he got it. He just turned up looking that way and when one of the producers asked him about it he just laughed at them. It was a laugh that lasted for more than three days and if you listen carefully, in some scenes you can actually hear it in the background.

What am I working on now? I have been very busy working on Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

I would also like to take this opportunity to make it clear that in no way did I encourage you to seek out my email address. Whilst I am always happy to hear from a fan, I do ask that you do not send me your film ideas, as I can't use them and it can lead to difficult situations if we have similar ideas.

I am sorry to hear about your accident and I wish you a speedy recovery.

Kind regards

Jerry Bruckheimer

Sent: 10.31am Friday 12th November 2010

Hi Jerry

Many thanks for responding to my email. My doctor said that you would never email back, so I shall show him this and see the look on his face in our session on Monday! What kind of doctor only does talking anyway? Thinks he knows bloody everything, that one.

Thanks for your concern regarding my injuries. I am fully physically healed now, but they say I still have to stay here until they discharge me. Also, I'm supposed to stop referring to what happened as an accident. They say the sooner I do that, the sooner my family will start visiting me again. Knowing what they know about the fire, you'd think they'd realise I don't even want to see them - lol.

Pirates Of The Caribbean sounds good. Can't wait to see it. I really liked all of the other films in the series. All of the sword fighting and boats with sea monsters, I have no idea how you are able to come up with these things. You really are some kind of genius. How long until it comes out?

Not only am I looking forward to seeing it, but I'd like to know when you'll be done with it, so you'll have some free time to email me. Maybe we could meet up? I have a friend who says he can get me to LA because he knows the right people to get me some documents, as I'm not really meant to leave the country at the minute.

The thing about spending long periods of time locked in a windowless room whilst strapped firmly to a bed is that you get a lot of time to think. Why, I've been wondering for quite a lot of hours, don't you work with Michael Bay anymore? Is it because he's off gallivanting around with Steven Spielberg and Shia LaBeouf and so he thinks he's better than you now? Is it because he doesn't want to make Armageddon 2? Is it because of your tiny face? If you ask me, these are all pretty pathetic reasons and if that's how he is, then he isn't a good enough friend for you anyway.

When I get to Hollywood I'll show you what a good friend is. I've got plans on how we can get even with Bay - lol! Seriously, if you're upset with him I know some things we can do.

Speak to you soon friend

Matt

Received: 9.16am Tuesday 16th November 2010

Hi Matt

Firstly, to answer your questions. Pirates comes out in the summer. We've just finished shooting it and are working on the edit and the special effects now. It hits theatres in May. Then we're going to put together some kind of script for it, which should be done by late September.

With regard to your question as to why Michael Bay has been acting like such a little bitch recently, I have no idea. If that prick wants to spend all of his free time ruining Steven Spielberg's good name with his silly Transformers, films then who am I to give a shit? Fuck him and his ridiculously over-sized face.

I'm afraid that I will not have more time to email you, as my schedule is always very full. As soon as we finish this Pirates movie we're moving straight on to parts 5 & 6. While I can't tell you much about them, I can say that these two will tell the story of how Jack Sparrow gets a new assistant, a young boy who had been badly burned in an accident, and they have to travel over the oceans after a witch who has stolen the spirit of the underdog, and also the spirit of Christmas as we're planning a Christmas release. The ending will involve underwater American wrestling.

I have been pleased to answer your emails and wish you the best, but I must now ask you to cease all future correspondence with this email address.

Goodbye

Jerry

Sent: 9.18 am Tuesday 16th November 2010

Hi Jerry

When I was in your office your receptionist said it would be okay if I emailed you, and now you say it's not. I don't understand.

Matt

Received: 9.19 am Tuesday 16th November 2010

I can assure you that my receptionist told you no such thing. When were you in my office?

Jerry

Sent: 9.20 am Tuesday 16th November 2010

I'm in your office.

Matt

Received: 9.22 am Tuesday 16th November 2010

Is that you behind the plant? I thought Michael Bay had surprised me with a reconciliation hooker. Like after I had to sit through Pearl Harbour. Anyway, I'm calling the police.

Sent: 9.23 am Tuesday 16th November 2010

No you're not.

Matt

Received: 9.24 am Tuesday 16th November 2010

I am now.

Sent: 9.25 am Tuesday 16th November 2010

Ah, yes. So you are.

Sent: 10.31am Monday 20th December 2010

Hi Jerry

How are things? Well, I hope. I'm happy to put the unpleasantness that surrounded our first meeting behind us so and be friends with you again. I can see why it would be a shock for you to find me in your office, although I'm sure you would agree that you overreacted. Maybe the world looks a little different when viewed through tiny eyes (because your bastard face is so small and flammable), but where I'm from that's not how you greet a friend. Anyway, bygones shall remain just that. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Your close friend

Matt

Received: 3.26pm Monday 20th December 2010

You're not allowed to email me anymore. I've blocked your email address. -JB

Sent: 3.28pm Monday 20th December 2010

No you haven't.

Matt

Received: 3.29pm Monday 20th December 2010

Yes I have. - JB

Sent: 3.31pm Monday 20th December 2010

Then how are you getting these emails? Don't block my emails or I will set fire to your office. I've started fires before!

Matt

Received: 3.36pm Monday 20th December 2010

I'm blocking it now. I don't know how to do it so I'm using the help thing, but I am doing it. -JB

Sent: 3.37pm Monday 20th December 2010

I want us to be together so much.

Matt

Received: 3.38pm Monday 20th December 2010

This person has blocked your emails.

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